America's Next Top Model

School Daze

It's Cycle 10 of America's Next Top Model, bitches. Yes, I really said 10. Our little girl is a woman now! Our traditional group of 35 semifinalists makes their way to L.A. for a little screening and training by Tyra and the Jays. In a tribute to Britney Spears, or Catholicism, or Mo'Nique, or perverts, the girls have to dress in school uniforms as they are put through their paces. The big news is that Marvita is back, and has apparently had some therapy. Note that I didn't say the therapy took. But she's had it. The photo shoot and initial runway test show us that most of them are pretty busted, and particularly Brooklyn artist Lauren, who is this season's awkward girl ugly duckling. Other standouts include Polish Cornell graduate Katarzyna, Dominique (whom the other girls call a transvestite before I even get the opportunity), Model Barbie Kim, Anya with the weird accent, the girl from Wisconsin who tries so hard to be memorable, Claire who drinks her own breast milk, Muhammad Ali's niece Shayla, plus-sized Whitney (another plus-sized Whitney!), and Fatima from Somalia.

Fatima has some problems with the other girls, which start when she tells the African-American contingent that they're ghetto. And, like, not ghetto in a good way. Shayla wants to use some of her uncle's skills on Fatima, while self-proclaimed bitch Shalynda bristles when Fatima asks if she can actually call her "bitch." Good times. All is forgiven later on when Fatima pulls the old "I was a victim of genital mutilation" card. Everyone empathizes with and comforts an emotional Fatima. Except, that is, for Marvita, whose months have therapy have taught her that this is the appropriate time to ask if Fatima feels like less of a woman. There's an initial cut down to 20, in which Shayla is most memorably given the boot, and then the girls have to go through one more photo shoot involving a fur stole to determine the final 13. Can someone please verify that that thing's not fake so that PETA can start throwing eggs at Tyra? Marvita, awkward Heather, Fatima, and a bunch of other bitches make it through, and then Tyra drops a bomb that you won't believe: this year there will be 14 finalists! That means good news for Dominique, which in turn is good news for the fake tanning industry. Let us pray for an especially bitchilicious season as the girls return to where they really belong: New York City!

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Twisted Sister

Top Model is back, Beverly Hills-style! Tyra and co. make thirty-six hopefuls spill their sob stories before either cutting them or subjecting them to further humiliation in a final group of twenty. After a mock runway show and a one-on-one session with Tyra (surprise!), the group is cut to thirteen finalists, including a lesbian, a strayed Jehovah's Witness, a Texas beauty queen, and a broad-shouldered klutz with duck lips. The final thirteen then go on a tour of stars' homes with Robin Leach (no, I am not kidding), settle in their pimped-out Beverly Hills pad, walk in another mock runway show, experiment with same-sex smooching, and attend their first photo-shoot in which they are dressed as superheroes and fly Peter Pan-style on a harness before one of the blonde-ish girls gets kicked off. It all sounds kind of exciting but, well...I'm not saying that this season is going to be boring, but where once there were bitches pouring beer on weaves, there is now shopping for Chapstick and arguing over Ramen Noodles. Step it up, bitches.

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Kim Gets A Toaster

We are at the Beverly Hills city hall, where the finalists are met by the two Jays. Jay Manuel is tastefully dressed in all black, which makes him look like the jack-o-lantern version of Johnny Cash. Jay tells the girls that Beverly Hills is where stars are made, and that, to be a top model you need to look and be like a star. J. Alexander adds that they'll try to make the girls look like stars, but that only one can be the real star of America's Next Top Model. They're like a modern-day Hepburn and Tracy, these two, with their clever patter. Back at the house, Kim tells the others that her girlfriend can make out with all the boys she wants while Kim is gone, as long as she wants Kim when she gets back. Oh, Kim. She goes on to love her gold lame outfit, which makes her look lump-a-dump. At judging, Tyra isn't looking for perfection; she is looking for talent she can work with. But seeing Sarah crack under pressure made the judges wonder if she could handle the competition. Tyra condescendingly tells Ashley that she's probably wondering why she's there. She says that Ashley's picture and runway walk were all right, but that the judges think Ashley might just be a pretty girl who doesn't have what it takes to become a top model.

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Do Mess With Texas

Makeovers! The girls go to Louis Licari, where they learn their fate. Cassandra is told that she will get a Rosemary's Baby-style Mia Farrow haircut and just cries and cries. Turns out that she was right to cry, because it looks like hot buttered ass. Coryn gets a long, Tyra-style weave that has the unfortunate effect of making her look even more transgendered. Otherwise, the makeovers go relatively well, and each girl gets a theme/attitude to go with their look ("mod," "ghetto fabulous," "supermodel with a twist," "femme boy," etc.). The next day, a circus freak challenges the girls to take $500 and put together an outfit that represents their theme/attitude to the extreme. Rodeo Drive has never seen such madness. Lisa, who has the advantage of being a wardrobe stylist's assistant, wins the challenge and proceeds to annoy everyone with her bossy "I'm gonna beat all you bitches despite the fact that I'm older than Bea Arthur" attitude. At their photo shoot, the girls are told to pick a partner and then learn that they will be wearing the same outfit as -- and facing off against -- said partner in a sort of photo duel. We learn that Cassandra can't slouch and that horses poop unexpectedly. At Panel, it is Ebony who is eliminated, which makes sense since she is really not that pretty.

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Bye, Curious

Lady lovers, torn apart! And little Cassie Pan, flying back to Neverland! In this jam-packed episode, a sequin-flippered Miss J. has the girls practice their runway walks around a pool before they must compete in a challenge for designer Sue Wong that involves a turning runway platform and elaborate dresses. Bre is totally great and wins. Later, Kim and Sarah do some making out under the covers, despite Sarah's assurance to her boyfriend that she "doesn't swing that way." The girls next embark on a hilarious photo shoot that involves a treadmill and a green screen and Kim reveals herself to be kind of a player. And then stupid Cassandra won't let Mr. Jay and the ANTM stylists cut another inch off her hair. She thinks her decision is based on principle, but really she is just a dumb-ass. Jay tells her to leave his set, and she leaves the house. This all gets less time and dramatic import than you might think, because the show hates Cassandra, and with good reason. At Panel, each girl gets a test on her "signature walk," and Kim makes a disclaimer that irks the judges. In the end, Kim and her lady lover are wrenched apart as Sarah is finally sent back to Boonville.

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Flaw Week!

This week is about flaws. And how to mask them. The girls are required to tell what their own flaws are and how they would mask them. As well, they must tell what the flaws in the other girls are. Nice. Then, Jay gives them five-second solutions to the physical afflictions that have been trailing their bony asses all their lives. They use his advice in a challenge where they are required to instruct the photographer as to how they should be shot -- one shot flaunting the flaw, the other masking it. Kyle wins, ably masking her miniscule neck. For her reward, she takes Kim and Coryn to a spa, where they bitch about Lisa being drunk and critical. For the photo shoot, the set is made to look like a plastic surgeon's office and Janice Dickinson is the patient! Sorry -- she's the photographer. At Panel, Diane and Bre are in the bottom two, mostly because they seem massively depressed. Diane is the eventual loser, set free to ponder her recently revealed flaws, while Tyra gnashes her teeth about websites whose sole function is to write nasty things about her. Well, she's not alone. Nobody likes the army girl from The Real World either.

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Coryn's Got A Secret

It's the season's halfway point, if you can believe it. Lisa likes to drink bottles of wine and cover herself in bubbles, and what else is new. Iman visits the girls and convinces them to put mushy bits of fruit on their face, which they then must promote in a mock interview with a mock "comedian." Kyle rocks the spokesmodel gig, but her victory is outshone by yet another tiff between Coryn and Lisa in which the phrase "alcoholic bitch" is bandied about. Sadly, there are no fisticuffs. Also, everyone continues to hate Lisa, mostly because she is obnoxious and sucks. And is also a bumbling alcoholic. She gets a bit of a martyr complex about it all, bonds with a potted plant named Cousin It, and kind of hyperventilates. Meanwhile, Tyra conveniently shows up on the scene to ask the girls if they have any vices. I sense that an intervention is imminent. The girls have to shill deodorant via the triple threat of a commercial in which they have to share a "secret," a photo shoot, and an interview. Jayla kind of steals Nik's secret, earns Nik's ire, and proves herself to be something of an undercover bitch, which comes as no surprise to those who have glanced at her MySpace. And it is my great disappointment to tell you that Coryn's true secret will never be revealed, because she's eliminated.

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Kyle-ing Me Softly

Well, there goes my pick. The girls have a backyard black-and-white photo shoot with Tyra, involving Vaseline on the face and other kinds of semi-gross things. It is apparently a preview of what's to come, as the girls must go through a day of boot-camp training and roll in sh*t-infused mud. Lisa is pretty adorable throughout the whole thing while Nicole is whiny, and Nik's pants keep falling down. Immediately afterward, the dirty girls go on a go-see with the folks at Elle Girl, at which Lisa wins a one-on-one lesson with a celebrity stylist. The week's photo shoot entails posing atop a Ford while corseted in the style of a Vargas Pinup. Kim looks extra-hot and impresses all with her ability to be feminine, which makes me think she should consider wearing a wig more often. And then I apparently missed something, because somehow the final two got down to Bre and Kyle, and I was like, "Obviously, Bre is going home," and then Tyra handed a photo to Bre, and I thought, "Did they change the format?" And then I thought, "But they're faking us out tonight and there IS no elimination!" But alas, Kyle was really and truly sent back to the DQ, because being tall and gorgeous and having a great body and actually looking like a model is a detriment to you on this show. Bitches.

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Lisa Needs Her Diaper Changed

The girls meet up with Season 3 winner Eva the Diva and are way too excited about it. She gives them some advice and tells them how great their lives will be when they too can travel with an entourage, of which at least one member is their cousin. Everybody is sick of Lisa, who has taken a fancy to dressing like a black Courtney Love. Then the girls actually do each get a mini-entourage, courtesy of Cover Girl, one of whom is used to make a crap-ass poster paper collage that is supposed to impress uber-manager Benny Medina. Yeah, I don't know. Kim does the best job and wins a guest spot on Veronica Mars. They say it's because she conveyed acting talent, but really it's because she fit the rental-car-employee-role wardrobe requirements best. The girls then participate in a photo shoot with MTV's Wildboyz, because nothing says fashion like a tattooed midget. When The Boyz show a preference for Nicole, Lisa pulls out all the stops and comes out in a diaper, in which she proceeds to urinate. All class, that one. And just when you think you're about to bid au revoir to deux bitches, Tyra pulls a truly unconscionable stunt and eliminates NOBODY. I hate that.

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An Episode Without A Heroine

This week is all about looking good no matter what, so our six remaining heroines are bound to fail. First, Jenny Shimizu makes a visit to explain that there is room for diversity in fashion, unless you are fat or over twenty-three, and also that it really isn't that hard to get Angelina Jolie to have sex with you. Yet another Entertainment Tonight correspondent appears to tell the girls that they must always look their best because you never know when a camera is lurking, and the paparazzi -- who are known for their penchant of swarming about former ANTM contestants as evidenced by all those pictures of Naima in Us Weekly -- can't wait to get a bad photo of you. Kim has been talking all kinds of trash about people for a long time, and Bre and Nik have finally had enough. They take her to task while all the girls are riding in the limo, and Jayla starts pointing and crying that Kim has been talking sh*t behind her back, because neither she nor any of the other girls have ever, ever done such a thing or called someone else a stupid, stupid bitch, for example. Lisa is filled with glee because, for once, someone else is the a**hole. Kim cries and later writes a note of apology, but Bre and Nik still think she's shady, and they are kind of right. Thankfully, according to the preview for next week, this story doesn't end here. The girls go to London, where Miss J. wears an ironic Naomi Campbell t-shirt, and they must all cram half-naked into a little phone booth for their shoot. And then Lisa and Jayla are in the final two, and I think, "Woo! Finally Jayla goes home." But then Lisa goes home, which, given her excellent photo and comparative normalcy this week, seems totally unfair. Until I remember that she wet herself in a diaper last week, which was so not easy, breezy, or beautiful. And so, cheers to Lisa! Take a break, eat a cookie, and so long, friend.

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Red Bullshit

This week is all about art and poise, as the girls must pose first as statues and then as artwork, and try not to get flummoxed by pigeons and by their own stupidity, respectively. You can guess how that goes. The famous photographer guy who took that shot of Twiggy shoots the girls as modern reinterpretations of famous paintings, which means that they wear a lot less clothing and have backgrounds courtesy of Glamour Shots. And something else happened...oh, yes. When her granola bar goes missing, Bre suffers a complete psychotic break. She rants, she raves, she pours Nicole's Red Bull down the drain, and somehow it all becomes Kim's fault. And then Kim is eliminated, which seems like a grave injustice until you realize what a terrible model she was. We are down to the final four, and I am thankful for only half of them.

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I'm Sari...So Sari

Perennial favorite Simon Doonan shows up to teach the girls about the four current trends in London fashion and amuse the home audience with his clever bon mots. The girls must purchase outfits in each of the four styles, all of which they will wear (but not at the same time) for their hilarious go-sees. Bre forgets her book and Jayla sucks, so all is right with the world. Nik wins the challenge, and also my heart, when she proves herself to be fierce in the realm of "take that, you skeezer" mind games and chooses Nicole over Bre for the runner-up prize. Nik and Jayla, sick of all the drama, decide to pair up for a day exploring London, leaving Bre and Nicole to tear each other to bits. Sadly, they make amends instead. Bitches. Prior to their Bollywood-themed photo shoot, Bre feels ill, and so Jayla, being helpful as usual, gives her Benadryl. Yes, the "do not operate machinery because you will wreck it in your sleep" Benadryl. This adds one more layer of disadvantage to Bre who, because of her challenge performance and lack of friends, only gets fifty frames on the shoot and isn't allowed to look in the mirror. But it doesn't matter, because Jayla is finally given her walking papers. She displays her customary grace and good nature when she exits, saying that it's her goal to make the eventual winner look like nothing. See you at Hot Topic, you stupid, stupid bitch.

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Sister Sledgehammer

As expected, ANTM's season finale offers up its standard fare, with a Cover Girl commercial and photo shoot, elimination from three to two, and a final runway challenge, all in a non-action-packed hour. Though Nicole totally blows the commercial part of her challenge, it is Bre who gets the size 11 stiletto in the ass first, much to the relief of everyone with eyes and a soul. As the final two, Nik and Nicole are pretty much as boring as ever. They practice their fierce stomps in a Gharani Strok fashion show as the judges look on. Nicole really is fabulous, and the judges criticize Nik for being too bouncy, i.e. having actual breasts. As we look through their final portfolios, it is clear that they're both deserving finalists. Then, for a change of pace, the judges pick a winner who actually makes sense. Yes, get out your bug spray, the locusts are coming. Nicole is tall, pretty, photogenic, relatively young, and the newest America's Next Top Model. The victory seems to ensure that she'll finally step out of the shadow of the sister who has always been better than Nicole by proving that it is looks, and not brains or personality (both of which we've been assured she has none), that make a person a success. Good on you, Nicole. And in breaking news, Nicole's sister has just won Nobel Prizes for both Peace and Literature, discovered a cure for cancer, and signed a contract with Revlon. Back to the drawing board, bitch.

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