If you’re reading this, you might be panicking. You have Halloween parties to go to and no costume. Every year is the same—you imagine some amazing costume that you’re going to DIY and then you realize you actually don’t know how to make octopus tentacles out of tights to go as Ursula. Or you wait to go to Party City and now there’s only sexy Dorothy costumes left, but you don’t really feel like sexualizing a book character whom I think is a teenager. So what do you do? Do you just put your hair in braids and once again go as Wednesday Addams? Do you attach a silky Maltese to your ponytail and go as Ariana Grande? Put on a sheet and go as a damn ghost? No! Pop stars and the same old will not do this year! Here are some easy, excellent costumes that are a snap to put together, and some of them are even real ideas!:
1. . Ben Affleck In The Accountant
I’ve never seen Ben Affleck in The Accountant, but I’m sure it’s a good movie. I think it’s about an accountant who is also an assassin? I suppose those are both skills that you have to hire people for, so maybe I can see the overlap. Anyway, who can resist a film where Ben Affleck directs his biggest muse…himself? So if you want to be topical for the holiday, this could be the costume for you. Just walk around with a pen and paper and a Turbo Tax pamphlet, then start wildly punching everyone at the party. And it’s Ben, so maybe bring up something about Boston.
2. . Famous Teen Vine Star
Do people know who Vine Stars actually are? Can anybody name one? Nope. So it’s safe to say you can wear some expensive sneakers, a hoodie, and a sideways cap like any rich teenager who has his own income would. Then start parkour-ing throughout the party, yelling PRANK and GOTCHA at people. Clutch a selfie stick, a large bank account, and a can of Pringles or Mountain Dew, which you are probably sponsored by. Annoy every stranger you meet.
3. . Joanne The Scammer
If you’re a messy bitch who lives for drama, then you already have the Joanne The Scammer costume down. Find one of your H&M faux fur jackets you bought three years ago for a New Year’s party and never wore, get a dollar store wig you can cut yourself, rip up tights, and slap on some black cherry lipstick with no lipliner. Then go ahead and rob everybody of their valuables. And if you’re at a party that’s not at your own home, continuously invite everyone into Your Caucasian Home. Then pop some bubbly!
4. . Instagram Girl That Gets Sponsored By Companies
Wear a corset, pile on highlighter, and carry a tea that makes you have to go to the bathroom. Put on a sueded baseball cap with some extensions. Wear an all dusty rose or neutral beige outfit. Take pictures. Everywhere. Have everyone be secretly jealous of your job. #inspired #tummytea
5. . Robot From Westworld
Put on a cowboy hat. Be sentient. If that doesn’t work, you can always get a pink cowboy hat and tell people you’re Lady Gaga from her new album Joanne. They can’t all be winners.
6. . Werewolf During A Regular Moon
Sure, during the full moon, you’re a force to be reckoned with---a supernatural being that cannot be responsible for the damage and mayhem it may cause. But on a regular moon, you’re just Josh, a cool dude who comes to any Halloween party with a 6-pack! Oh, and a couple of unexplainable scratches, a ripped up flannel shirt (all his shirts are ripped) and those pants that have buttons up the side so you can rip them off in case you got the moon chart wrong.
7. . Ted Cruz As The Zodiac Killer
Wear a tailored suit (Ted) and thick-framed glasses (Zodiac police sketch). Try and fail to give people hugs at the party and speak like you are an alien who has just come down to our planet but hasn’t really grasped it yet. Write a letter to the police on the back of a Ted Cruz for President sign.
8. . Person Who Wants To Talk About Their New Lifestyle Change
Wear your workout clothes and carry a Tupperware of your gluten-free pasta, your vegan cauliflower alfredo sauce, your Paleo casserole, or your raw mac and cheese. Start going up to people and explaining how tired you used to felt until you started doing this workout routine that involves a pyramid scheme of purchasing shakes. Or how you cleared your skin up by taking out dairy. Make every conversation you have about this.
9. . Witch
Wear an outfit you wish you could have worn in high school. That’ll do it. Or, you know, an outfit that you wear..now.