Tuesday, March 09, 2010 with
Kate hitting me didn't scar me. Her ring left a cut on my face, but I just took a picture of it and then put antibacterial ointment on it (who knows where that ring has been), and before long I was good as new. I chose to press charges on Kate because that is what you do when somebody hits you. Only uneducated people decide to take the law into their own hands. I decided to do the responsible thing, and I let the police handle it. A person can't just go hitting people and think she will get away with it. Consequences need to be faced, and it is not my place to do that. I pay taxes so that other people will make sure that happens and that law and order are maintained. I am pressing criminal charges on her. I have been in constant contact with my city attorney representative, and I am following through on the criminal charges. I wasn't trying to rule the house once Kate and Natalie were gone. I spent so much time trying to fit in and not upset other people (well, except when I didn't like them), that I was becoming unhappy with the person I had become. I enjoy making my little quirky remarks, but people in the house made fun of me for them, so I didn't make them anymore. I enjoy doing things on my own, but we always did things together. I was just sick on conforming to what everybody else liked, even things as dumb as music. So once Kate and Natalie were gone, I focused on myself and what I wanted to do. I really didn't care if the other girls liked it. I was willing to do things by myself. I just wanted to find the me that I had lost while being in the house. I also feel that the dynamics in the house started to change when Kate left. Amber and Lexie became BFFs. I didn't begrudge them that, Amber was able to have fun with Lexie and be young and silly, but I did feel left out. At air sex, they decided to perform together, so I had to do it alone (which worked out, because I got to keep all of the prize money). They started dressing alike and little things like that. While this was going on, I was realizing that I am actually a lot older than I thought. I had thought I was still the exact same person that I had been in college, 4 years ago. After living with college-aged people, I realized that there is a really big difference. And at "college night" at a bar, I was asked what I was doing there because I was so old. It was really eye opening to see that I'm not as young as I thought. Living in the house, I realized that I have no desire to go out every night for two months straight. I used to love doing that, but now it takes me longer to recover so it just isn't fun for me. All the other girls were younger and liked to go out and party hard all night. With my feelings of being left out, along with the realization that I'm not 22 anymore, I just wanted to do my own thing. By the end, I really felt that I had learned what I came to learn (even if I didn't like what I learned) and I was ready to go back to being a young adult. Looking back, I probably was being unnecessarily mean to Lexie. At the time, I was so frustrated with her. I didn't know what else to do. It was really hard, because I really liked her but I just didn't want to be her constant companion. I just felt like we had absolutely nothing in common. It was really hard to find things to talk about with her. When I tried to have conversations with her, it was really hard to follow them because I would have no idea what she was talking about a lot of the time. I know that the rest of us really felt that she was really aggressive all the time. I know she didn't mean to be that way, but it was a bit embarrassing for the rest of us. She was very short with strangers and wait staffs. Her aggressiveness, along with the fact that I wasn't able to have intelligent conversations with her, just made it really hard to be friends with her. Now that I'm not living with her, I really like her. I think we just needed a bit of separation. My favorite memory of BGC is remembering the friendships that I made with some of the girls. Without BGC, I never would have met them, and some are in my close group of friends now. The friendships made all of the drama entirely worth it. I know that I now have a few more friends that I can call anytime, and the same for them. It's great, and I can't imagine my life without them. It was nice staying until the end with the exception of the road trip. Although, I'm actually really happy I didn't go on that. Driving across the country in our little car does not sound pleasant at all. Then, I'd just have to fly back to LA. So, although I didn't make it all the way, I'm really happy that my stay in the BGC ended when it did. I'll miss some things about living the BGC mansion! But I'm definitely not going to miss the air conditioning! It was always so cold. I miss the little things like people bringing in our groceries, having our laundry done, and always having gas in the car. And I, for sure, miss the house. It was so amazing. I'd like to live there still. Most of all I miss Amber, Kendra and Lexie. They are great girls and impacted my life for the better.