This Sunday marks the holiday of Easter, a merry celebration of America’s favorite Savior rising up from the grave and making his way back to heaven. And his Dad! I’ve celebrated Easter since I was a wee lass, and whenever my non-Easter celebrating friends ask me what I’m doing on the first Sunday following the vernal equinox, I scream "how do you not know when Easter falls? It’s so easy!" Notice how there was a full moon this week? That’s why Easter falls this Sunday, which actually makes Easter sound kind of pagan, but whatever, I’m into it.
If you’re wondering what people who celebrate Easter do on Easter, it’s supposed to be go to church. I don’t go to church. I don’t like sitting, I don’t like things Ted Cruz likes, and I don’t like when people read to me out loud. I prefer to celebrate all the other parts of Easter. Do you know what they are? Well, there are some things I’m useful for, and thankfully, this is one of them. I inform you of the most timeless Easter traditions below:
1. . Dye Eggs
Once a year, Christians like to dip a bunch of boiled eggs into vinegar and food-grade dye. Why? I think it comes from the age-old tradition of making parents do things that will mess up their kitchen to nearly irreparable damage. I happen to love hard-boiled eggs because I enjoy peeling skin and eating things that smell, but hey- I’m probably not alone! Nothing appeals to children and the masses more than slippery foods that smell like sulfur. It’s a fact! Anyway, we dip the eggs into the dye which comes in a variety of colors: green, kind of blue, red that looks pink, and vitamin-pee yellow. Then you are supposed to hide them for children to find. As a former child myself, I can tell you: nothing beats the absolute rush of searching around your house for the colorful, undeveloped embryo of a hen.
2. . Wear Pastels
If there’s any day to wear pastels, this is it. I know the fashion industry is always trying to shove pastel clothing down my credit-card strapped gullet, but “Easter best” is the only day it’s truly appropriate. Here’s the thing: lavender, pastel yellow, and mint green make everybody look like babies trying to get into Boston-area universities. It really doesn’t work on me. I prefer to eat macarons, not look like them. I told my mother I was going to wear all black this Easter, and she looked like I said “I’m thinking about eating live baby chickens on Easter while they are screaming.” She gave me a blush-colored cardigan the next day. It makes me look like I’m writing a thesis in Cambridge.
3. . Eat An Insane Amount of Candy
Easter is like Religious Halloween. It’s a full-on candyfest. Each year, I anticipate the gluttonous candy binge I am about to dive head first into, ruining my teeth and diet (because I prefer to spend my calories on french fries). There’s Robin’s Eggs (malted milk balls with a candy coating), peanut butter eggs, jelly beans, marshmallow things, and other sugary teeth ruiners-- all shaped like eggs. There is one egg that rules above all others: Cadbury Eggs. They are the best Easter candy in the world. If you don’t like delicious, crème-filled eggs, then guess what? You’re an actual madman. Just don’t try to eat them in public. They end up all over your face.
4. . Blow Up A Peep In The Microwave
Peeps are disgusting. They are gritty, sugary marshmallows, and not even the good kind of marshmallows, because you can't put them in your hot chocolate. They vaguely resemble rabbits and small chickens, but not particularly. They are everywhere during the Easter season, and people pretend to be excited about them, but you shouldn’t be. They aren’t tasty, and they always taste kind of stale, which I suspect is because nobody buys them and they keep reselling the same packages in stores. I think the last Peep I ate was from 1993. However, they are useful for one thing: putting in the microwave, watching them get big, and exploding. It’s just fun. They expand to three times the size, and then they cave in and die. It’s a non-violent crime, and one I believe is useful for getting out all aggressions related to Easter Candy. Try it!
5. . Rabbits!!!
I have no idea how rabbits, not Jesus, became the official spokesperson for Easter. Legend tells it that one giant rabbit enters all Easter-celebrating children’s homes, leaving them chocolate and hiding the eggs. And now we get candy and take photos with people dressed as rabbits. That’s one boring legend. I’ve never seen a rabbit buy anything from a CVS, and certainly not enough chocolate to feed the country. Rabbits don’t even have thumbs. There’s no way they would be able to hide the eggs. Perhaps I’m just bitter: I wanted a rabbit as a child but my mom told me I was allergic. I’m not! She just didn’t want to clean rabbit poo, as I was six and unable to do anything but barely pee in the toilet. If I got a rabbit, he would have hid chocolate everywhere from me! Life is cold! Easter is for bunnies!