America's Next Top Model

Goddesses and Monsters

They're baaaaaaack, and this time they're heading to Sin City! Yes, that's right, 34 semi-finalists head all the way to Vegas to try to impress their way into the final thirteen and/or catch a glimpse of Cher. The theme for Cycle 12 is apparently "goddesses," and has the girls dress up in mini-togas, take a profile shot in which they try to make their noses look as Roman as possible, and walk hideously on a runway covered in makeshift smoke machine clouds. All of this pales, however, to the emergence of the Goddess of Fierce, otherwise known as Tyra Herself. She is flanked by Spartan men and we get our first extraterrestrial comparison of the season.

Cycle 12 is full of sad stories and crazies, per usual. We have Sandra who is from Kenya and is totally a stealth bitch; London, who loves Jesus so much that she's compelled to preach on the street wearing crazy headbands; Jessica from Puerto Rico; burn survivor Tahlia who reminds us why it's a bad idea to leave your kid alone with a full coffee pot; gun-toting crazy conspiracy theorist Monique (who sadly doesn't even make it through the first cut); rich-ass Natalie; very tall Aminat; anxiety-riddled Kathryn, who somehow determines that the best way to impress the judges is to bring them samples from her pen collection; Alex the super-street white girl; epileptic Isabella; Nijah the prom queen; Fo(licia) with the freckles who refers to herself as "Blaxican"; Grandma Celia who has the audacity to be 25; plus-sized Kortnie who dated Dale Earnhardt, Jr.; Allison of the crazy eyes and blood fetish; tomboy Teyona; and Angelea, who had a daughter who died and has no business being a model.

The 34 are cut down to lucky 21 who must pose as goddesses with particular attributes. We get our first catfight of the season as Sandra and Angelea have it out to such an extent that they insult each others' feet. Angelea is upset because she doesn't want everyone to think she's ghetto, but Sandra remains stone cold. Sadly for Angelea, she doesn't make it to the final thirteen and has to go back to Buffalo, which is apparently the worst place on earth. Kathryn is also denied a spot and has only her pen collection to comfort her. The ones who do make it through to torture us for twelve episodes are: Aminat, Natalie, Fo, Allison, Tahlia, Celia, Nijah, London, Teyona, Kortnie, Isabella, Jessica, Sandra. But I've already stopped caring about these jerks because I'm all abuzz about the 5'7" and under policy for Cycle 13: The Season of the Shorty!

The second part of the two-hour premiere has the final thirteen going to New York City, where the streets are paved with breadcrumbs that are not part of a low-carb diet. The girls meet Nigel and Paulina atop the Empire State Building for the sole purpose of getting their house keys. Through some random key giving ceremony, Celia is told that she gets to choose the first bed in their phat Upper East Side pad, which contains an excruciating number of Tyra photos, and also some wall space decided to past winners. Sandra, who is basically a pill from the beginning of the episode to the end, picks a secluded bed because she is strongly against the making of friends. In sad news for her, Celia also wants that bed and bumps her. There are twelve beds for thirteen girls, and Sandra starts to get reeeeallly prickly. Just in time London intervenes and, like Jesus before her, offers to sleep on the floor. Also, in case you forgot, Isabella is epileptic and Tahlia is a burn victim. Illnesses!

The girls head to Guastavino's, near the 59th Street Bridge, to partake in a fashion show with designer Laura Poretzky from Abaete. There is a bad girl / good girl theme. Tahlia gets immediately upset because she's all covered up while the other models are showing skin. She seems completely unprepared for the insecurities and shame that come to the surface, which makes me think she really didn't give this whole modeling thing a lot of thought. Meanwhile, Isabella is nervous because strobe lights could make her have a seizure. She makes it through without incident, though. The same can't be said for Sandra, however, who loses her damn mind and doesn't even walk the whole length of the runway. The week's photo shoot is an homage to innocence that has the girls dressed up as little tykes playing beloved childhood games. Fo, a pre-school teacher, is a natural at ring around the rosie, and Allison and her doll-like countenance make double dutch fierce. Teyona's shot is also good, even though she has a small head. Tahlia is still feeling conflicted about her scars, and Tyra tells her that designers are either going to cover her up or fetishize her, so she might as well get used to it. In the end Isabella's dodgeball photo and Sandra's hide and seek shot land them in the bottom two. Sandra, most likely by virtue of dramatic potential at home, is the one who lives to see another week and torture her housemates even more.

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Blinded by the Light

It's makeover time! The girls head in their pink plaid stretch SUV limo (au revoir, earthmobile!) to Bergdorf Goodman for surprise new looks. There is no Good Fierce Witch to narrate the process for us, however we do have Mission Impossible super-spy Tyra, who speaks in the same vaguely British/upper-class accent she uses every time she’s "in character." The makeovers are of the same variety as usual. Of note: Sandra gets buzzed and dyed blonde to pay homage to Kanye West's stripper girlfriend; Allison gets a big, blonde mermaid weave; Celia goes short-ish and funky, like mid-Chicks Natalie Maines; Aminat goes from funky afro-weave to sleek Naomi Campbell waves; Kortnie goes red; London is blonde and short and ever more like a child of the corn; Teyona gets a head full of Jheri curls, which Tyra later acknowledges was a bad call; and Tahlia also gets a big blonde weave. Natalie is the first to have a diva freak-out when she thinks her hair is going to get chopped off, and then feels like a jerk when she realizes the Jays were just foolin'. Her hair is perfect as is. The main hair drama, however, belongs to Fo, who gets a close-cropped short do that is both edgy and adorable to everyone but her. She feels like a big bull dyke, and very convincingly states that food-stamp dining is preferable to being so boy-like.

The girls have to endure a Wal-Mart/Cover Girl challenge despite the fact that there are no Wal-Marts in New York City. They go accost some poor women they find on the street, then bring them back to the Mock-Mart and shill product. The team of Aminat, Claire and Sandra wins, despite the fact that Aminat and Claire are becoming mortal enemies and Sandra didn’t do anything. The photo shoot sets the girls up for failure, as they have to both direct and light themselves. Nigel is the photographer, and the theme is vaguely rock n' roll. Fo still can't get over her damn hair and actually starts crying on set. Nigel is not amused. The judges tell us that a lot of the photos lack tension, but Teyona, Allison, Natalie and Celia all performed well. Kortnie and Sandra were not so hot, and Aminat was terribly dull, but in the end it's the annoyingly confident Jessica who lands in the bottom two with punk-ass crybaby Fo. The night turns out to be a bad one for Puerto Rico (see the American Idol recap for more on that) as Jessica gets booted back to Resting-on-Prettyville.

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Bus-ted

The girls take to the runway this week under the tutelage of Miss J. He gets them all dolled up in Nantucket garb and treats them to a lesson from Miss J.'s Charm School, which involves learning runway etiquette as well as how to mock another girl's walk like a sassy drag queen. They also get some advice from previous contestants Chantal and Bianca, the latter of whom must have come straight from her Nikki Blonsky beat down. While Allison has some troubles with the walking bit, Natalie is strong on the catwalk. She has modeling experience, which she touts to the high heavens and back. This annoys the snot out of Aminat. Natalie also wins no favors with Tahlia when, in a game of Truth or Dare, she tells everyone that she thinks Tahlia's photo was the weakest last week, aside from Jessica's monster shot. Tahlia is having a confidence crisis anyway, and probably has even discovered her snout, but a conversation with her sister gives her a little boost. The girls take their newfound runway knowledge and apply it during a fashion show for designer Jill Stuart. It actually looks kind of legit, which is shocking. They have to hold large shopping bags and negotiate a runway that features a fire hydrant to show how well they've learned their etiquette. Natalie is a standout not only because she walks well but because she does a random twirl in the middle of the runway. Celia's also strong and Allison does better than expected. In the end, Natalie wins despite the spin and gets some personally selected Jill Stuart clothing as a prize.

The week's photo shoot has the girls posing in teams of two or three in crazy hair and makeup atop a tour bus that's stopped around various parts of New York City. They have to tell a story and be characters such as Wall Street brokers and tourists in Times Square. Out of nowhere, Sandra manages to pull off a photo that the judges love and is called first at elimination. Natalie does worse than she thinks she would and in fact is not as good as Tahlia in their joint photo. Allison gets flak from the judges for no reason, really, because her photo is fine, and lands in the bottom two. Joining her there is Nijah, who is "just pretty." And if you think Tyra is going to let the freaky awkward girl go home this early in the season, you don't know her at all. Nijah is sent packing and exhibits her lovely personality until the end.

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What Are You, an Immigrant?

The week starts off with a visit from former Top Model contestant Toccara, who comes bearing product-placed sleepwear and a lesson about having and using personality. She spends the night and assesses that this bunch of bitches needs to let go and get interesting. The girls then head off to a posing lesson with Benny Ninja and former model/current DJ Sky Nellor. They learn about the relationship between music and fashion and get critiqued as they use music to motivate their poses. Allison is nervous and shy, and Kortnie is generally kind of lame. The girls must take what they've learned to one of the most intimidating challenges yet -- a pose-off in front of an audience full of queens who have been encouraged to clap or boo as they see fit. The girls have sequined dresses and blonde wigs and two posing heats. Celia, a drag queen on the inside, wins the first heat easily and Natalie takes the second. The two go head to head in a final pose-off, and while Celia learns the benefits of working a garment, Natalie almost falls a whole bunch of times. Celia wins by a landslide and even earns the coveted gay finger wave. Fierce. Meanwhile, the queens break poor Tahlia, who says multiple times that she wants to go home because she thinks the competition is doing her more harm than good. The other girls pity her for a minute, but also feel that it's not fair for her to be there if she threatens to go home every time she does poorly. They prepare a revolt if she's not eliminated. The photo shoot for the week has the girls recreating immigrant photos of the past with the aid of an old fashioned 8 x 10 camera. They must stand very still so that the camera can capture the image, but also give a dynamic fashion pose with their husband, Benny Ninja, and gaggle of multi-ethnic kids standing by. Tahlia does surprisingly well, and her photo is deemed the best of the week. Sandra is disconnected and generally a pill, and Kortnie is sour and dead-eyed. They land in the bottom two, and it is Kortnie who is given the boot. Despite all common sense, Celia decides to pipe up about Tahlia's wish to go home. Tyra tells her in no uncertain terms to stifle, and Celia is screwed for eternity.

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Celia, You're Breaking My Heart

Never a show to pull back from the drama, this week’s episode of Top Model is bookended with reactions to and repercussions from Celia’s big Tahlia-under-the-bus-throwing reveal at last week’s panel. The house is in chaos, and interestingly enough, though Tahlia is rightly pissed, it’s Aminat and Teyona who want to punch a bitch in the throat. And yet, when they go to take someone to task for being a rat fink, they don’t focus on Celia and instead go after Allison and Natalie. Aminat gets in Natalie’s face and would like to wipe the floor with it, but for the stupid no-violence rule. In the end Tahlia and Celia actually talk about the whole things like adults, which is refreshingly bizarre.

Beth Stern, the wife of Howard Stern and a model who’s appeared on the cover of Hamptons magazine a whole bunch of times, teams up with Jay Manuel to teach the girls how to make expressions with their faces. It seems so basic, and yet some girls have trouble with the concept. The challenge for the week involves life-sized cardboard versions of Tyra from several different photos. The faces are cut out (as if we needed inspiration for another Tyra-themed nightmare) and the girls have to occupy the face-hole and use an expression that goes with the photo’s body language. Natalie wins, much to the chagrin of Tahlia and Aminat, and gets 50% more frames at her photo shoot.

And speaking of the photo shoot, the girls are doing close-ups. They have colored powder blown all over their faces, and have to emote the color that is spattered all over them like alien jizz. Celia, certain all episode that she’d be going home, manages to turn it out and thinks that maybe she’s not so doomed after all. Fo is far and away the best of the week, and Tahlia and Teyona put in good performances as well. Though Celia’s photo was great, she lands in the bottom two along with Sandra, purely because the judges can’t stand to look at her rat-fink self anymore. In the end, she gets a reprieve, having learned her lesson not to mess with another model’s money, and it’s only-good-in-profile Sandra who finally gets the boot.

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Clay Acting

It’s the middle of the season, which can only mean one thing: acting! But before we get to that, there’s another unsurprising, yet related, thing: drama! The girls have what appears to be Thanksgiving dinner at the house, complete with turkey carcass and pie. Natalie assumes exemption from clean-up, which may or may not have been a joke, but provides the perfect excuse for Teyona and Aminat to punch her in the throat with their eyes. Natalie attributes her bitchery to the fact that she was born with a silver spoon up her ass, which doesn’t seem to go far in endearing her to anyone. The girls put aside their differences as they head to a teach with Paulina. It’s all about acting, and as one might expect Celia is a ham and Tahlia is a drip. After pairing up for some quick exercises, the girls are introduced to a special guest with whom they’ll perform a scene. And that special guest is -- wait for it -- no, keep waiting -- seriously, it’s worth it -- CLAY MOTHERCHUCKING AIKEN. Also known as a close personal friend to Tyra Banks! You know they eat ribs and cruise Manhunt together every Thursday night. London, who apparently is from a family of actors, portrays a has-been model at a fitting convincingly enough that she wins the challenge, and a prize of $5,000 worth of apparel from Joe’s Jeans. Sad for her, she’s too fat to fit into any of it. Ah, the thrill of victory.

Instead of a photo shoot this week, the girls try their hand at a collaborative commercial for Cover Girl, with inspiration from yet another special guest -- last year’s top model McKey. This piece of wood shouldn’t be giving anyone advice on anything that involves speaking or moving, but what can you do. [It's the bland leading the bland! - Z] Celia does well and is the best of the week despite the fact that she looks like she’s everyone else’s grandma. Though no one was overwhelmingly impressive, it’s drippy Tahlia and one-note Allison who land in the bottom two. At long last, Tahlia gets eliminated, if only because Clay Aiken totally wants to miniaturize Allison like the mad scientist he is and add her to his Precious Moments figurine collection.

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London Bridge Is Fattening Up

This week, the girls have a legitimately interesting challenge where they get to be creative director for a day, so Jay Manuel can act like he actually does something and has a job other than being Tyra’s bitch and stuff. Each model styles and directs one of her counterparts for South Pole Juniors, and effing Ann Shoket is there to help judge. Allison gets really into it and is chatty and creative and not at all like a boring American Girl doll. Fo gets stuck with London, who in case you didn’t see it coming last week is a total fat-ass at this point. Jesus is a chubby chaser, apparently. Aminat uses her time poorly, London tries to turn Allison into a mini, skinny version of herself, and Celia does a great job of styling but cuts off Fo’s feet in her photo. In the end, it’s Teyona who wins for her excellent styling of Celia, even though she didn’t pick the photo that Jay and Ann found superior. Teyona gets to be in a spread for Seventeen’s June issue and can choose two friends to accompany her. She picks Aminat and, in a surprise move, Celia. This doesn’t sit well with her homey, Fo. And Celia ended up looking like an octogenarian in a tutu for the Seventeen shoot, so maybe it really was a bad call.

The girls are surprised very early in the morning by Jay Manuel, who hurries their sleepy selves into hair and makeup. A surprise guest comes by -- it’s R&B superstar Ciara! Aminat practically molests her. The shoot for the week will have the girls posing with Ciara as obsessed fans tied up in microphone cords. They wear very skimpy outfits, which sucks for fat-ass London until Jesus helps her get through it. Jay actually gives her a talking-to and tells her to stop eating so much lard and skinny up. The poor thing. Teyona looks all kinds of fierce and gets the best photo of the week, while hot mess Aminat lands in the bottom two with London, who does not help her case by wearing puffy formal shorts. The hell? In the end, London’s permanently smiling eyes can’t save her. This means both that she is eliminated, and that she doesn’t get to go to this year’s foreign destination -- Brazil!

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Fruits of Laboriousness

The girls head on their little model plane to Sao Paulo, Brazil where they meet Brazil's Next Top Model host Fernanda Motta and are thrown into their first international challenge. They must pair up and find the real Girl from Ipanema's favorite flower (bird of paradise) and then find the legendary Girl herself -- Ihelo Pinheiro -- at Sao Paulo's botanical gardens. Fo and Natalie reach her first, and she definitely seems song-worthy. They win the keys to their new, sweet pad, as well as some blinged out flip flops. Despite this victory, Natalie is summarily unimpressed by Brazil and complains about everything her pretty little empty head can think of.

The next challenge has the girls getting a lesson in capoeira, the Brazilian dance / martial arts hybrid. Their teacher, Mestre Eddy Murphy, tells them that they can use moves from capoeira to create drama in their modeling. Celia already knows how to create drama, and proves it by accidentally kicking Aminat in the face as they face off. The girls then have a photo shoot challenge in which they demonstrate what they've learned. Fo does best, and wins 50% more frames on her next photo shoot. The kicker is that she has to take these frames from another girl. That is some awesome, dastardly shit. She still is peeved that Teyona chose to take along Celia on her challenge win last week, and so cuts Teyona's frames in half. Teyona says she's flattered, but is totally pissed, too. For their photo shoot, the girls head to favelas -- Brazilian neighborhoods built by the poor -- and are styled as Carmen Miranda. And you thought this show couldn't possibly get any fruitier. At the words "sex appeal" Natalie thinks she's got this shoot in the bag, but the judges find her pose typical and dull and the same as usual. She backtalks that Jay loved what she was doing and told her not to change for the whole 50 frames. I actually find that feasible, but Tyra does not and clearly wants to give Natalie a top model ass whuppin'. Aminat and Celia both do poorly, but Allison pulls it out with energy and a great face. Fo is cute, but too literal in her Carmen Miranda interpretation, while Teyona worked it in her 25 frames. Allison is called first, with the best photo of the week, while Aminat and Natalie land in the bottom two. Despite Aminat's seemingly permanent position at the bottom of the pack, it's Natalie who gets the boot.

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Let's Go See the City

It's go-see time! The girls are still in Brazil and no one is sad that Natalie's gone, in part because she would probably win this challenge. The girls head off in taxis to meet up to five designated Brazilian designers who are looking for a model with style, personality and soul. They get four hours, and must be back to receive their evaluations by 3:30 sharp. There is crazy traffic in Sao Paulo, which delays some of the girls at various points. Celia even busts out her walker and foots it for part of the journey. Celia is, if you need a reminder, pretty aged, which is noted by several designers. Fo, despite making it to all five designers, has a problem of her own because she's short and not runway-ready. Allison is extremely shy and nervous at her go-sees, but Teyona and Aminat appear to do really well. Only Teyona, Aminat and Allison make it back in time (poor Celia must suffer the pain of being one minute late), and get to head to their evaluation in a private helicopter! Teyona wins the challenge, and gets a piece of clothing from each participating designer. Fo is pissed about this and starts to have a breakdown in the confessional. Celia is also discouraged, but acknowledges that Teyona's busted wardrobe really needed an update, so it all worked out in the end.

The photo shoot has the girls wearing microscopic bikinis and posing in a crowd of extremely random local extras on the beach. Nigel is the photographer, which adds a notch of pressure for all the models. Aminat, despite having the best swimsuit body there, is still not all that good, but she's not quite a horror show this week either. Teyona continues her trend of really being able to model, and Allison pulls out a surprise series of sexy, flirty shots. Celia sucks so much that Nigel has to jump in and demonstrate how to properly fondle a hairy fat guy in a photo. In all fairness, Celia might be distracted because she is wearing an eye patch as a bikini bottom. She lands in the bottom two with Fo, whose photo was hunched and remedial and terrible. In the battle of old against wee, Celia comes out on top and Fo must return home with the shame of having booked zero of five go-sees.

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