Bad Girls Club 802 Recap

Hey kidz! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Liz Out Loud and I blog for Oxygen.com. No, I am not on the Bad Girls Club. I’m a viewer like you, who watches with her jaw to the ground and constantly mutters what the f------- (not that I advocate swearing, hehe) when I witness the crazy antics of the girls. If anything, I’d be on the Good Girls Club. I got perfect attendance from fifth grade through senior year in high school, I won the eighth grade spelling bee, and I return my library books on time. My idea of rebellion back in the day was giving Canadian coins as change to the mean customers who came into the farm stand where I worked. HOWEVER, I went to college and partied with the best of them, and I know a crazy ho when I see one, so don’t worry, we’ll have fun on this ride. Let’s begin, shall we?

This week’s episode begins with sun and rainbows and tranquility because, well, everyone is asleep. But then Amy wakes up and decides to wake up everyone else! And she’s manic! And happy! Like a human alarm clock, she bounces around the house screeching “Wakey wakey!” Sure, she might have attacked Gia and Demitra the night before, but today’s a new day! We’re all gonna be friends, she insists! Demitra, in her bed, points out that Amy may just be a little schizo, and Amy agrees! She probably thinks schizo is another word for blonde, so to her it’s a compliment, I guess.

These girls are in Vegas and are determined to have fun. What better way to start the day than hopping in to a Jacuzzi, which is exactly what Jenna does! She proclaims that it is the coldest Jacuzzi she has ever been in in her “f---ing life” (her words, not mine) and then she proceeds to drink vodka straight out of the bottle. These are some classy broads, would you agree? Amy joins her and I’m impressed by her thick mascara that does not seem to run at all. It must be maximum strength, kind of like Tylenol.

Demitra and Erica/Venetia (gotta love a girl who insists on being called a type of window dressing) observe the situation by the pool. Erica’s aura is blackening with all the negative energy and Demitra remarks that she came into this house with good intentions. Hmmmmmm. Have you watched the Bad Girls Club before? Because I have, and these hos are always crazy. But I like Demitra and Erica so I’ll let it pass.

Erica, Demitra, and the twins are hanging out in the kitchen. Amy comes in and is all offended because she thinks that they are all drinking and partying without her. Considering it is about, I don’t know, 10 in the morning, they are actually drinking Sprite. Which isn’t my morning beverage of choice but hey, to each their own. At least it’s not booze. Amy opens the oven and finds her rats nest, er, I mean her weave that was yanked off the night before. She calmly thanks the other girls for cooking all the diseases out. Kidding! She flips a switch and starts pushing and punching my girl Demitra. Amy scratches Mimi’s face! Say what? B*tch is cray cray!

Jenna, who is Amy’s sole ally, tells her she needs to apologize if she wants to stay in the house. Did you know this is Day 2 in the whole house? Look, I’ve had some whack job roommates in my time, and it even took them a couple weeks to reveal their cuckoo ways. But Amy does not procrastinate, she shows her crazy self within minutes.

Amy apologizes to Demitra, saying she doesn’t remember hitting her even though it was about three minutes ago. Apparently Amy is not only schizo but also suffers from amnesia. Demitra is all whatever, she’s just busy nursing her bruise with what looks like a Hot Pocket. I hope she microwaves it after because those things are tasty. Amy leaves the girls and they all agree that she needs Jesus. Erica says she’ll ask her mom to send her holy water for an exorcism. Sounds like a plan!

Meanwhile, Amy and Jenna decide to go out. To a lingerie/slutty bathing suit store, of course! A sketchy older dude with a greasy ponytail who either works or hangs out there comments that Jenna’s ass could eat the pair of panties she wants to try on. She’s all, you’re correct, it could! Not to be outdone, Amy exclaims, “My vagina eats my underwear!” and I’m all, you shouldn’t be bragging about that because who knows what is growing down there and eating said underwear. Just saying.

That night everyone in the house, except for Gia of course ‘cause she’s not there, decide to go to a gay nightclub called Crave. When they drive up to it we see that it is actually spelled Krave. Of course. Not everyone can be a spelling bee champion like me. Anyway, they take shots (shocking) and dance suggestively! What a surprise! Demitra starts making out with a girl in black suspenders with a six pack, because, you know, why not? She’s in Vegas, baby! And what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unless you’re on national television.

All in all, it is a relatively drama free night, though Erica and the twins are a little suspect of Demitra’s relaxed attitude towards Amy. But Demitra gets along with her roommate Jenna, and Jenna likes Amy, so it’s all part of the deal.

The next morning Gia returns to the house. She actually acts like an adult by not drinking alcohol. She wants to clear her head. Amy is wary of her return, so she decides to go out again with Jenna.

At the house, Erica starts explaining how Jenna and Amy are what she calls “basic b*tches.” Gia nods in agreement. I don’t quite understand what a “basic b*tch” is. Maybe the opposite of an acid b*tch? In my world, a b*tch is a b*tch. But that’s just me. The girls decide to kidnap Amy’s stuffed skunk Larry. They take him from her room, dip him in the toilet, and bury him in the sand underneath a beach chair by the pool. They swear each other to secrecy.

Later on that night, one of either Dani’s or Gabi’s friends, Cash, comes over with one his buddies, Amin. Amy nicknames Amin “Burgundy” because he is wearing a burgundy shirt. I’m impressed she even recognizes that color. Her mom must have bought her the 64 pack of Crayolas when she was a kid. Anyway, in her talking head she teaches us a new word. Broccoli. Apparently it refers to a guy who is not the hottest but if you’re not a picky eater/ho he’ll do just fine. And here I thought broccoli was just a vegetable.

The seven girls, plus Cash and Amin, go out to a Mexican restaurant where they proceed to drink milk with their enchiladas. Haha, kidding! They drink margaritas and tequila shots. As a prank, Erica tells the waiter that Amy and Burgundy just got engaged so a mariachi band serenades them. How sweet.

Back at the house they all think it will be a brilliant idea for Amy and Burgundy to get fake married! Jenna will be the maid of honor and Demitra the preacher. After they are pronounced man and wife, Amy gets a lap dance from Burgundy. He’s a little too good at it, which concerns me. Someone pulls down his pants. Classy! Despite their wedding, they do not consummate their marriage that night. Amin leaves with Cash. All in all, it was another peaceful night.

The next day we learn that Jenna is a vegetarian, which makes me giggle since she starts drinking at 9 in the morning. I always thought eating a lean cut of beef was better for you than taking five shots of vodka with your breakfast cereal, but what do I know? I majored in English in college, not biology. Jenna is really eager to go to a strip club because she wants to see dinner plate nipples. Of course.

That night the twins, Erica, and Gia stay home while Amy, Jenna, and Demitra go to the mammary mecca. Erica is all, “the pretty girls are staying in tonight.” Now, she’d make a stronger case for this if they weren’t all dressed in their pajamas and looked like they hadn’t showered for days, but okay. They decide to go through Jenna’s stuff, where Erica discovers a fake Louis Vuitton bag. “It’s a disgrace to the designer and a disgrace to America.” And I agree. War, starvation, AIDS? Why does that matter when a chick is going to carry an impostor Louis Vuitton?

Amy, Jenna, and Demitra return when all the girls are asleep. Jenna wakes them up by accident and Erica flips out. You know she just wants a Tanisha pots and pans moment. Jenna apologizes but Erica will not accept it.

Erica retreats to her room with the twins and Gia. She says something about how she has the Freedom of Speech to say what she wants, and one of the other girls says of course you do, it’s in the Bill of Rights. Then one of the twins says no, Freedom of Speech is one of the 10 Commandments, and then someone else is all, no, the 10 Commandments are sloth, envy, etc. And this is the point where I just need to go to bed because my mind can’t handle the democracy/religion lesson from this brain trust we call the Bad Girls Club.

So there we have another brilliant episode of the Bad Girls Club. See you next week!

Love—

Liz Out Loud

Read more about: Liz Out Loud

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