5 Reasons Somebody Might Murder You This Holiday Season

All the crowds, the parties, the constant smell of pine trees and cookies, the stupid ugly sweaters, and the children’s choirs? ENOUGH! Could there be a better time to snap?

The holidays are a wonderful, joyful time of the year. Nothing like some seasonal eggnong, quality time with your family, and the soothing sound of Christmas songs to make you feel loved and at peace with the world. Alternately, there’s nothing like some eggnog, too much time with your family, and the same eight Michael Bublé Christmas songs to make you feel…murderous. While the holidays can be the happiest time of the year, it can also be the easiest time to go crazy—just watch Oxyen's Homicide for the Holidays, which premieres Dec. 3 at 8/7c, to see what I mean.

All the crowds, the parties, the constant smell of pine trees and cookies, the stupid ugly sweaters, and the children’s choirs? ENOUGH! I mean, honestly, when’s a better time to finally snap than after you get a hard loaf of fruitcake from your Aunt in the mail?

Those things are like boulders, and we all know they can be used as a weapon. If you need more examples, just watch Homicide For The Holidays this holiday season on the Oxygen Network. And while I don’t condone, uh, committing MURDER during any time of the year, here’s some reasons why you might be more at risk while making those special winter memories. Hey! I’m just trying to look out for your safety:

1. You're Messing With The Food

I don’t know about you, but I’m not allowed to go within ten feet of my mom when she’s making her signature sweet potato mash, the one with the crushed candied pecans and brown sugar on top. And I don’t know about YOUR HAND, but if you go near me when I’m making my Dijon Brussels Sprouts or my mashed potatoes (the secret is just pouring all the butter and salt and cream into it that the stores has), I will bite you.  God help the poor souls who come into the kitchen without being explicitly asked to. Those are the kinds of people who are going to run into somebody’s knife ten times. And if you’re the kind of person who comes and and starts touching everything, saying “oh, I think this needs more salt,” or, “shouldn’t this be out of the oven by now? It looks ready,” then you’re not making it out alive. You’re gonna get chopped up and added to the giblets and gravy, which you had the audacity to criticize. This recipe has been around longer than you’ve been alive, and now you are no longer alive. Isn’t it funny how that works? Don’t. Come. Into. My Kitchen.

2. You've Learned TOO Much At The Office Party

Oh, Kathy. It’s always Kathy. Kathy had too many sugar cookies and mulled wine, and now she’s spilling her secrets to you. Dave over at HR has been kissing her under and outside the mistletoe area for a while, and she gets to keep her job because of it! Isn’t that crazy! Kathy is wearing a sweater that has a giant snowman on it but don’t be fooled. She just revealed a big secret to you, and that secret puts her perfect little suburban life at risk. So don’t be surprised if she follows you into the copy room and closes the copier on your head. That’s just what Kathy does. Word to the wise: never go to the office party for longer than an hour. Somebody’s gonna say something weird to you, and you don’t want to find out the consequences of what happens when you learn too much.

3. You Went Rogue For Black Friday

Black Friday is full of psychopaths. The kind of people that decide to brave many different stores---late at night and full of stuffing---have to be the kind of people who would participate in The Purge. They’re looking for a deal, sure, but they’re also not afraid of a little blood. So maybe you might be a little bloodthirsty yourself, and you also want a Ninja Blender and a DVD player. So you cut somebody off in the parking lot. Or yank a 60% off Crock Pot out of somebody’s hands. Or you throw a burning hot chocolate into somebody’s face so you can get to the big screen first. You have to be ready for the revenge these people are going to want to take. I’m telling you. It’s brutal.  

4. You Forgot To Get Somebody A Gift

Oh, so you thought it was cool to just waltz into your neighbor’s party without a bottle of champagne? And you thought it was no big deal that your new friend bought you a candlestick holder in the shape of some reindeers and you got her jack squat? Let me tell you: people don’t forget this kind of stuff. Just be a responsible adult and keep a couple of candles and hand lotions in your closet. Everybody needs more candles. That way, you won’t upset your friend, who at first seems kind of taken back that you didn’t think of her, but then sends you some cookies in the mail! It’s all good, right? Well, great job. The cookies are poisoned.

5. Your Holiday Spirit is Annoying AF

The holidays are great, but cool it. You don’t have to cover your entire front lawn in moving animals and Santa Claus. Keep the lights to a minimum. Don’t blast Christmas music at your work desk. Don’t put reindeer antlers on your car. Just RELAX. You never know who is going to lose if it they have to hear “All I Want For Christmas Is You” just ONE MORE TIME.  [Image: Pexels] 

 

 

 

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