The other night I had a scary dream. In my nightmare, I was watching an episode of the Bad Girls Club where Amy, as she was lying in bed, told Erica how she had a dream that she had made a porno with an old man. I woke up, shivering in fright. I drank some coffee and calmed down. I went to work, did my thing, and came home. I heated up a can of soup—I’m fancy—and settled down on my couch to watch the latest episode of the Bad Girls Club. Imagine my horror, then, when one minute into the episode Amy tells Erica and Gia that she dreamt that she had made a porno with an old man! Am I psychic? I didn’t actually want THAT dream to come true. The dream where I marry Eric from True Blood? Yes. The one where I hear about Amy’s sexual fantasies? Not so much.
Luckily the imaginary porno was not the central theme of this week’s episode. In fact everyone was actually, er, kind of nice. Who knew? It’s probably the calm before the storm, but I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. Let’s go on, shall we?
Elease is really excited because her older sister Shneail is coming to visit. When I first see the name on the screen, I scrunch my brow as I try to pronounce it. Is it like Shaquille? Or O’Shneal? The English word for escargot, Shnail? But nope, it’s none of those things. It’s pronounced Chanel, as in Coco. But why make things easy for everyone? That’s not the Bad Girls way!
The twins act all nonchalant, saying they’re not scared, but you can tell they’re walking on eggshells. That night all the girls go out to dinner. Elease warns them that she plans on staying until the end. One of the twins is all like, do you think we’re going to fight again? She answers her own question, saying nah, but I might grab her weave. I guess this is the twins' way of being nice? How generous of her to say she will only pull Elease’s hair! Elease, in her talking head, is almost amused at how scared the twins seem to be.
They return home and Mimi realizes they forgot to buy toilet paper. Everyone else is all, pshaw, who cares? Of COURSE these girls are cool going without tp. I mean, there’s shrimp at the bottom of their pool and probably still salad dressing in Elease’s suitcase.
The next morning Dani decides to prepare for the arrival of Shneail. She wants to go to the gym and train like Rocko. I think she means Rocky but we’ll let it pass. Gabi prays that Elease’s sister doesn’t break her nose because it’s mad cute, son. And I think to myself, the twins and I have really different expectations of our houseguests. When someone visits me, they usually bring a bottle of wine or a baked good. These girls just hope that their guests don’t bring punches.
Dani calls her very mature dad and expresses her concern that the other sisters will jump her. She can’t understand why Elease is targeting her! And I’m thinking: do we need to show her a recap of her own behavior? Does she suffer from amnesia?
Elease shows up at the house with Shneail. Naturally, the house is a mess. She introduces her to all the other girls as they sit powdering their noses, which seems to be the only thing they do besides eating, sleeping, and drinking. The twins, while not exactly super friendly, are not super rude either. I choose to remain hopeful.
That night everyone goes to a white party except for Erica who stays home. The Bad Girls, of course, are not wearing white so the hostess pretends to yell at them. She should consider herself lucky if that is their only faux pas of the night. Mimi makes a toast to all the dead homies in the house, including Palmer the inflatable palm tree, Jenna, Elease’s bed and Burberry swimsuit, and Mimi’s MARS necklace. Even the twins smile at this.
After the white party, they all go out to a club where they meet Flo Rida and Pleasure P. Amy pretends to be too cool for school about it. She’s all, I’m from Florida, and I meet rappers ALL the time. Riiiiight. I think she means gift wrappers at the mall during Christmas time. Elease, however, takes the time to flirt and talk with them.
Back at home, a very drunk Mimi enters the confessional where she plays peekaboo with her crotch. (Don’t worry, it’s blurred out.) She really wants to sin in the city of sin. Have fun with that, Mimi!
The next day Elease invites Pleasure P and Flo Rida over to the house. They very kindly bring over two bottles of champagne, an entourage, and 20 or so groupies. While the Bad Girls are a bit annoyed, they have a good time anyway. The twins, Gia, and Amy go to the VIP room where Gia proceeds to show off her skills on the stripper pole. Hey, a talent’s a talent.
Meanwhile, Elease and her sister chill out on the couch with Pleasure P. Elease tells him how she was jumped on her first day in the house and that she and Shneail want to fight the twins. She seems really low key about it, so any normal person can tell that she’s joking. The twins overhear, of course because when are they not listening at a door somewhere? Predictably, they start freaking out. After everyone leaves, Erica calls a house meeting to address the issue. Elease admits that she was just playing. Gabi is all, I so KNEW it was a joke, hahahaha! To which she receives some serious side-eye from Erica. And you know she’s quivering in her boots. Funny how the tables have turned!
Shockingly everyone seems to be getting along. The two sets of sisters, along with Mimi, all go out to a Western dive bar. Naturally, the twins start complaining upon arrival. We want hip hop music, white people are weird, locals suck! Wah wah wah! Almost as if they didn’t know they were going to a Western bar. Hmm. The other girls ignore them and have a good time. On the way home, Dani denies that she ever threw any of Elease’s stuff in the pool. It’s so amusing to see her squirm and kiss ass!
The next day Shneail leaves. The twins feel slightly emboldened by her departure. They brag that they’re the only ones to start drama. Wow, what an accomplishment. Your parents must be proud. Well actually the scary part is that they probably are!
The twins decided to get matching tattoos. Erica, Gia, and Amy join them to watch their pain, hehe. Bickering ensues between the twins as soon as they get to the tattoo parlor. Almost immediately the other girls decide they’d rather be almost anywhere else than there so they go to Burger King. Dani whines while the tattoo artist inks her ankle, which is all Gabi needs to see before she decides not to get that tattoo after all.
Back at the house, Elease calls Pleasure P who asks her out on a date. Mimi is even more excited than Elease. He’s an R&B superstar, after all! A superstar that no one has heard of, I guess! But whatevs, Elease is my girl so I’m happy for her.
Elease and Pleasure P go out to dinner where they discuss whether this is love or lust. Hmm. Afterwards he takes her to a candy store and even buys a few fancy baskets to bring to the other roommates. Man, I’m jealous. I love candy! When they get back to the house, Gabi is all, give me my candy (I am paraphrasing, but only slightly). How rude!
Elease and PP go to the confessional where a drunken Elease slurs that she is going to marry PP. (Guess they decided it was Love?) Oh but then she mounts him.
The twins meanwhile are stewing. They groan that the house is so boring. Dani is determined to make somebody’s life a living hell. Heck, she aims high. She is going to make EVERYBODY’s life a living hell. Ohhhh, I’m scared!
So till next time—
Liz Out Loud