America's Next Top Model

Normal Is Boring

As photos of an adorable little black girl in poufy pigtails flash across the screen, we hear a familiar voice say, "My mama thinks I was born to be a top model." As photos of a slightly awkward teenage girl appear, the voice says, "And somehow I got from this..." -- cut to an alien transvestite in a slutty gown and awful red weave working it on the runway -- "...to this." It's Tyra, everyone! More photos and footage of grown-up, supermodel Tyra. Wow, I never suspected she'd begin the season with photos of herself. It's so unlike her. And also, I have seen her Driven episode on MTV, and I know she has much more awkward teenage photos that she could share. "Are top models born or made?" she asks. "You're not born a top model, I could tell you that." Actually, you are telling us that, Tyra. "You have to work for it." We see photos of the last three seasons' winners, and Tyra says that they studied, struggled, and went all out to achieve their dreams. I guess Adrienne's dream was to throw back a few drinks with Mini-Me. Tyra tells us that thousands of girls sent in audition tapes, lobbying for a chance to "go from an unknown to a top model." Or, more accurately, from an unknown to a slightly lesser unknown. We see some faces that will soon become familiar. Tyra tells us that these girls had better work it, starting right now. And with that, a new season of Top Model commences. Yay!

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Send In The Clowns

Previously: Thousands of women applied, and all we got were these fugly final fourteen? They include Brita, a hardworking waitress trying to take down her younger competitors; Brandy, whose best friend Grimace applied as a plus-sized contender but was rejected; Manly Michelle, who fiercely works both male and female sex organs; and Tiffany, who gives the editors an excuse to flashback to "That skank ho poured beer on my weave" during every episode. Tonight, the journey of the final fourteen begins.

The opening sequence is a bit different this season. The song has words that include "You wanna be on top?" over and over again. As we see shots of past competitors, captions tell us, "Fierce beauty, fabulous strut, fresh personality. Who has what it takes to become America's Next Top Model?" Apparently Tyra does, because we get a screen full of her at the end.

It is a lovely, warm-looking day. We see flashes of one-way signs, an "I love NY" handbag, and the Spring Street subway station, from which the fourteen finalists emerge. Brandy's 'fro shines in the sun, and Tyra's cousins on Jupiter spot a mysterious red flash. Brandy says that she's made it, which is totally tripping her out. She doesn't plan on leaving. Right now I'd have to say that she's channeling a scary clown. Kahlen says she never thought she'd make it this far, and that she's not used to being one of the beautiful girls. And given some of her colleagues in this competition, I'd have to say that I think the key to self-confidence is low expectations.

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Viva Las Vagus

Previously: The fourteen finalists moved into their new abode, which is naturally in the back of a warehouse owned by fashion-designing bikers. At makeover time, Michelle suffered through scalp-eroding peroxide, which was nearly as painful as hiding a deep, dark secret about one's sexuality, while Brandy and Keenyah bitched and moaned. In the end, the judges felt that Brita lacked the "edge" of a top model, what with all her excess flesh. Thirteen girls remain. And I must say, kudos to the editors for not giving away who is eliminated in the Previously on. FOR ONCE.

It is morning in L.A. The smog hangs thick, but not thick enough to conceal Michelle's ambiguous sexuality. The girls are awakened by Tyra Mail: "Today you'll battle to the death in a coliseum. Be ready at 10 AM." Finally, a good bludgeoning! The lack of one has thus far has really kept this show from moving to the top tier. Rebecca says that all the girls have been happy-go-lucky and getting along well. She adds that people tend to think that she's too nice, but thatshe's actually a very serious competitor, and she's going to give it her all. Michelle interviews that she was unsure about "living with other people." Like, at all? I guess it is kind of a radical shift from her solitary fortress under the bridge. She says that the thought of it made her very anxious. As Tiffany goes to brush product out of Michelle's hair, Michelle tells her not to catch her earrings, and that she's paranoid. Tiffany interviews that the smallest things freak Michelle out, and says, "Michelle...got problems." Yeah, no shit. Brandy interviews that being in the bottom two sucked, and that Tyra gave her an ass-whooping with regard to her attitude. Brandy says that her biggest opponent right now is herself. And I think those are very self-aware comments from a person who knowingly chose to sew a clown wig into her head.

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Brandy, You're a Fine Girl

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Brandy lost her big ol' 'fro but kept her big ol' 'tude and everybody knew it; Rebecca's eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted in the middle of judging, and not because of the usual Janice Dickinson "too many Quaaludes" reasons; and Sarah's lack of confidence (read: complete absence of remotely attractive facial features) got her sent home. Twelve girls remain, and one of them will soon have flesh-eating bacteria. Life is good.

Los Angeles. Cars are everywhere, using up the precious remnants of the world's fossil fuels. Rebecca sits in her bedroom. She explains to us that, at the previous panel she felt nauseated for a few seconds, and then got fuzzy black and white tunnel vision, and then -- and we once again see the footage -- she fainted backwards. This all happened so quickly that no one had time to yell "timber." She says that she's had vagus nerve problems since she was three, and that her condition is not fatal but can be scary. She says she's going to be okay. Lluvy asks if Rebecca still feels sluggish, and Rebecca says her shoulder hurts. If those other girls had been thinking, one of them totally could have put a stake/stiletto heel won as a challenge prize somewhere underneath Rebecca as she was falling. Rebecca interviews that her condition will not affect her modeling career, and that it's time to move on. And so we do.

The girls yawn. Brittany says that she was almost eliminated due to her sex-kitten vibe, and we see Tyra telling her that her photo looks like a porno cover. This is kind of baffling to me, since as soon as Brittany opens her mouth, it's apparent that she's a big old dork. Brittany wants to show that she has a different look, and does not want to look like someone who does porn, which is understandable.

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The Flesh Eaters Are Coming!

Previously: Michelle had a tendency to freak out, to the amusement of all; Tyra told Lluvy that she had the worst photo in ANTM history, which was a total lie; and Brandy was sent back to clown college, from which she'll also be expelled due to her attitude, I assume. Only eleven girls are left! And one of them is about to look even worse!

It is day at the Top Model warehouse apartment. A hoodied Lluvy says it's weird that Brandy is gone, and Tatiana mumbles something like "Ieva bear lish." Seriously, it's totally unintelligible. Why do they put those things in the show? Tatiana then says she thinks it's great, presumably because (a) she hated Brandy, who kind of threatened her, and (b) if Brandy had, stayed Lluvy would be gone. Lluvy says she expected to go home, and that hearing that hers was the worst picture in ANTM history has put more pressure on her. "Holy camole, I'm that girl," she says. And I stand behind anyone who uses the phrase "Holy camole."

Hideous Christina the Head Louse -- who may soon lose that moniker because she's actually been pretty non-offensive (I know, I'm going soft) -- says that Michelle keeps to herself and doesn't try to fit in or make friends. She adds that Michelle's personality is different from those of the other girls. Or, more aptly, "personalities." Michelle hulks around awkwardly and scratches herself. Perhaps she would like some gristle to eat. She tells us that she woke up one morning with a few strange spots on her face that look like burn marks. She's never experienced this before, and doesn't know what it is. Outside, Noelle gossips to Keenyah about Michelle's condition: "Maybe she hurts herself to make herself feel better," and then applies some blush. I'm sorry, but I'm so sure that Michelle is burning her own face while competing in a modeling competition. Does endometriosis travel to the brain? Keenyah jokingly suggests that it might be witchcraft, or that Michelle worships the devil. And I guess it's just as well that we are reminded that the brain-cell count in this household is lower than that in the Oval Office. Noelle exclaims that Michelle has big old scabs. Which, point taken. But can't someone just kindly suggest that Michelle see a doctor?

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Drunken Angel

Previously: Michelle had facial lesions stemming from creepy crawly flesh-eaters on her face, which the doctor diagnosed as impetigo and not so bad after all. Nevertheless, the other girls panicked and lobbied the show's producers to see if they could have her isolated la John Travolta in the 1976 classic The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. Though it was a good idea, they failed in their mission. Tyra told Lluvy that she had the worst photo in the history of ANTM, but it was the non-modelesque Noelle who was sent back to her bratty miracle baby at last. Ten girls remain!

Los Angeles! A fresh film of smog hangs over the skyline. Tiffany asks Michelle if she has news from her doctor. Michelle says that her impetigo is clearing up and should be gone in a couple of days. Lluvy asks if she's relieved. No, you idiot, she loves the way weeping sores set off her jawline. God. Michelle says that the impetigo is "not as contagious," so the other girls should be safe. Lluvy says, "Now you can rub your head on our pillows." Michelle thinks, "On your dirty pillows, yes." Michelle tells us, yet again, "I have impetigo, like, a bacterial thing, but the fact that my skin is, like, clearing up and everything and it's going away is definitely lifting my spirits." And, like, now she can just worry about, like, her gender ambiguity and borderline personality disorder and everything. For some unknown reason, we then get a few seconds of Keenyah and Brittany rubbing and patting each other in bed. Fully clothed, of course. Lluvy says she is sick of being in the final two. We get a flashback of Tyra telling Lluvy that her pictures suck. She says that she knows she's got to step it up 110%.

Tyra Mail! "Top Models need to have good figures. How bankable are you?" The girls all repeat, "How bankable are you?" in unison. Keenyah then says, "Good figures," while rubbing her fingers together, indicating that she believes money will be involved.

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Au Revoir, Bitches!

Previously: Michelle's scabies cleared up and she regained her confidence despite looking like she crawled up from the sewers of Middle Earth. Meanwhile, Tiffany began to lose her mojo and Brittany tried to emulate her predecessor, Janice Dickinson, by drinking all the alcohol available within a three-mile radius. At a blatant T&A photo shot, Lluvy and Rebecca struggled to be sexy enough but failed. Lluvy was eventually put out of her misery and sent home, despite actually being quite ppretty. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

It is night in Los Angeles. Rebecca notes that her room seems empty since three of her roommates have been eliminated. She says that she really liked the recently eliminated Lluvy, who left a nice note on her bed. Kahlen says that it was hard to see Rebecca and Lluvy in the final two last week, and that Rebecca is her best friend in the house. Rebecca interviews that being in the final two was terrifying, and says that she needs to be sexier and edgier to counter the judges' criticism that she looks too sweet and innocent. She continues that it's difficult to give the contest her full concentration, because she feels like she should be home with her fianc, Todd. Oh come on. Live a little, Betty Crocker. Rebecca says to Kahlen that she needs to improve, and Kahlen says, "Yours is just your face, though. That's something you can easily fix." Unless you are Michelle, in which case no amount of maxillofacial surgery will make you look like a real live woman. A rat-weaved Kahlen interviews that she is nervous about being typecast as the unconfident, shy girl. She says that it is difficult to overcome twenty years of her life in a few short weeks. And she doesn't even come from the ghetto, y'all.

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Death Becomes Her

As usually happens following a great and momentous event, this week's post-Tyrade Top Model is actually a bit of a letdown. The girls all feel on edge after Tiffany's drama-filled elimination, and Tyra -- her nerves calmed after a trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Wes's Ribhouse -- comes to assure them that she's not actually going to have a breakdown every week. And actually, that's really because Tiffany was her favorite and she could actually give a rat's ass about the rest of them. The girls get a lesson in interviewing and being interviewed from Entertainment Tonight correspondent Jann Carl, and are later tested on what they've actually learned when they have to interview fellow UPN star and neophyte fashion designer Eve. And I am actually really sick of celebrities trying to sell us their ugly, ugly clothes. Christina wins the challenge, which doesn't actually seem to entail any kind of prize other than her interview actually being shown on Entertainment Tonight. Unless that actually comes with a side of diamonds, I think she was robbed. Meanwhile, Kahlen gets the news from home that one of her high school friends has actually passed away suddenly. In a really messed up "coincidence," the girls then discover that their shoot will actually entail posing as one of the Seven Deadly Sins while actually in a coffin at the bottom of an eight-foot grave. The girls look alternately ghoulish and drag-queenish, and an upset Kahlen actually manages to work her emotions into a convincing photo as "Wrath." At judging, the girls must endure a mock press conference with the judges, where Janice actually calls Christina out on her flatulence. Michelle gets weird and actually breaks down yet again at criticism on her photo, and also lands in the final two. But it is the toothless Tatiana who is eliminated and that's actually fine with everyone else because actually, nobody likes her. Oh, and Christina says "actually," like, a whole lot.

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XX Why?

Previously on ANTM: Kahlen's friend died, but Kahlen was still fierce. Christina had to look like lust, but was not fierce. And despite a fierce picture, Tatiana's brain was not fierce, and so she was sent home. Fiercely. Six girls remain! Who will be eliminated next? I can hardly stand the suspense!

It is night. Christina and Brittany talk about how nerve-wracking the competition has become. They discuss the last elimination, when Tyra noted that one of the final two girls wanted it more than the others. Brittany says she was sure that Tatiana was going home at that point, because Michelle wants to win the competition more than any girl there. Michelle says that being in the final two was scary, and that she thought she was going home. She interviews that she now has to step up not only in the photo shoots but in the challenges as well. And there was something about the combination of Michelle talking to Brittany and Christina, the flashback of her looking mildly crazed at judging, and her dark roots and red face in the interview that made my non-ANTM-watching girlfriend say, "I'd like to see an hour show all about her." Meanwhile, Naima and Kahlen look at giant blow-ups of their photo-booth shoots from the beginning of the season and talk about how much they've changed. It's been a transformative three weeks, I guess.

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The Kloof Will Set You Free

Previously: The girls learned that they were going to South Africa. Much screaming and jiggling ensued. Christina tried to warm up her chilly personality by posing as an ostrich, while Keenyah packed on the pounds and was stereotyped in an elephant getup. In the end, Michelle couldn't handle the stress and was finally sent packing just as everyone was getting tired of she-nis jokes. Five girls remain! Who will be the next to go?

African music and scenes of wild animals, lovely beaches, and exotic villages welcome us to Cape Town, South Africa. Naima and Brittany discuss how great it is to be in South Africa, and in the top five. Suddenly, in comes Tyra pushing a room-service cart. "I bring food! I bring food!" she says. This is followed by an off-camera opening of the lid and Tyra yelling, "I ate all the food! I ate all the food! Can someone get these bitches some damn more food?" She is outfitted in a silky green bathrobe over black pants, because one of the main perks about being a Victoria's Secret model is that you get to keep all of the ugly clothes. Tyra jumps on Kahlen's bed to wake her up. The girls eat and Tyra asks them how it feels to be in the final five. Keenyah says that having everyone comment on how her physique most closely resembles that of Louie Anderson was a wake-up call for her. Tyra says that she's struggled through the same thing. Oh really? I hadn't noticed. Keenyah says that she's "bringing it" now. Well if "it" is fifteen extra pounds, I concur. Tyra asks if the girls feel like they have changed throughout the contest. I know I, for one, feel much, much dumber. ["Great smoky eye, though!" -- Wing Chun] Naima says that she feels completely different, and interviews that, growing up, she was a really angry kid, due in part to her parents' divorce. She got into the party scene for a long time, hit the bottle, and generally felt lost. We see photos of Naima with bright red hair to emphasize the undeniable craziness. Tyra says that trying to forget all that she has gone through is stifling Naima's personality and making her into a "shell of a person." As a contrast, Tyra is free with her emotions because she can't find a shell big enough. Naima says that she sometimes tends to be soft-spoken and meek because she doesn't want to relive her uncomfortable past.

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Ebony And Ivory

Previously: Tyra joined the final five girls for dinner, where they played along and pretended she was Oprah. At go-sees, the girls met South Africa's fashion elite and discovered that Keenyah is ruthlessly competitive, and also a big fat hoss. In the end, Christina couldn't overcome her ice queen reputation and was sent away to find herself some lips. Four girls remain! Who will be eliminated tonight?

We are in Cape Town, at the Rozenhof restaurant. Brittany spears some food off of Keenyah's plate and proceeds to eat it. Keenyah gives an exaggerated and irritated "Thanks, BRIT," and Brittany returns an exaggerated "You're WELCOME." And if I were Brittany, I would avoid taking food from Keenyah, because if her hunger is not sated, she might start to gnaw on Brittany's thigh while Brittany sleeps. Naima interviews that Keenyah and Brittany have formed a close friendship, and that Kahlen is Naima's best friend in the house. And I kind of love Naima's Mohawk, but when it's completely straight up and a little fluffy she looks like the Heat Miser. She's...too much! Naima talks about how hard it was for the girls to critique each other during the challenge at panel. We flash back to Keenyah saying that Naima has the least model potential because of her "shell." Keenyah interviews that Naima doesn't have an outgoing personality, and that "people aren't going to relate to her as much as they're going to relate to, like, Brittany. Or, you know, to [Keenyah herself]." In fact, people from all over the world stop Keenyah on the street and tell her how humble she is. And how her sports bra with a tube top over it indicates that she is on the cusp of cutting-edge couture. F***ng Keenyah.

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Naima Make You Scream-a

Previously: Chaos! Crazy photo shoots! Fourteen finalists have "weathered the toughest competition yet," which in layman's terms means "suffered with Tyra through her nervous breakdown." Three girls remain, and one of these will be named America's Next Top Model, and in a glorious three weeks will be crowned America's Next Top Has-Been. The lucky contenders are:

Kahlen, the "small-town girl from Oklahoma" who came to this competition with "absolutely no experience." Yeah, I don't know about that. But everyone thought Kahlen looked like Carmen Kass, and so lobbed the word "fierce" at her at every opportunity. However, Kahlen has some confidence issues and, quite frankly, often looks like crap in person. Also, she lacks experience with the man meat. Kahlen needs to prove to the judges that she believes in herself enough to take it to "the next level."

Then we have Naima, a "reformed party girl" who came to L.A. embracing a "new, quiet, dignified self." We see her telling the judges in auditions that she carried around a lot of anger, but now her Mohawk is helping to center her thoughts. Well, that and the heavy doses of medication that result in her slow speech pattern. I must say that Naima's highlights served her well, because she looks kind of odd when I see her now with very dark hair. Naima's unique, multi-ethnic look and newfound focus and determination helped her to rock the challenges. She now needs to find out the difference between keeping it together and keeping it all inside. In other words, shed some tears and tell Tyra how grateful you are if you want to stand a chance, bitches.

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