America's Next Top Model

Glaminate Me, Oh Fierce Tyrabot!

Girrrrl, Top Model is back, and looking more like a cable access show than ever! We are told that we're back in L.A. this season, but really we are apparently in the fuuuuuuuuture! Rather, we are in the future via '80s sci-fi movies as the gaggle of semi-finalists makes its way to the Top Model Institute of Technology. Jay Manuel has spray-on gray hair and looks like an aged version of Earring Magic Ken, while Miss J., as will come as no surprise to regular viewers, has stolen Carol Channing's wig. The girls have a "body scan," which sadly does not seem to detect infectious diseases, and a big ass '80s computer analyzes their runway posture. Just when you think it couldn't get any more high-tech, the Glaminator (don't ask) malfunctions and out comes Tyrabot. She has apparently been given truth serum, and acknowledges that all she wants to do is make a dollar off of these bitches. You can't hate on her for that. But you CAN hate on her for many more things, as I'm sure we'll see as the season progresses.

The semi-finalists are culled into the final 20, who are then shaved down to the fierce final fourteen. And they are: Elina, the bisexual vegan animal liberation activist; Sheena the awesome, who is both my early favorite and my pick for the winner; Brittany 1, whose lucky underwear seemed to have worked; Brittany 2 who is from Vegas and maybe a little tacky; Brittany 3 who is a cage fighter; Analeigh, the former figure skater who was briefly sold into slavery by the Saudis; Clark the beeyotch; Marjorie, the big weirdo from France; Isis, the standout Cycle 10 extra with a little something extra; Hannah from Alaska who is not Sarah Palin's knocked up daughter; Nikeysha who likes to flash her chicken cutlets; Samantha and Lauren who I don't remember at all; and Joslyn, who has auditioned for ANTM over 30 times! Losers include Veronique the Mormon, Kacey, who could not befriend Michael Phelps because he wouldn't understand her hair; and Susan, who apparently got through four years of Harvard without reading a book. It's on, bitches!

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Model Citizens

The fourteen finalists barely get a minute to breathe before the competition is on. The first order of business is getting two of three Brittanys to change their name -- we thus get Sharaun and McKey. The girls move into the house without much ado about beds and that sort of thing. Hannah is especially excited since, as I'm sure we'll hear many more times before she gets the boot, she grew up without electricity or running water. Also, in case you didn't realize, Marjorie is twitchy and awkward and home schooled. Isis, who was born a man, has to field a bunch of questions about her transition to living as a female, and handles it all with grace and class. Clark and Hannah spend some time bonding over their more "traditional views," which I think are born from a small town upbringing on Hannah's part and an inbred sort of wankery on Clark's part. McKey is super cool with Isis, and also wants to continue her boxing training. She beats up on a pillow, and we can only hope that she'll soon turn her energies toward Clark.

The girls head to the Magic Castle Hotel and Club, which is a very spooky private club for magicians. They meet Ed Alonzo, the Misfit of Magic, who makes two Jays, a Nigel, and a Paulina appear! The girls disperse around the Magic Castle for some one-on-one time with the judges. Nigel thinks there's something unusual about Isis, yet seems to think it's totally normal that Lauren Brie has a white mother and a cheese father. Sharaun is a big, overconfident weirdo. Nigel thinks she's intriguing, but I don't think he means in a good way.

Things get political for the photo shoot, which features quasi hot-button issues made fierce. To their credit, most girls seem to realize it's an election year. Clark, however, hasn't a clue what "bureaucracy" means, yet manages to work out a few context clues when she approaches her set filled with red tape. Hannah, for her part, isn't sure how she feels about nuclear weapons. Well, at least she didn't say "nucular." Sharaun is super stank as she makes mad offensive comments about Isis during her shoot. After you wax that lip you can start to talk about how another bitch needs to shave, fool. Marjorie and Isis work it out (suck it, haters) and get called first and second, respectively. In the end, Nikeysha's cloning photo is just good enough to overcome her annoying personality and, after she agrees to shut her trap every now and again, she's spared from elimination. This is not such good news for Sharaun, who is sent home with her haterade in tow. Don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave!

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Honk If You Love Honkies!

Benny Nina makes a guest appearance to teach the girls how to pose in a giant mesh laundry bag. Hawt! Nikeysha has no clue as to what she's doing, but does realize temporarily that shutting her mouth is a good thing. This does not last long, however, as she tells designer Tarina Tarantino that she has to pee before engaging in the week's posing challenge. Sheena proves that God loves her as much as we do, and made her able to naturally spread her legs super-wide -- wide enough, in fact, to fit a big handbag. This is not enough, sadly, to win the posing challenge -- that honor goes to Elina. The girls all pile in the hot tub, which of course leads to some shenanigans. During a spirited game of Truth or Dare, Elina goes in for the big kiss with Clark. Clark kept her lips closed, but you know she enjoyed it. Isis gets a bit too close to Hannah's personal space, so Hannah gives her a little shove. This is not taken well by some of the girls, who also note that Hannah's white-girl-from-a-small-town routine is even more annoying, and perhaps offensive, than immediately apparent. Several of the women of color confront her and ask if she's racist. She does not take the question well. Just when McKey tries to convince us to feel a little bad for her, Hannah compares the ambush on her character to a gang rape. Yeah.

The week's photo shoot was meant to have the girls hanging on a ladder from a hot air balloons, but when the wind kicks up Jay regrettable decides to put safety first and saves Marjorie from being blown off to Oz. Instead, the ladder is hung from a crane. Wind still proves to be a factor as some of the girls struggle to pose while remembering their faces and their garments. Lauren Brie, Joslyn and Elina take to the air with the greatest of ease, while some others can't quite get a grip. And as for Sheena, she proves to have the strength of twenty men in her left buttock alone. Judging gets interesting as the panel tells Nikeysha that she needs to eat a damn cheeseburger, and Sheena denies and then admits to having some Dr. 90210 style silicone funbags hanging off of her chest. She makes it through to another week, with strict instructions to de-hooch. In the end it's Nikeysha and Isis, who may be thrown off by her hormone injections, in the bottom two. Isis gets her photo and Nikeysha starts going on about how she's going to go home and become an anesthesiologist. Tyra totally tells her to shut the hell up, which is a pretty fitting end to Nikeysha's very short journey.

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Pretty Vacant

It's makeover time! Tyra surprises the girls at their house with tales of her own career makeover (i.e., putting her assets on display in bathing suits and lingerie) and then, with the help of the Jays, embarks upon a skit having to do with princesses and princes and crones. Try to figure out who is who in that scenario. The whole thing is so stupid that you're just going to have to watch for yourselves. The upshot of it all is that the girls won't know what they're getting makeover-wise in advance, and the mirrors are covered as the makeovers are occurring so they don't fully know what they look like until the whole thing is done. While some just get longer/shorter/blonder/browner versions of what they already have, some get significant changes. McKey goes very short and black. Samantha gets an edgy, short, very blonde cut that gives her an entirely different look. Hannah gets bangs and goes shorter all over, and it becomes clear that her birth mother is Shelley Duvall in The Shining. That explains a lot. And, in a Top Model first, Elina gets a big, curly red weave. It's a sweet bit of irony that they made her look like Ronald McDonald, isn't it? She doesn't feel like herself, which for her might be kind of a good thing.

The girls take a late night trip to Wal-Mart for a makeup challenge which involves applying and improvising a commercial for TruBlend something or other. Hannah actually wins, because the Aryan White shade of TruBlend she chooses suited her perfectly. Back at the house, Elina tells the others that she hates her mom. Brittany does not approve of mom-hate, especially when said hated mom is putting a roof over your head and cooking your damn food. She thinks Elina is a psycho. Of course, Brittany is also the one who spends the episode being upset at how pretty she is, so take that as you will. The photo shoot for the week has the girls in swimwear. Elina gets over herself and does a great job, Hannah has crazy eyes, Isis gets nervous about tucking, and Brittany and Analeigh struggle. In the end it is Brittany who goes home to mull over her fatal flaw of being born so damn gorgeous.

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Looking Through the Fierce Eyes of Love

In this episode, we get to say goodbye to not one but two models who are busted and broke-down, and not in the good way that Miss J. is always talking about. Its runway week, and Miss J. meets the girls at the bowling alley for a runway teach. Hannah is crazy-looking, Samantha is bow-legged and Elina is a control freak. Isis, however, is confident about her runway walk and ready to work it in the weeks challenge. All of the girls, however, get a little more than they bargained for as they enter their challenge at a runway show for track-suited, top-hat-wearing designer Jeremy Scott. Not only will they be blindfolded walking down the runway, one girl will also be eliminated immediately after the challenge. The stakes are high, as evidenced by Seventeens Ann Shoket making her first appearance of the season. No one falls off the runway, sadly. McKey manages to rock a curtain rod, Isis maintains her confidence, and Joslyn looks foxy in a foxy dress. On the flip side, Hannah is a mess and Samantha lifts up her dress at the end of the runway despite Jeremys repeated warnings not to. Joslyn ends up winning the challenge, and her prize is an advertorial shoot in Seventeen. And it's Hannah who is forced to pick up her beans and keep on rolling as she gets the post-challenge boot. She leaves without much ado at all. The whole thing is weird.

The shoot for the week takes place at the girls house. They will be photographed from the eyes up in the pool, and its Nigel who will be taking the pictures. Some of the girls really manage to be expressive with their eyes, just like Tyra always talks about, while others use their bodies in innovative ways to enhance the shot. Clark successfully flirts with Nigel and Analeigh finally turns it out. Marjorie looks like a sea mammal, which may or may not be a good thing. Elina gets stuck, and Isis is preoccupied with her bits coming unstuck. [Despite her bits not even being in the picture! - Zach] Neither makes for a great photo. At panel, Jeremy Scotts utter hatred and disdain for Samantha puts her in the bottom two along with the increasingly unimpressive Isis. It is Isis who is sent home. Its very sad, but totally the right decision, and her gracious exit reminds us why it was so good to have her there in the first place.

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Beautiful Disaster

This week's episode is all about disasters: fashion, emotional, and otherwise. Paulina meets up with the girls for a self-styling challenge, in which they have to use an assortment of binder clips and plastic water bottles and rubber bands to improve the look of ill-fitting catalog clothes. It's like MacGyver meets Newport News. Marjorie gets all freaky and nervous -- even more so than usual since a judge is around. While the other girls attribute it to a lack of confidence, Paulina explains that Europeans are just downers, and that's okay. It's cultural. She advises Marjorie to fake it. When in America, do as the happy bitches do. Samantha manages to botch the challenge again by making her clothes totally unrecognizable, and it is McKey who makes the best use of her clips and whatnots. She wins 50 extra frames at the week's photo shoot. Back at home, the girls continue to give Marjorie a hard time about being such a negative Nelly. She explains that negativity is second nature to her, as it was instilled by her parents, and that it is really "a mild form of realism." That's not the "ism" I would guess afflicts Marjorie, but I am not a trained professional. The confidence-obsessed Americans in the crowd don't buy it, and practically gang rape her. In a positive, upbeat way. The photo shoot for the week has the girls posing as destructive giants from the 1960s replicating famous natural disasters common to L.A. Well, I guess that's about as coherent as anything else that happens on this show. There are tidal waves and rock slides and traffic jams galore. While Samantha gets the best shot of the bunch and Analeigh has another good week, some of the others are not so lucky. Joslyn continues her downward trend, while Clark's excellent shot of last week is proved to be the fluke we knew it was all along. Joslyn's personality saves her once again as Clark gets the teary boot back south.

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The Cheese Stands Alone

We begin our episode with a little context: most of the girls think that Analeigh is not competition, Lauren Brie has no personality, and Elinas control issues come from her Russian mother. Once this is summed up for us, its time for a teach-slash-challenge with Tyra! She hand-delivers the Tyra Mail, and is going to teach the girls all about signature poses. Everyone gets 20 shots -- they take ten, then get a critique from Tyra, then do another ten. Each girl has a Tyra-influenced signature aspect of her posing, which all starts rather innocuously with McKeys signature neck and Sams signature hand usage. Before we know it, however, Sheena is a vaguely ethnic dancer and Elina is the top model of the world. But its Marjories self-generated "Hunchback of Notre Dame" signature that most impresses Tyra, and she wins some major bling.

The photo shoot for the week features embarrassing moments at the Fiercee Awards. Yes, awards season is really in full swing now! Sam is a mixed bag as a starlet who cant read her cue cards, Lauren Brie is mannequin-esque as she trips and falls en route to accepting an award, McKey believes shes going to win but loses and looks pretty good all the while, Analeigh lets out her fiercely bitchy side as an interviewer with attitude, and Joslyn has to prettily deal with another starlet wearing the same gown. Elina is forced into a photo shoot-slash-therapy session when her role as an award-winner who cant stop crying requires real tears. She learns to let go a little, and maybe will try some bacon or something now. And Marjorie, of course, is the Hunchback of Notre Dame in a turban who has to pee but cant get out of her gown. How could she not have the best photo of the week? Boring Lauren Brie and mediocre Sheena wind up in the bottom two. In the end, the cheese stands alone as Sheena is granted a photo and Lauren Brie heads home.

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European Disunion

Aaaaaand we have finally reached the point in the season where all the freaks come out to play! But first, tensions are running high in the house., and this time it has nothing to do with stealing food or a lack of respeito. Rather, we once again learn that European immigrants are at a distinct disadvantage in U.S. culture, at least according to Marjorie and a suddenly European-er Elina. The rest of the girls, minus Marjories girlfriend Analeigh, arent having it, and when Sheena confronts the two, they get into a bit of a spat. But its nothing a little twirling wont solve! Yes, we see the return of the Swirl Twins, who teach the girls how to work with accessories. This is all a prelude to the return of James St. James, who we first see in a neon green spandex bodysuit, which is exactly how he appears to me in all of my nightmares. He introduces the girls to their challenge. Theyll have to wear a similar neon green bodysuit, which turns invisible through the magic of TV. The idea is that well get to see the clothes in motion, but not the actual model who is doing all the twirling and swirling. The designer for this challenge may actually be wearing a prosthetic forehead. I tell you, its kind of a surreal episode. In any case, despite an early near-panic attack at having green spandex on her face, Elina knows how to work a bell sleeve and wins the challenge. Most of the others dont fare so well -- particularly Majorie, whose dress falls down without her knowing. Her reaction to the situation is very European. But no matter, Elina picks her and Analeigh to share in her Seventeen photo shoot prize. In lieu of a photo shoot this week, the girls have to film a commercial for some sort of Cover Girl eye shadow. They are introduced to Cycle 10 winner Whitney, who doesnt do much other than live up to her reputation as the 21st century Blair Warner. Joslyn is sick in a very vomity way for the shoot, but manages to pull it together and get through it. Elina cant seem to lose her control issues, McKey is dull, and Marjorie fidgets like a chicken throughout. Sam does a decent job, but its Sheena and Analeigh particularly who get the most kudos for the week. At panel, Tyra announces to the girls that they will be heading to Amsterdam, and then things get all crazy and Fellini-esque, because Amsterdam is about blonde braids and windmills and drugs. Everyone is excited until Tyra gleefully reminds them that one of them wont actually get to go on the trip. Control freak Elina and the getting-worse-by-the-minute Joslyn wind up in the bottom two, and Tyra totally fakes them both out before announcing that its Joslyn who will go home. Lets hope she at least got a lifetime supply of turquoise eye shadow.

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5 A.M. in Amsterdam

I hope you've packed your bags, y'all, because we're heading to Amsterdam! Well, the girls are heading to Amsterdam, but it's all so vivid that you can practically smell the weed through the TV. The girls step off of their plane and meet the impossibly named Daphne Deckers, host of Holland's Next Top Model. She has them pair up, then sends them on an Amazing Race style hunt to find their new home. Sam and Elina work surprisingly well together and win the challenge by finding the house first. They win 50 extra frames (combined) at the next photo shoot, along with a temporary reprieve from the European-American Model Wars. Once at the house, however, Elina waxes poetic about how Amsterdam reminds her of Ukraine and annoys Sam afresh. Elina, Marjorie and Analeigh get all baked and partake in a va-jay-jay shaving party (TM McKey) in the tub, which even Sheena can't get down with. The girls head to the Red Light District for their next challenge, where prostitution is legal and ladies sell their wares in store windows. Our models will be posing in store windows, too, but they'll be wearing outfits by three local designers who will take a hand in judging them. They pose in pairs and it's Sam's lucky week as she and McKey are victorious.

The photo shoot for the week celebrates Amsterdam's famous shipping industry, and has the girls actually posing on a boat at sea! It's pretty cool, especially because the whole time a tiny hope lives in the heart of the viewing audience that someone's going to fall overboard. McKey has an obsession with getting called first this week, and succeeds in part due to her 13-foot long legs. Analeigh and Marjorie also do well. Sam's photo is good, but the judges are not crazy about her soccer-mom-going-to-the-mall look at panel. Even Tyra can't save her, and Sam admits that she's fashion impaired. Elina winds up in the bottom two ostensibly due to her claw hands but mostly, I think, because she's insufferable. Also in the bottom two is Sheena, who can't seem to find the right balance between straddling something all the time and being too conservative slash dull in her posing. And it pains me to tell you that it's Sheena who goes home. It's pretty deserved since she really hasn't been killing it with the photos, but still sad as she's by far the most amusing of the bunch.

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Shoot To Kill

Its go-see time, Amsterdam style! The girls head off on little motorboats to see several Dutch designers, and are so focused that they dont even pay any mind to the hot guys driving the boats. Its a shame. Analeighs strong walk and bubbly charm impress the designers that she sees, while Sam is too commercial for some. Marjories nervous nelly tendencies come into full play as she gets lost and flustered and then cant pull it together for the two designers she manages to find. She books no jobs, and also seems to rouse the ire of native Amsterdamians who refuse to help her with directions. Elina does so-so, although her tattoos are a turn-off to some designers, and her sweaty back is a turn-off to others. And finally, theres McKey. She avoids wearing chain mail and thus impresses all four of the designers she sees. However, shes so wrapped up in seeing the sights of Amsterdam that she loses track of time and misses her deadline to be back to Touch modeling agency by five minutes. Shes disqualified. Its a pity, since she would have won the challenge and $18,000 worth of clothes if she had hustled a bit. As it is, Analeigh takes the prize and McKey is left only with her newly adopted vaguely European accent.

The photo shoot for the week has Tyra behind the camera doing two photographs of each girl -- one with minimal makeup and casual clothes, and one in full-on fierce mode. Samantha does what might be her best work to date in both and gets best photo of the week. McKey also excels and impresses Tyra by her ability to listen to Tyras advice. She doesnt even get chewed out very much for being late at the go-sees. Analeigh does okay, though the general consensus is that shes better with makeup than without, and Paulina totally thinks she has a big nose. This leaves twitchy Marjorie and control-freak Elina in the final two. Marjorie was of course made extra nervous by Tyras presence as photographer, and not even a lesbian bath session before panel could relax her. The judges also marveled at the fact that Elina is 18, and made her wave around her crazy hair and scream at panel to try to loosen up. Sadly, it was all for naught as Elina got the boot. Its a victory for controlling, repressive mothers everywhere!

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The Windmills of Your Mind

Can you believe we're at the final four already? Sam, McKey, Analeigh and Marjorie kick off the week by meeting up with Paulina for a teach about how to act in commercials using effective facial expressions. The girls have to relish the smell of herring and the feel of toilet paper and hear a variety of news on the phone that makes them angry or excited or prone to overacting. They must use what they've learned in the teach at the week's challenge, which has them appearing in a commercial audition in which they must flirt with a guy while running on a treadmill and then run up and kiss him. Male model Mark Vanderloo is the object of their collective affection, and the receiver of a bunch of awkward pecks. In general the girls all do pretty well, though it's Marjorie and her new and improved sense of joie de vivre who actually wins the challenge. She gets a big boost after her last appearance in the bottom two, and also a $10,000 shopping spree that she shares with Analeigh.

Marjorie is feeling so good that she decides to invite over the guys who drove the boats during the go-sees. If history and Shandi have taught us anything, it's that things are about to get all YOU HAD SEX?!?-ish. To speed that process along, Marjorie asks the guys to bring over some wine. It turns out that she's the only one of the girls who drinks. It's an advantage in this case as it means there's more for her! While McKey wrestles one of the guys and Sam impresses another with her card tricks (?????), Marjorie makes out with another then hops into the bathtub with him. Even though they're fully clothed, Marjorie's boyfriend/cockblocker Analeigh is having none of this and she and the other girls rally to kick out the Dutch boys before Drunkenstein Marge can be defiled. Thanks, Analeigh, for spoiling all the fun. The photo shoot for the week has the girls posing in crazy high-fashion clothes with extreme hair and makeup in the Dutch countryside. There are windmills, there are pitchforks. While McKey and Analeigh pose with ease, Sam and Marjorie both have trouble getting into the groove and only ramp it up in their final few frames. Everyone's final shot turns out pretty good, though. At panel, Marjorie battles her nerves by getting drunk and/or being boring, and the judges don't know what to do with her other than send her home. And with that, we have our final three!

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Easy, McKeyzy, Beautiful

Just as all good things must come to an end, all mediocre things must come to an end, too. And so it is that we bid adieu to the eleventh cycle of Americas Next Top Model. Our three finalists -- McKey, Samantha and Analeigh -- follow tradition and film a Cover Girl commercial. One line is in Dutch, and the girls find themselves kissing yet another male model. They are shilling some sort of minty lip gloss that cycle 10 winner Whitney claims to love, probably because if you close your eyes and breathe in deeply you think youre eating mint chocolate chip ice cream. Anyway, there are some commercial surprises. Sam does so-so, while McKey does the best out of the three and Analeigh, who weve been told repeatedly is a natural actress, bites it. The girls then shoot a Cover Girl print ad. Sams smile is forced, Analeigh totally has a floating eye, and McKey is basically perfection. The first cut is the deepest and the panel sends Analeigh home with only a giant peace sign necklace to wipe away her tears.

We thus have the butchest final two ever! Sam and McKey have the pleasure of partaking in a shoot for Seventeen (featuring Ann Shoket in a top stolen from Sheenas closet), and then a runway show with a crazy-ass Candyland/Dr. Seuss pink, hilly runway designed by Mr. Jay. It is so impractical that they actually have to run up one particularly big hill because if they dont have momentum theyll fall down bass-ackwards. The show is for Dutch fashion designer Addy van de Fleugelheugelkeugelsmeugelmiller, and actually seems to draw a decent audience not made up of Bankable Productions staff members and/or vagrants. Neither McKey nor Sam is the strongest walker, but each does her Lurch-like best to get through the show, and no one falls or trips an extra on stilts. The judges pretend to have their work cut out for them, but in the end I doubt that it was too hard a decision to choose McKey as the winner. Ive been kind of neutral on McKey the whole season, but I am thankful that she was chosen to be Americas Next Top Model for no other reason than that she uses her brute force to literally sweep all of the judges off of their feet and in the process scares the bejeezus out of Tyra. Maybe now she can go back to calling herself Brittany?

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