America's Next Top Model

Dancer In The Snark

Picture it: Los Angeles, 2004. The semi-finalists arrive! We are first introduced to Amanda, age twenty-five, from Hendersonville, North Carolina. She has some huge-ass glasses. Toccara, age twenty-two, is from Dayton, Ohio and describes herself as "great" and "fabulous." Cassie, nineteen, hails from Oklahoma. Then there's some crazy-ass bitch who travels with a teddy bear. Whatever, she doesn't make it.

The girls convene at Le Meridien hotel in Beverly Hills (that means The Meridian for you Francophobes). Mary, age twenty-two, says that she's "sizing everybody up," just as we see a shot of her plus-size self dismounting from the airport shuttle. I size her up as 48G. Natalie, age eighteen, loves competition, and also competing with people. Diversity is her forte.

Jay Manuel gives the girls their official welcome to L.A. Rats. I was hoping he'd go the way of J.Lo's makeup artist, but he seems to have inexplicably retained his position as "art director of photo shoots." Jay explains that the girls will meet with a panel of judges who will evaluate them on face, body, and "potential" (read: to create drama), and that there will be cuts later in the week. The real competition starts tomorrow, which means tonight is all about...pool party! All right!

After some kickass interviews, the girls line up for the elimination. Tyra comes out wearing an ugly dress. Surprise. The fourteen finalists are: Ann, Leah, Kelle, Cassie, Yaya, "Kristi," Julie, Magdalena, Nicole, Amanda, Norelle, Toccara, Jennipher, and...Eva. Cut to the bathroom. From beneath a stall we see a pointy little shoe and a thong peeking out of low-rise jeans. It's Rachael. She's bawling. Rachael? Keep it down now. Voices carry. Nargis feels played out. Mary is sad and feels like God let her down. Tyra comforts Rachael and says that her look needs some work, and that perhaps she should try fake red hair like Tyra's. The finalists celebrate.

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If You Wanna Go On And Be Funky...

WELCOME TO MANHATTAN says a sign as we clever audience members deduce that the girls have made it to New York City, where the streets are paved with gold that buffs your stiletto heels while you walk. The girls ride in a van and, as is their custom, whoop. Ann bitches that she can't see, and wants to switch seats. She climbs over her seat, which is in the back of the van yet right near a window, and plops into a center seat between Eva and Norelle. Ah, the little things you catch when you watch a show twenty-seven times. Ann interviews that she came into this competition being very confident, and that the other contestants are intimidated by her. Not for long, freakshow.

And speaking of never sleeping, the girls will be getting no sleep tonight. Because theyll have their first assignment, a "sexy freaky-deaky bikini shoot" in Jamaica! And at this announcement, the whooping reaches a decibel level so intense that even Cline Dion is like, "Mon Dieu! My ears!" Whoooooop! Tyra reminds the girls that this is "the real thing," and "a competition," and that they are standing next to their competitors. She encourages them to make her proud and "work it out," and then does a little dance that looks oddly familiar. Maybe I saw it in a video somewhere. The girls stand on what looks like volcanic rock for the shoot, largely balancing unsteadily on their heels. The next day. Jay tells the girls that most of them were mediocre, a handful were good, and a handful sucked. One of them is going to have to pack her bags, because she's going back to Worcester. Yes, my friends, Magdalena is the first to be sent home.

After the elimination, the girls pack up and fly back to New York. Tyra reveals that the girls will be living in the Waldorf Astoria. Tyra bons with the girls over their "interesting flaws," before calling them up for another elimination. Tyra has twelve photos in her hand. And, in this order: Yaya, "Kristi," Julie, Jennipher, Kelle, Cassie, Toccara, Nicole, Eva, Norelle, Amanda -- congratulations, you are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. Will Ann and Leah step forward? In the photo shoot, it was difficult for the photographer to capture Leah because she couldn't take direction. In her shoot, Ann was dead. Despite the fact that she sucked less, Leah is eliminated. Leah is sad, but she's not going to stop in the face of rejection. You'll still see her out there. Sure, honey. Tell it to Adrianne Curry.

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Shut Up, Amanda

The Girl Everyone Thinks Is A Backstabber - Makeovers! Amanda gets blonde extensions, which enable her inner hag to shine through. Cassie has an eating disorder, or else she doesn't, depending on when you ask her. The girls are made to do a beauty shot sans makeup (an ironic twist for an episode practically coated in Cover Girl), which gives Janice a lot to work with. Tyra lets her biases shine through. Julie gets the axe. And just when you think you've had enough, there's Danilo.

This week's elimination challenge is to create a natural look using CoverGirl cosmetics. Yaya is not confident because -- guess what? -- she has bad skin. Amanda, who looks like a freaking streetwalker in a pair of cut-off jean shorts and black midriff-baring top, thinks that she looks good, and that she followed the makeup instruction well. But too bad, Amanda, because Norelle is the winner. Yay! Norelle gets to take three buddies, and she picks her roommates -- Eva, Ann, and "Kristi." The four of them get to wear Anand Jon fashions to the party. And Anand Jon is there -- try to contain your excitement. But he is Indian, and guess what...so is Julie! Anand looks like an Indian Fabio. The losers have to work and serve at the party. All's fun until you get to the elimination. At judge's table, the following women are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model: Amanda, Nicole, Eva, Yaya, Toccara, Jennipher, Cassie, Norelle, Ann, and "Kristi." Will Julie and Kelle please step forward? Both of your pictures suck. Kelle, you played the blame game. You need to hear a critique and say, "I can do better." Or, if this show is any indication of the new wave of grammar, "Kelle can do better." Julie, what's with the manufacturing shizzle? You both lack passion, and Tyra is so disappointed in the. Both. Of. You. Julie is eliminated. Boo! According to her, the one time in her life that she was honest, she got burned. That, my friends, is a lesson learned. She's sad that this is over. Goodbye, Julie.

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Sherlock Homely

New York City! 7:43 AM. The girls rise with the sun. The girls receive Tyra mail, which tells them to put on their sweats (which many seem to interpret as "coochie-cutting shorts") and sneakers and head to the YWCA. "Kristi" feels right at home because of the Christian part, and Ann feels right at home because she's a dyke. And I mean that as a compliment. Once at the Y, they meet Miss J., who is going to teach them how to work the runway. Miss J. is totally dressed like the schoolmarm in an alternate-universe transvestite Van Halen "Hot for Teacher" video. Toccara says of Miss J., "She's just fabulous." So the hicks from the sticks really don't really stand a chance, is all. As evidence: Jennipher thinks that J. is "the funniest man [she's] ever seen", and "Kristi" says, "Why doesn't someone explain J. to us? He wears heels, and no one says anything about it!" Well, okay, "Kristi." Yes, he is a giant flamer but, more importantly, he is the expert in teaching sorry asses like yours to walk. Thus, to have professional credibility, he needs to be able to walk like a bitch in heels. And believe you me, he does. So shut up and get schooled, jowly.

Night on the town. The girls pull up to a club, and notice a line out front. But wait, surprise! J. tells the girls that they are going to be starring in the Heatherette fashion show tonight! Whoop! Eva practically leaps into Ann's arms to celebrate the news. I'm just saying. Get your bony asses into hair and makeup! Afterwards, J. says that the girls have "taken their first shot of fashion crack." Later in this episode, Jennipher will take her second, less successful shot. Amanda says that the experience was "fierce." And I am soooo sick of the word "fierce." J. asks to see Amanda's walking stick. She has an effing walking stick? I bet there's a German Shepard that brings her a copy of the Braille Daily Register every morning at the apartment, too. J. asks her questions about her vision, and Amanda says that she is "completely night blind."

Afterwards, J. arrives at the house and is greeted in an annoying fashion by Amanda. He's come to announce the winner from the Heatherette contest, who must choose two other girls to accompany her on an all-day yacht trip. J. gives the girls his critique. Even though Toccara was a fan favorite and totally thinks she's going to win, the prize goes to Eva.

Judging panel. Only ten women will still be in the running to be America's Next Top Model. They are: Cassie, Ann, Nicole, Toccara, Eva, Amanda, Norelle, Yaya, Kelle. Will "Kristi" and Jennipher please step forward? You both suck, but Jennipher is slightly less ugly. So long, "Kristi"!

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This Episode Was Brought To You By The Letter "F"

The girls get some yoga-inspired fashion training from the world's first supermodel, Janice Dickinson.

Then, Tyra mail! "Did you ever have a dream that you were walking around in only your underwear?" The girls drive to La Perla. Amanda interviews that everybody knows La Perla is "it" when it comes to lingerie. Oh, shut up, you. As they enter the store they are greeted by Simon Doonan, recurring guest star and creative director for Barney's, who is wearing Olsen-twins sized sunglasses. He tells the girls that today's challenge is all about posing. They are going to be dressed in lingerie and put in La Perla's window for all of New York to see! Simon tells Amanda that lingerie is not her forte -- ha! He says that Yaya was too athletic and body builder-ish, Norelle was the most sweet, Kelle was very creative and natural, Cassie was "too bada-bing," Nicole worked the pin-up angle, Toccara didn't display her natural charm (e.g. boobies, but you can't really blame her for that), Ann was not creative but has a natural elegance, Eva is a show-off, which is good, and that Jennipher looks like she took a Quaalude. Jennipher interviews that she didn't feel well that day, which is why she wasn't Miss Personality. And if you look closely, you can see one little snaggletooth begin to make its way into the world. Rest assured that we'll be seeing much more of it later. Kelle wins the competition!

More Tyra Mail! "The modeling world is a catty dog-eat-dog biz. Sometimes you've just gotta roll with the punches." The girls speculate that the photo shoot will involve animals. Tyra reveals that the girls will be doing a shoot for Dooney and Bourke purses while on roller skates.

At judges' table, Jennipher and Kelle step forward. Jennipher, from week to week it seems like you don't want to be here. As much as you say you want to be here, the judges don't feel it. Kelle, your pictures are some of the worst of the bunch. Some of the judges wonder why you are still here. When they look at you in person, they see a model; when they look at your pictures they see a fugly snout. "Kelle, maybe there is some potential locked in there somewhere." So long, Pocatello! Jennipher angrily sobs that if she didn't want to be there, she wouldn't have left everything she had back home. Like Saturday evenings at the Pocatello Wal-Mart, perhaps? Who'd want to give that up! She feels that modeling is her purpose, but maybe not at this time. And while she is ranting, we get a chance to see her messed-up bottom teeth, which look a bit like the Manhattan skyline against which she is taking her leave.

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Smells Like Cupcakes

Oh, Kelle. You tried and tried, and still you sucked. But with every episode you became a little blacker and, perhaps not coincidentally, increasingly more lovable. It's too bad that your final moments were overshadowed by someone putting her fingers in someone else's brownies. So long, my little Snoutley Monkeykins, and good luck recovering the precious remnants of your self-esteem.

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Don't You Mean, "The Girl Whose Thighs Were Twenty-Nine Inches Around"?

Toccara is all about eating (eating while awake and asleep!). Is America ready for a plus-size Top Model?

Phone call! A voice recording disguising itself as Tyra informs Yaya that the girls need to get together and meet her for a challenge. They should dress like they're going in front of the judges, wear comfortable shoes, and also bring high heels. The girls will be heading out to do go-sees and will be judged on their overall looks, walks, and personality. Marc Bouwer announces the winner of the competition. He goes from lowest to highest: Norelle - 170; Nicole - 178.5; Toccara - 181; Cassie - 184; Eva - 188.5; Amanda - 188.5. Yaya has 211, and Ann has 207.5. Yaya is the winner. Back at the apartment, we see that Yaya's prize is actually one rack in total of well-spaced clothes.

The following girls are still in the running: Eva, Ann, Yaya, Norelle, Amanda, Nicole. Will Toccara and Cassie please step forward? The judging was very difficult, but in the end, it's Cassie who is sent home.

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Along Came A Spider

Toccara interviews that at the last elimination, Nol said that America wasn't ready to see a plus-sized top model. Toccara says that her mission is to break the norm and show that big girls can be high-fashion too.

Tyra mail! Nicole grabs the message, and Ann and Eva come up with the ingenious idea of playing a practical joke on the house and reading a fake Tyra Mail that the models are going to Europe. The real Tyra Mail reads, "Get ready for a twenty-first-century red carpet ride." Oooh, mysterious! Actually, not at all. The girls go to the department store Century 21, which sells designer clothes on the cheap. Their challenge is to put together a head-to-toe look for a daytime event in fifteen minutes. In the end, Yaya wins the competition. Eva's face immediately drops.

At judges' table, Toccara and Ann step forward. Toccara seemed to have the drive from the beginning. Ann seemed to be a competitor. But right now, neither of them looks like a model, or a model in the making. Tyra says, "We can't send two of you home, because maybe one of you wants it a little bit more than the other." No, they can't send two home because those are the rules. Congratulations, Ann. You're still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. Boo! Janice says, "Good luck, Toccara." Toccara hugs the girls and leaves.

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Turning Japanese

After the girls discuss their flaws and potential (again!), they receive Tyra Mail! "Prepare to die. Be ready at 9:15 a.m." The girls look puzzled. The girls enter a small theater, where they are greeted by something some troll that grunts a hello and introduces itself as Sande Shurin, acting teacher. The troll tells the girls that it is there to teach them about acting, and specifically a cold reading acting technique. Yaya wins the the challenge.

Tyra can't resist a little acting of her own, so she crashes the lesson in a nurse's uniformand announces that they're going to Tokyo! It's straight to work for the girls as they're going to have to put their newfound acting skills to the test as they do a cold read for a Campbell's Soup commercial. In Japanese. Eva botches her ad big-time.

Tyra welcomes the girls to their first judging in Japan, and says that the girls will be evaluated on their Campbell's commercial, as well as on today's test, which involves filming a commercial for umeboshi. Ann wins the challenge, and is joined by Eva, Norelle, and Amanda. When the judging comes down to Yaya and Nicole, it's Nicole who's sent home for her forgettableness.

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Tea And No Sympathy

It's early in the morning when the girls receive Tyra Mail: "Hope you enjoyed your cozy beds, but now it's time to stretch your legs. Pack your bags and get ready to go, at 11:00 a new home you'll know." Their new home is totes awesome and peaceful.

For their first challenge, the models must perform a traditional tea ceremony in kimonos. The winner of the tea ceremony is Yaya, natch. After getting to watch Tyra herself model, the girls take their turns posing dramatically. Amanda, Yaya, and Eva are still safely in the running, which leaves the decision between Ann and Norelleand it's Norelle who's left packing back to the U.S.

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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

We're down to the final four contestants. In order to become the America's Next Top Model, the girls must tackle their Tokyo challenges. The first is to master the art of street style, and Eva nails the look. The girls then have to pose with a motorcycle and look like they're in motion.

Judging panel. It is time for the eleventh cut. Ann is eliminated, though Tyra admits that she feels that none of them have when it takes -- it's time to step it up!

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Viva La Diva!

Eleven were eliminated, and three contenders now remain. There is Amanda, whose hypnotic ice-blue eyes captivated the judges, but also proved to be her most tragic feature. Because, in case you haven't heard, she's blind, kind of. Amanda's disability did not hold her back, however, and she consistently worked it like it was for sale and her final layaway payment on a miracle cure for retinitis pigmentosa was due tomorrow. Then there's Eva the Diva, who served it with a helping of fried attitude at casting. But she showed her inner layers throughout the season as her tough demeanor melted when, like, she got a paper cut. And finally, there's Yaya. And this, I am going to quote verbatim from Tyra's voice-over: "Will it be Yaya, the Ivy League grad whose road to become top model had more than a few bumps on it?" Ha! Because of her pimples! Double ha! Apparently Yaya's consultation with the dermatologist helped to clear things up because, Tyra tells us, "With her skin trouble behind her, it was Yaya's natural beauty that started to break out."

The girls compete for a national CoverGirl ad, and Eva wins Cover Girl of the week, for the fifth week in a row. How convenient! After their photo shoot, the girls have to do a go-see with Tokyo-based designer Noriko Fukushima. Amanda is sent home mid-episode, leaving an Eva/Yaya walk-off for the finale.

After the runway show, the judges discuss Eva and Yaya's catwalk performances, plus all their photos throughout the competition. AND IT IS EVA! Eva screams and starts to cry, overwhelmed with joy. Yaya, to give her a little bit of credit, smiles with all the warmth she can muster when she sees that Eva is the winner. The judges all give over-exaggerated reaction shots, and Janice in particular looks crazy, like she is about to have a seizure or is a greeter at Wal-Mart. Eva says incredulously, "Beautiful? A model? Me?" Yaya says, "In comparison to other people in this competition, I definitely feel like I deserve to be recognized, and I will. But they wanted something a little bit more bubbly, and they found it."

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