If there’s one thing in this world I love more than anything else, it’s people who fight with each other on national television. If there is one other thing I deeply care for, it’s Miami Beach, the city I was born and raised in. So when the fine folks at Oxygen called me up to see if I’d like to tag along and report from behind the scenes of the upcoming webisode Find Me My Man: Bad Girls Club Bootcamp, live from a hotel in South Beach, well folks, the answer, in the words of Bad Girls everywhere, was hell yes.
So early in the morning I went, down to the Riviera Hotel in South Beach, where the Boot Camp would take place. Natalie Clarice, the Miami matchmaker and star of Oxygen’s new show Find Me My Man (premiering April 9 at 9/8c), would be setting up three cast members from Bad Girls Club: Atlanta on three different dates. But first, Natalie would put them through a rigorous makeover in both personality and appearance to try and get them relationship ready. Because, America, these were no ordinary single women. These were Bad Girls. And, as I would soon find out, they would certainly live up to their name.
But first, let’s meet today’s cast of characters:
This is Natalie Clarice. She’s our Matchmaker. She doesn’t handle attitude super well.
This is Bad Girl #1 Valentina, dubbed the Gold Digger, as she likes to greet men on dates by shoving her hands deep down into their pockets and putting whatever’s in there directly under her wig. Her ideal man has a high-powered job, but her perfect man is Scrooge McDuck from Ducktales. (“Oh my god, is that a coin pool?? I love ittt.”) Then there was Janae.
Of all the girls, Janae struck me as having the kindest heart (even though she was the first to get kicked off Bad Girls this season). Her only issue is that she’s addicted to sex. I walked in on Natalie and Janae having a heart-to-heart (in front of a film crew, naturally), and Janae admitted to having trust issues with men, which stemmed from a toxic college relationship. In the rawest moment of the day, Janae revealed that her boyfriend of nearly three years had a child with another woman while they were together, but she only found out about the kid when it was 2-years-old. It was a moving moment. Yet, Janae told us all that things weren’t that bad, as she had a trusty purple dildo at home to keep her company. She then kept going on and on about this dildo. Seriously, by the end of the conversation, I felt like I knew it personally. (Seriously, what's with the Bad Girls and purple dildos this season?)
Natalie told Janae to quit her habit of being attracted to the “bad boy,” but could she really break Janae’s habits?
Here comes the next Bad Girl.
Nancy. Oh Nancy. Where to start with Nancy? Well first of all, Natalie was really giving her a lot of grief for the dress Nancy had on. And at first, I was a little lost. I mean sure, it was tight and kinda short, but it wasn’t the most tasteless thing I had ever seen.
Then, she stood up:
Yes, her dress was really more like a memory of a dress, with the back saying “If this is thong, I don’t wanna be right.” Nancy was clearly the most rebellious of the three ladies. She explained her type to Natalie as “tall guys who party,” saying she was “very secure” with herself, and was only 23 so wasn’t going to dress like she’s 30. Natalie made her put on a bathrobe to cover herself up. On the way out, I attempted a classic Collins ice breaker, and told Nancy “The robe looks great!” She literally looked at me, said nothing, and slowly turned around. In a classic reality show move, she wasn’t here to make friends. Nancy is a pro.
Once the girls were evaluated by Natalie, it was time for them to get a style and personality makeover. No easy feat. First stop is with fashion blogger Ria Michelle.
Valentina is the first girl to get a head to toe makeover. Everyone is about two Red Bulls in at this point (including myself), so you can imagine the “anger shakes” we were all experiencing. Ria suggested Valentina put on a pair of floral pants.
To which Valentina replied “What are those pants?! I'm like a supermodel! Would you put those pants on Naomi Campbell?! No man gonna wanna f*ck me in that!” I think we can all agree… she has a point. Later, a local Miami expert named Rosy tells Valentina that an ideal first date with a man would involve a nice lunch and then flying kites in the park. If this were a drinking game where you had to take a swig of vodka every time a Bad Girl had no idea what planet they were on, you’d be hammered by now.
Valentina hugged Rosy goodbye anyway, mainly so we could all find out that her dress was being held on by wallpaper paste.
Janae stopped on her way to the makeover room to teach us all a great dating lesson:
Janae andRia Michelle duked it out over what her date outfit would look like, and trust me, the girl was not thrilled about the final product. She didn’t feel it was cute but more importantly, didn’t think it was appropriate for a lunch date. I’ll stay out of this one and let you form your own opinion:
On the roof, lifestyle influencer Tami got out her old Girl Talk board game to break the ice with Nancy. “I'm gonna be your big sister, you can tell me anything girl!" Nancy did not take the opportunity lightly.
The girls were making some serious progress thanks to Natalie’s help. (In that they didn’t storm out of the hotel or throw a can of Red Bull at anyone’s face.) But there was just one more puzzle piece needed at the Find Me My Man: Bad Girls Club Bootcamp in order to make sure everything went abbbbbsolutely perfect. Emphasis on ABS.
Ahhh yes, the Bachelors. The poor guinea pigs who would go on speed dates with the Bad Girls to see if they had crossed over to join Oxygen’s newest reality show “The Respectable Womens Club.” (Ed. Note: This is not a real show.)
I was sitting in the makeover room when the first one walked in. “Hello, what do we have here?” I said out loud, realizing I was within earshot of Bachelor #1 and quickly grabbing a bagel and pointing to that instead.
Jacob Parker, furthest right, was first. Blond, tall, I delicately reached out my hand to introduce myself and his washboard stomach greeted it like a prince. I should add, no one there really knew who I was or what I was doing there. I was just this tall woman kind of hanging out, eating free muffins and drinking Red Bull. But I was holding a camera, which I guess made me look official enough that they didn’t call security.
Jacob and I had a lovely chat about him fishing in the lake behind his house in Ft. Lauderdale, and just more of him doing super manly things. And just when I thought I was doing my best “Demure Moore” impression, that’s when Federico Celano walked in to the room:
Oh, Federico. My Italian darling. Federico told me he was from Milan, and I thought, perf, I’ve been there, listen to how knowledgeable I will sound about your home city, fall in love, and then propose to me by putting a meatball on my finger. Federico and I were really hitting it off, and I just started fantasizing about all the places we would go together… like Rome:
Did I care that these guys were there to find love with the Bad Girls Club Bootcampers? HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO. Not enough L’s in that Hell. So there we were, me, Jacob, Federico, and then Anthony walked in:
ANGEL HORNS. Anthony Omari Nickerson. Anthony was a DARLING of a man, hot as sh*t and also like reallllly nice. I also could have been his Mom because he was a newborn, but not the point. Anthony and I had something that was real.
Me and the Bachelors hung out for about an hour, and then it was lunch time. We made our way onto the Riviera Hotel’s roof when a BACHELOR FIGHT BROKE OUT:
Over who was going to sit next to who! At this point, I removed myself from their company, because it was a really small group of people, and in my exhaustion/Red Bull mania, I started to realize that I was Stage 5 Clinging to these fellows. Not cool. I ate my Cuban food with my hair in the wind as I planned out my wedding to one or half of them.
After lunch, we were approaching Speed Dating time. Which meant one very important thing: The Bachelors had to change. Off they went, into the Penthouse suite, as I stood around awkwardly in the hallway with no one to talk to. Obviously I was dying to get into that suite, but given that I had already spent hours with these guys for no reason, paranoia was setting in. Then again, I was there to document Every. Single. Moment.
I guess I was just gonna have to go inside and ask to take photographs of them changing. Jacob Parker had little to no problem with this.
Although the more I stared into Jacob’s infinitely blue eyes… the more I started to realize exactly who he looked like:
If anything, this was more of a turn on. #sickperson
I’ll always cherish my time with the Speed Daters, but they weren’t here for me. (A single tear falling down my cheek in a window reflection.) They were here to see if Natalie Clarice had reformed these Bad Girls into eligible bachelorettes! To see if they really changed, Natalie had her dating coach George Ray go on dates with each of the girls, without them knowing he was an “inside man.” So how did they do?
Well… not bad actually! Christian Bale/Jacob and Janae reallllllly seemed to hit it off. In fact, afterwards, he wanted to take the girl out on the town and show her a good time. Not sure if that happened, but clearly a good sign right?
Meanwhile, Valentina did not seem nearly as impressed with Federico’s accent as I had been mere hours earlier:
Perhaps he didn’t have enough Lira in the bank account to keep her satisfied.
What about Nancy? Did she reform her Bad Girl sex addict ways?
Well surely she’s not going to make all the guys take their shirts o—
I see. I mean I guess that’s normal right ladies? Asking guys to unbutton their shirts before asking for the check? Let’s be honest, if there were cameras on me when I met these dudes I probably would have done the same thing.
Strangely enough, Janae actually seemed to hit it off the most with George, Natalie’s secret speed dating spy:
I attempted to eavesdrop on their conversation… here are some of the things that came out of Janae’s mouth:
“You gave me a church hug!”
“I’m an Aries. A fire sign!”
“You gonna pour a little gasoline on my fire?”
OK so not perfect… but at least she didn’t bring up her purple dildo right? Small improvements people.
Speed dating time is over. The Bachelors are all gone. (I’ll never forget you Federico.) And now Natalie is going to evaluate how the ladies did. With the help of George, her Date Coach. If you listen close enough, you could almost hear Janae’s heart breaking.
Natalie felt that Nancy’s new look really suited her, even though Nancy felt like she was getting her first communion. Natalie tells Janae she’s too pretty to sleep around, and that she should leave the bad boys alone. Easier said than done Natalie. For Valentina, she reserved the harshest judgment, calling her out as a gold digger plain and simple. Valentina was not too happy about that. Like, she was still bitching about it long after the cameras stopped rolling. But there ain’t no shame in being a gold digger. In fact, my own mother would probably respect her more for it.
The girls may not have fully changed their personalities in the grueling 12 hours Bootcamp they were put through, but to their credit, they were pretty good sports about almost everything. (“Good Sports” in the Bad Girls universe.) Meanwhile, I’ll always have this:
To see more of Natalie Clarice’s miraculous matchmaking work, be sure to tune in to Oxygen’s 'Find Me My Man,' premiering April 9 at 9/8c!