America's Next Top Model

Sister Christian, Oh, The Time Has Come

The new season opens with thirty-three young women arriving at LAX. (For those of you used to Potes and Janice Dickinson, "young women" means "bitches.") They are thrown into an instant photo shoot, and after having their breakfast ruined by the Aswirl Twins, they dive right into their interviews with Tyra and her J-licious cronies. Among the thirty-three are an Indian chick, a pair of twins, a girl abandoned by her mother when she was ten, another girl whose mother died on top of her in a plane crash (I know!), a mother of two with a husband in Iraq, and your usual assortment of beauty queens, strippers, Nubian princesses, and conservative preachers' daughters. A quick cut brings us down to twenty-one. The remaining contestants are given some hair extensions and makeup to apply to themselves in advance of their next photo shoot. The twist, which they learn only after they make their makeup and hair choices, is that it will be a nude photo shoot. A couple of them freak out, but they all pose in the end (although Ginger only sits for two shots). And then the next cut brings us down to thirteen. (And Ginger's not one of them -- you got naked for nothing, sister. I wonder how Jesus feels about that?) The second hour opens with the thirteen finalists being introduced to the designers of Elmer Ave. Thirteen male models strut their stuff, and the girls each have to pick a guy, strip him of his outfit, and make it her own. For most of them, that seems to mean leaving out the pants and walking the runway in their panties. A chick named Melrose is selected as the winner by the Elmer Ave guys, and then the contestants head out to the Top Model house in their ginormous planet-killing SUV. Monique becomes the girl who marks her territory when she pretends to pee on a bed in order to steal it from Eugena (as there are only eleven beds for thirteen contestants). And then we learn that while the girls are pretty (mostly), they're also pigs (mostly) as the house becomes an instant sty. The photo shoot involves the contestants depicting a variety of model stereotypes. Judging is pretty much the same as last season (with all the same judges, but slightly different prizes), and in the end it's the slightly boring Christian who gets sent home.

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I Just Called To Say "I Hate You"

Makeovers! And this time, the makeovers come to the models. Frederick Fekkai sets up shop in the girls' living room, to varying results. Megg gets some whack extensions, Brooke goes dark, the twins go red, Anchal transitions from a twohead to a three-point-five-head, Eugena and CariDee get big hair, Megan goes even more pixie, Melrose goes blonde (and not without some complaining), A.J. looks mostly the same but complains about it anyway, Jaeda cries and cries like a baby en route to a Halle Berry cut, and Monique has a mini-breakdown because nobody's ever seen her without her weave before. Bitch, please. After seven seasons, the Jays are just about through with the whining. I think we can all take a moment, no matter how we feel about Sirs Manuel and Alexander, to sympathize. The girls have perhaps the stupidest challenge ever, which entails getting dolled up in prom gowns and Cover Girl makeup while riding an elevator. Nearly redeeming the challenge is the radiant Queen Latifah, who really sets the standard for closeted celebrities everywhere. Against popular logic, Eugena wins. Monique is disqualified and doesn't get to meet the Queen, and she takes out her anger by spending three and a half consecutive hours on the phone. Everyone hates her, which I'm sure comes as a huge surprise. Eventually it is mild-mannered Anchal who tells her off. Well done! For the week's photo shoot, a team of weaveologists, one of whom is perhaps Stephen Baldwin, gives the girls some dragalicious hair. In the end it is Megan who is sent home, which should be no surprise to those of you familiar with the "first on the phone gets axed" school of editing. Sad times abound.

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The Yellow Hos Of Texas

The girls walk a tightrope -- literally, for runway training with Miss J., and figuratively, as the tension and bitchery between Monique and Melrose continues to escalate. Monique once again opts to slather the discharge of her private parts in close proximity to Melrose, and has garnered a reputation so diabolical that the other girls are afraid (a) she'll cut up all their clothes, or (b) throw lemonade on them in the middle of the night. You had never even imagined such horrors were possible, had you? The girls compete in a walking challenge, which A.J. wins; for her prize, she gets to walk in the Dennis Quaid (no, really) Celebrity Fashion Show in Austin, Texas. Yes, the day has come. Dennis Quaid has appeared on America's Next Top Model. Stock up on bottled water and baked beans, because the end is nigh. A.J. passes over hometown girl Brooke to share in her prize, which is kind of a dick move, but also kind of awesome. Meanwhile, Monique is sick enough to go to the hospital. Or, as they say in England, to hospital. Turns out she was dehydrated. Given how liberal she's been with spreading her fluids around, I'm not surprised. She makes the totally fatal decision to bag the week's runway-based photo shoot in favor of sleep. And speaking of the runway, the show does its best to flip a girl into a pool, and succeeds with Eugena. Well-deserved, I say. Also successful is Caridee's left breast, in its pixilated debut. The girls each have to walk with a fruit bowl on their heads (no, really) for the panel, but in the end it's the nut that's eliminated as Effing Monique goes home! It's kind of a happy moment, but also kind of sad, given that she was pretty great television. And finally, if you missed this episode, I strongly urge you to tune in to the rerun, if only so that you might see the estimable debut of Pastor J. and the Church of Fierce Bitches Singers.

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Super(model) Freak

Everyone does a happy dance now that Monique is gone, but the bad news is that Melrose remains. She spends a good amount of time talking smack about Anchal, who has some serious body image and confidence issues as it is. Anchal feels bad and cries, when she really should just smack a bitch. There is dinner with Twiggy, who doesn't really dispense any useful advice, but manages not to get drunk and traumatize anyone unlike a certain former judge who shall not be named BUT WHO SHALL BE ON NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE!!! YES!!! The girls take a class with a contortionist, and then put their knowledge to use when they serve as living art and model a fashion collection for a designer. Eugena gets her second challenge win and banks $32,000 worth of jewelry. Tyra meets with the girls to talk about their fears, and also to tell a thinly-veiled tale of how mean Naomi Campell was to her. Don't you sometimes wish that cell phones had been more ubiquitous in Tyra's early modeling days? The girls pose as turn-of-the-century circus freaks, and must withstand a number of cumbersome appendages and ugly makeup, with some interesting results. Melrose fortunately rocks her old-lady look, which means that she'll be around for another week. Bearded lady Megg, however, is not so lucky. And that's not very rock n' roll! She is completely gracious when she leaves, and also fills us in on her future plans to be in a two-person band with her friend. And that friend is me, because I totally love Megg.

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A.J. From The Block

So, one of the twins comes out as maybe possibly potentially bi or gay or whatever. I think it's Michelle, but I still can't tell them apart. The girls get lessons from some Entertainment Tonight Ken doll on how to interview people. And then they have to practice their newfound skills on Janice Dickinson. I expected to be thrilled to see her, but she's still dead to me for cutting Andrew on her own show. Man, he was tasty. However, I do love that the girls insult Janice -- Caridee calls her stinky and Brooke calls her bitchy. Truth hurts, doesn't it, Janice? And a bird craps on her. I call that karma. Melrose wins the challenge, because she's the only one with a personality strong enough to stand up to La Janice. Her prize is to do some red-carpet interviewing for ET. We also get the patented Tyra therapy session with each girl. It's as boring as you might expect, although Melrose gets outed as a bitch and Caridee tells us that she once suffered from the heartbreak of psoriasis. Then Michelle comes out to her mom over the phone. (And I love that her mother can't tell the twins apart over the phone). But her mom is pretty great and mostly just tells her daughter how much she loves her. That was sweet. The big photo shoot involves the girls posing twice, once as each half of a celebrity couple (like Brad and Angelina or Oprah and Steadman). Like we need to see more pictures of Britney and K-Fed. The show demonstrates a sense of humor by making Michelle pose as Ellen and Portia. There's a judging challenge, which involves the girls giving commentary over some footage of an ANTM red-carpet event. Caridee, Brooke, and Melrose do fine, but the others all suck. The only really weak picture is A.J.'s, and she ends up going home. And then they announce that she was last week's Cover Girl of the Week. Heh.

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Stay In School, Bitches

This week is all about being sexy. Sexy and scary, sexy and burlesque, and sexy and Fabio-loving. Yes, that's right. First Dennis Quaid, and then Fabio. Perhaps next week will bring Tom Selleck. Tyra gets the girls to pop in vampire contact lenses, and then shoots them in black and white. I guess that's our Halloween present. I was hoping for Mallo Cups. They then meet Ms. Dita Von Teese, who teaches the girls about being sexy with props. This prepares them to walk a dinner-table runway wielding serving dishes. Sexily. The dinner party guests laugh and laugh, because the girls all look ridiculous. Melrose wins the challenge again, but no one calls her any names. Boo. The week's photo shoot has the girls posing for the cover of a romance novel with Mr. Fabio. And if you don't believe in evolution, just take a look at that guy. In the end, Eugena and her stank attitude stay in the competition and poor Brooke learns the lesson that you should stay in school as she is ousted on the night of her high-school graduation.

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Get Outta My Dreams...

This week is all about action and, in some cases, inaction. The girls get a lesson from model/athlete Gabby Reece, who teaches them how to dive in the sand for a volleyball while trying to look remotely graceful and modelesque. The majority of them look pretty stupid, but college volleyball player Jaeda manages to do an okay job, for once. Then it's on to the wild world of Nascar, where the girls have to jump on and pretend to pummel some poor race car driver who is I guess pretty famous in the world of Nascar. No disrespect, but, despite my penchant for country music, I am just not the authority to turn to when it comes to Nascar. Despite poking her stiletto heel into the hood of the car and producing some whack facial expressions, Michelle wins the challenge. She picks Caridee, Amanda, and Melrose to share in her prize, but then is totally punked when a mini-challenge within the prize leads Melrose to win everything. In news that will surprise no one, everyone still hates Melrose and Anchal still has some body and general confidence issues. For their photo shoot of the week, which for some reason involved Cover Girl product in space, the girls go indoor skydiving. This basically involves being blown around by a big fan (under the supervision of an expert, of course, who holds them and prevents them from blowing all the way up into actual space, or at least the top of the indoor skydiving chamber). The results are seriously mixed. Most girls have some trouble keeping their bodies under control, with Caridee in particular flailing around like a fish and almost killing the poor guy holding her. A pretty stupid judging test solidifies the panel's ideas of who is "committed" and "wants" it, and who doesn't, which leads Michelle and Anchal to be in the bottom two. In the end, the twin get to stick around, and Anchal is sent home to eat all the damn eggs she wants to.

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Breaking Down Is Hard to Do

There are six girls left, which means that it's time for acting! Tyra's friend Tasha, the acting coach, once again engages the girls in an activity which is designed to get them to cry and reveal their innermost emotions and darkest secrets. Jaeda reveals the shocking news that she hates her haircut, while Caridee goes deeper and tells the group that she tried to kill herself. Yikes. Their challenge involves filming a silent movie while Tasha yells nonsensical directions at them, and the whole thing quite naturally involves drinking prune juice and eating a lemon. Caridee wins a guest spot on One Tree Hill, and all of the girls get to pack their bags, y'all, because they're going to Spain! Once there, they have to hang out with some Spanish male models, with whom they also have to make out in a Secret commercial whilst speaking Catalan. Jaeda has some problems due to the fact that her male model tells her that he doesn't like black girls. Tough talk for a guy named Nacho. Everyone does pretty badly, except for Melrose, of course. Some of the other girls get on Melrose's case for sucking up to the judges and saying that she studied her lines for two extra hours. Sadly, no one punches her. In the end, the girls with the two most dreadful performances -- Jaeda and Caridee -- are in the final two, with Jaeda being sent back to the U.S., where the streets are paved with weaves.

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A Schlock And Bull Story

Boys! The girls go out with one of the male models from last week, and his friends. Sadly, there is no "You had SEX?!?!," but there is some smooching between Caridee and a Spaniard. Tyra talks to the girls about the harsh criticism they've gotten from the judges, and gives them a pep talk in which she says that, much like Christ Our Savior, she's going to sacrifice herself for them. I don't know what that means, except that Tyra's Oprah-like God Complex is growing. Hey, if Jesus were alive today, he'd totally have a talk show. And pose as part of Chingy's entourage. In other news, it's time for go-sees! As in other seasons, there is a strict time limit and some general confusion in getting from place to place. Eugena and Caridee team up with good results, whereas Amanda and Michelle team up and have no clue what they're doing. They are also late, and thus are disqualified from the challenge. Melrose remains alone, but denies that one is the loneliest number, while also proving herself frustratingly competent once again. She wins the challenge. And then it is time for someone to get maimed. Hooray! The girls have a photo shoot with a real live bull, in which they will be shot by Nigel. Caridee starts the day off well by asking Nigel if a stick he is holding was removed from his ass after the last judging. She apologizes, but he still seems pretty mad. At Panel, the girls have to tell the judges who they think has the most and least potential. Michelle breaks down and confesses that she might be the one with the least potential, in part because she doesn't know what she wants. Caridee reads a letter of thanks to the judges, which does not erase the memory of her bullish blunder. In the end, however, it comes down to Amanda and Michelle. I know! Cruelty. And then, quite sadly, it is Miss Michelle who goes home, because she doesn't want it, feel it, breathe it, or love it as much as her sister does. And in the end, she actually looks quite relieved about the whole thing.

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Water, Water Everywhere

Okay, first of all, Amanda is kind of not sad at all that Michelle is gone, despite anything she might say. Also, everyone knows that Michelle saved Amanda's ass. In any case, it is dancing week, and everyone still hates Melrose. They hate her when she's fakeity-fake (which is most of the time), they hate her when she's talking to Miss J. at dinner, they hate her when she's eating cereal, they hate her when she's in a flamenco dress. And speaking of, the girls get all dolled up for their challenge and have to flamenco dance with a Spanish partner. If only they had had to do Lambada, the Forbidden Dance. That might be worth watching. Eugena is the best dancer and wins, and Melrose totally has a mini-breakdown about it. The other girls hate her for this too. And seriously, shut up, Melrose. In the week's photo shoot, the girls have to pose together while floating in a pool. The first pairing of Eugena and Melrose do okay, though Eugena is not so much of a floater. The additional totally manufactured complication is that, even though it appears to be summer in Spain, the pool is freezing. Nice. Tyra is on set to direct the girls but totally doesn't care about their discomfort, probably because she had a lackey fill the pool with ice -- or her cold, cold heart -- prior to the shoot. When it's Amanda and Caridee's turn, Caridee reaches the point of hypothermia and has to stop. Nice. This means that Amanda gets about fifty frames by herself. They don't help, though, and it's back-to-back twin elimination weeks for us. Yes, this means that we get Caridee, Eugena, and Melrose in the final three. Stop sounding so excited. Meanwhile, the latest Top Model unionization scandal has Tyra's makeup artists going on strike, or at least that's what one might surmise given her appearance at judging.

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Battle Of The Blands

Finale week! It's basically more of the same, with one addition: ghost brides. The traditional Cover Girl commercial filming slash photo shoot brings out the freaky perfectionist in Melrose, the personality in Eugena, and the forty-year-old in Caridee. Seriously, she looks really mature in her photo. Despite actually doing really, really well, Eugena is the first to go, under the oft-favored premise of not wanting it enough. This means that Melrose and Caridee are in the final two. They prepare for and participate in a runway show in which they must look and act like ghost brides. Yeah, you actually read "ghost brides." In some sort of cave-like environment. You know that a show has really given up even the smallest pretense of legitimacy when it holds its ghost brides-themed final runway show in a cave. There's some nonsense about Caridee stepping on the train of Melrose's dress, and Melrose freaking out, but it doesn't lead to blood on the runway, so it is of fundamentally no use to us. In the end, despite doing really, really poorly on the ghost brides runway, Caridee wins not only the designation of being America's Next Top Model, but the final battle over the psoriasis that held her down for so long. Everyone loves a redemption story. And I mean, you didn't actually think Melrose had a shot, did you?

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