America's Next Top Model

Bald Fuggle

Ugliest season ever! We start, as usual, at L.A. finals week as girl after suspect-looking girl shows her stuff to Tyra and the Jays. And seriously, these girls are not lookers (see: Furonda). We cut from thirty-two to twenty, and then to thirteen. Convincing sob stories guarantee New Orleans "Nose" Wendy and Nigerian "Actually Pretty" Nnenna each a place on the show, but Dani the racist Texan, chosen for her uncanny ability to sh*t-start, and "Dr. Yvonne," who is, in fact, a doctor, aren't quite so lucky. The final thirteen move to the second hour and encounter our former favorite judge Janice Dickinson, who leads them through a mock press conference in which Nnenna makes a good impression, Jade makes an ass of herself, and Gina makes us wonder if she shouldn't be riding the bus with her sister. The girls move into their L.A. house and head out to dinner, where Gina gets wasted, but in more of a sad Betty Ford kind of way than a fun Lisa kind of way. Later, topless madness ensues in the hot tub, and Joanie offers to give someone a soggy $100 bill to catwalk naked around the pool. Joanie is all class. For their photo challenge, the girls must go "bald," and they freak out until they discover that it is baldness of the prosthetic variety. They all look like weird bedazzled aliens, and Kari wins the prize for largest head ever in the competition. When eliminations roll around, it comes down to Fugly Furonda and Kreepy Kathy from the mountains, both of whom, it must be said, are not genetically blessed. Like a mangy sacrificial lamb, Kathy's the one to go. And on a final note, you think Yaya was bad? Yaya was Jade lite.

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Somebody Does, In Fact, Put Wendy in the Corner

Makeovers! At the Tricomi Salon, a bunch of girls end up looking the same-ish, while Nnenna goes bald, Sara gets a cockatiel do, and Furonda is fashioned into Tiffany 2.0. And then there's Jade, whose obnoxious complaining about her shorter blonde poodle hair is matched only by her level of delusion. Once again, there's a whole lot of noise about personal style, and a celebrity stylist who appears to be Skeletor's Mini-Me executes a challenge that Nnenna wins (under the advisement of poor, useless Naima). Furonda hands out a printed list of house rules governing how to deal with her, while Jade also alienates her housemates, going so far as to demand to use the phone while Wendy is talking to her mom. Who is alive, by the way. Good times. The girls must endure a chilly photo shoot in which they half-nakedly pose on a set made of ice. In the end, it comes down to Jade and Wendy, and despite Nigel's proclamation that Jade needs to get laid, it is Wendy who must leave. In other news, Joanie has a mad snaggle tooth.

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Pretty Things

Runway week! The girls get a lesson from Ms. J. and either play it too safe or stumble. Sooner than you can say "Madagascar hissing cockroach," the girls face a challenge in which they must walk in a mock-show for Halloween costumier Jared Gold (or should we say Jared GHOULD). And, of course, no runway show would be complete without...yes, that's right, a Madagascar hissing cockroach on a leash. Gina freaks out Yoko Ono-style about the whole affair, while Jade gives her roachy lover a little peck to the delight of sick f*cks everywhere. She wins the challenge. The girls dress as fairy-tale characters falling on a springy mattress for the week's shoot, but the real action happens in the judging challenge. Because why just have an ordinary judging when you can break someone's ankle? Though Danielle must re-enter Panel on crutches, it is Kari who breaks down, and with good reason: she is sent home with her giant head in tow. Sad times all around!

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Featuring Janice Dickinson As Herself

Holy sh*t, y'all. Janice, with the help of Season 5 contestant Lisa (who isn't allowed a speaking part), gives the girls a lesson in editorial versus commercial posing. And then she gets wasted at dinner with them, forces Gina to tell her which of the others is giving her problems, and then screams at Gina when she does. The phrases "zip it" and "you're dead to me" feature prominently. The lesson we learned today is never to rat out our bitches. Live it, learn it, love it. Emboldened by the verbal abuse she suffered, Gina finally stands up to Jade. It is climactic and anti-climactic all at once. Several minutes are spent on the girls eating delicious Special K cereal. The girls must pose commercially for a Sears catalogue in a way that encompasses the moods of the four seasons. Nnenna is once again victorious and wins an entire Sears wardrobe, and perhaps a new set of tires. And speaking of Nnenna, her boyfriend decides to hit her up with some heavy questions about her intentions toward him. He not only speaks of himself in the third person, but actually also refers to himself "this man." Dump the loser. Tyra asks the girls what their future professional goals are (other than modeling). Brooke says that she wants to be a "nurse necessitist." I think that illsnesses are the real nurse necessitists. These professional goals provide a loose "theme" for their shoot, and the shirtless male models that are thrown in provide a realistic look at what it's like to be a professional woman in the twenty-first century. Nnenna gets a little freaky with her male model, which causes even more problems in her already volatile relationship. In the end, Brooke and Gina are on the chopping block. Gina gets chopped, and thus will have to gnaw her way to the top on her own.

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Mollie Who?

For those two of you who were worried when you heard that Tyra fainted, rest your troubled minds. She's a punk, and it was an acting-week fake out. Nnenna is still having problems with her loser boyfriend, with whom Jade recommends she stay. Because Jade is all about the love, and not at all about being a saboteur. The girls learn improv techniques from The Groundlings and Nick Cannon and must compete against one another in several little games, with varying results. Jade quite unsurprisingly takes a nasty turn and insults Furonda's skin. Tough talk from someone who doesn't know what a façade, or a question, is. Furonda keeps her cool, however, and wins the challenge along with a bit part on Veronica Mars. In lieu of the standard photo shoot, the girls must film a Cover Girl commercial in which they improvise their dialogue. You can guess how that goes. Each girl only gets two takes, and then they are S.O.L. Brooke falters under the pressure while Jade thinks that she's the bee's knees, but is actually the bee's anus. Seriously, watch this episode just to see her commercial takes. At judging the girls' commercial efforts are widely mocked, with Jade and the personality-deprived Mollie Sue landing in the bottom two. But much like the vampire she so resembles, Jade cannot die and thus Mollie Sue packs her bags to head back to Boringville.

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Double Trouble

Holy camole, you guys. It's runway time again as Miss J. teaches the girls how to walk with "assessories." Leslie's worst assessory is, in fact, her ass, which only assentuates her horrible walk. Nnenna laughs at Brooke, which makes Brooke mad. Also making Brooke (and others) mad is Nnenna's habit of monopolizing the phone. The cumulative effect leads Brooke to call Nnenna a f*cking bitch and, quite unfortunately, to say that maybe she should go back to Africa. Maybe you should go back to the pond, trout face. The girls get twirling (and bad grammar) lessons from the "aswirl" twins, who are like a fey version of Louis Gossett Jr. and his extra-fey clone. They must soon put their new mad twirling skillz to use marching for God in a church fashion show that makes me wonder if I popped Paris Is Burning in the DVD player by mistake. The phrase "step with pep" is used recklessly. Proving that karma is a myth, Jade wins the competition and a $25,000 diamond ring. The week's photo shoot involves krumping with a scary clown and his posse to promote the House of Payless, and it is my sad duty to inform you that Jade was pretty awesome. Sara and Leslie krump their way to the bottom two, and it is my hot girlfriend Leslie who is eliminated. This sad news is totally overshadowed by a preview of an even more shocking elimination next week, when Joanie's incisor will be sent to snaggletooth heaven.

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Down At Snaggle Rock

This week is all about "the dark side of modeling," so we get an actress being fake-mean to the girls, as Janice Dickinson plays a brutal agent, talking about the good old days, when she fell off the runway and into Sophia Loren's lap, and Tyra and the rest of the judges being meaner than usual to the girls at Panel. Jade surprisingly keeps her cool best with the fake-mean agent (who apparently read the ANTM forums for research), and, therefore, wins yet another challenge. She picks Nnenna to share in the prize, which is a visit from a loved one. Or, in Nnenna's case, her boyfriend John. At a shoot for Pantene, the girls dress up as different types of dolls, and later they work with Tyra on a shoot in which they have to cry (with the help of a tear stick) but remain beautiful. But the real action comes halfway through the episode, when Jay announces that the girls are all getting trips to the dentist. Most are just having their teeth whitened, but Danielle and Joanie are slated for more work -- a gaposcopy and snagglectomy, respectively. Watching Joanie's plight, we are all reminded about just how gross and horrible dentistry is, as she has four teeth pulled and the rest filed down for veneers. Watching the procedure makes me want to throw up, but the results are pretty good. Danielle, on the other hand, refuses to have her gap filled, saying that she loves it, because it's part of what makes her who she is. I think this is awesome of her, but the judges disagree. Nonetheless, it is Jade, whose totally fake display of emotion at Panel the judges see right through, who lands in the final two with an ultimately doomed Brooke. Brooke is finally so wrong, she's wrong, and is sent packing.

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No, No, Nnenna

No f*cking way! Okay, okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. So first, the girls work with a media coach and then go through a mock-interview with some guy from Vanity Fair who relies on the old journalistic technique of just being really mean to people rather than asking questions. Next, Danielle caves and gets the gap narrowed. In the end, it was a good move. She looks great. The girls go to dinner where one of the makeup artists randomly surprises them by appearing whilst in Tyra drag, because this show is not gay enough. Then Tyra comes, too, and announces that everyone is going to Thailand. Yay! Nnenna, as the winner of the interview competition, and Jade, as her partner in an unholy alliance, get treated to a day at a Thai spa, and the other girls must attend to them. Furonda is a foe of skin-on-skin contact, and so manages to massage Nnenna with one long, E.T.-like finger. The mermaid-themed photo shoot for the week entails hanging upside down in a fishing net at the floating market in Bangkok Also in the fishing net are, well, some dead fish. Sweet justice. It's a physically demanding challenge, and while Jade, Joanie, and Danielle shine, the rest of the girls aren't quite as impressive. And then, the moment you've been waiting for. The bottom two at Panel are Furonda and Nnenna. And, clearly, I know what you're thinking. But you're wrong! And I'm wrong! Because Nnenna goes home! I KNOW! And so we are left with a final five that includes both Jade and Furonda. Wrap your heads around that one. This show is magic.

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To Wong Furonda

Most dramatic! Top Model! Ever! The girls are schooled in the art of traditional Thai dance. Joanie and Jade exchange words, and amidst all the hullabaloo no one seems to notice that Danielle has, like, totally passed out. While Danielle has a brief hospital stay for dehydration, exhaustion, and "a little bit of food poisoning," the rest of the girls must demonstrate their dancing skills in front of an audience and a few judges. Joanie finally wins a challenge, and Furonda continues to win the affections of the international community with her doofusery. The photo shoot for the week involves razors and elephants. Danielle pushes through the pain, Jade stiffens up (and continues her war on the English language), Furonda is gangly and awkward, Joanie comes up with some awesome moves, and Sara gets flak for poorly copying Joanie's awesome moves . At judging, the girls are forced to emote with their bodies, with hilarious results. The photos are actually all pretty good, but in the end it comes down to Furonda and Jade. And like the cockroaches who will survive the nuclear holocaust (but unlike Cher, who also will survive the nuclear holocaust but has the distinction of being awesome), Jade manages to last another week, while Furonda sashays and chantes into obscurity.

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Go-sees? Ah, Phuket.

It's the seasonal go-see episode. The girls head off individually to meet Bangkok designers, and must each travel in a little open cab called a tuk-tuk. There are no huge snafus with the designers (though we see a few mistakes regarding Thai custom), but a giant traffic jam ensures that none of the girls makes her 4:30 return deadline. Danielle would have won the challenge, but since everyone was late, the quite awesome prize of clothing from all of the go-see designers is retracted. If Jade had been the winner, I would have thought this was sweet, sweet justice, but since it is Danielle, I am kind of sad. Joanie talks some sh*t about Sara, particularly around the copying of poses from last week and the fact that modeling isn't really Sara's passion. Sara says about a thousand times that she wants to win as much as anyone and deserves to be there. The girls travel to the tropical paradise of Phuket for an Elle Girl swimwear shoot. Once there, they are given a lesson in recent events from Tyra, who engages them in a moment of silence for the victims of the tsunami that is edited down to a respectful-lite three seconds. Nigel is the photographer for the bikini shoot because he really likes half-naked chicks. While Jade does frustratingly well posing on top of an old, rickety boat that sadly does not float out to sea, Danielle and Sara struggle and thus wind up in the bottom two. The judges tell us that Danielle is there because of her persistent Arkansas accent, but this isn't enough to actually get her sent home, and so Sara must Big Bird herself back to Sesame Street. And yes, this means that Jade is in the final three. Recognize.

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"I'm A Cover Girl, Mommy!"

Final episode madness! Jade, Joanie, and Danielle each get a different script for the penultimate Cover Girl commercial challenge, and have varying success memorizing their mascara-loving lines. Joanie nails it pretty quickly, Danielle continues to have problems with her southern accent, and Jade is a straight fool, per usual. The girls also shoot Cover Girl print ads, all of which look pretty gorgeous. Joanie breezes through to the final two, while Danielle's accent and Jade's attitude land them on the brink of elimination. In the end, Jade is finally sent home, and that howling wind you heard outside of your window was millions of people simultaneously breathing a sigh of relief. Or, breathily laughing at the outfit that Tyra wore at judging. Seriously, you guys. Jade continues to be Jade right to the end, as she snaps her way back to what, for the love of God, I hope can only be classified as obscurity. Joanie and Danielle, who might be my favorite pair of finalists ever, go head to head in the final challenge, which involves walking on a pretty amazing, if relentlessly long, runway. When they go before Panel again, Danielle looks perfectly gorgeous and Joanie looks like she bought a replica of Cher's "Half-Breed" costume on eBay, which was my first clue that Danielle really might have it in the bag. She does, she wins, and she is so sweet about it that I actually got a tiny tear in my eye. Joanie takes her runner-up status with total grace and class. Danielle promises to get a voice coach, and with that, another season comes to an end, bitches.

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