America's Next Top Model

The Girl Who Is Just Kind Of Dumb

The show that makes you feel like the President of MENSA is back, baby. It's audition time, and bitches abound. These include a mail-order bride, a human ink blotter, someone with a repossessed weave, two fatties, a dentist, and at least three of the original cast members of Paris Is Burning. There are a lot of girls at first, then fewer, then thirteen. The majority of them appear to be f'ing nuts. For their first photo shoot, the girls must pose in a politically-themed shoot, and non-controversial entity Nigel Barker does the photography honors. Punky whackjob Jael is sick, until she benefits from the healing power of a hula hoop. Kathleen is just...well, let's just say that the wattage from the light socket she stuck her finger in totally bypassed the brainial area. After the photo shoot, it's on to the Goodwill, where the girls perform in a charity runway show, with proceeds going to the "vocationally challenged." I guess this means Miss J. will get the whopping $286 they raised. Jael wins the challenge, predictably because the audience the production crew wrangled from the methadone clinic next door can relate to her most. Meanwhile, Maui-based mom Renee shows her bitchy side, and braggy Sarah earns the ire of many. At judging, Jaslene (whom you may remember from being batshit crazy and relentlessly jowly from last season's auditions) does surprisingly well. Most of the other photos are so-so. In the end, we come down to the heretofore mentioned remarkably dumb Kathleen (who opines that it's okay to take the fur of animals for coats if they've died of natural causes in the jungle, because animals die of natural causes sometimes, don't they? Yeah, I'll take that chinchilla with the tire tracks on the back) and also relatively dumb Jael, who doesn't enjoy winning challenges because maybe people won't like her then. In the end, Tyra and Co. decide that a two-hour premiere episode will probably provide a sufficient campaign against fetal alcohol syndrome, and so they send Kathleen home. That banging sound you hear? Yeah, she's still trying to find her way out of the judging room.

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The Girl Who Is Way Too Nice

It's Week 2. The heels get higher, and the bitches get bitchier. The girls head back to high school for both their challenge and their photo shoot. First, Ms. J. gives them a walking lesson on the high-school track. The girls must march individually, and then in choreographed threesomes. And not that kind of threesome, as much as Natasha's mail-order husband was looking forward to it. Speaking of Natasha, her tenuous grasp on the English language comes to the forefront, as Ms. J.'s comment about her marching translates into her thinking that she looks like a Martian. The girls must take their newly learned skills as well as their choreographed threesome routine into the high-school gym, where they walk in a prom-themed runway show for an audience of high-school students. Fashion! While Sarah's dress goes by the wayside in the "ghetto fabulous" segment of the show and her boy-chest is exposed to impressionable teens, Brittany rocks the basketball court and wins the challenge. Meanwhile, Jaslene -- who is a bit of a braggart when it comes to her runway skills -- actually does the worst, sending her down the path of a mild nervous breakdown. The other girls don't have much tolerance for her pouting, and she and Felicia get into a bit of a tiff. The photo shoot sees the girls going back to high school and posing as high school clichs. Renee struggles as class clown, but of course thinks that she can do better than every other girl on every other shoot, and pouts about how unfair the whole situation is. Jaslene redeems herself by rocking her Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club weirdo shot, while Natasha has trouble understanding the concept of "teacher's pet," and poor, innocent Samantha struggles to be the class ho. Speaking of Samantha, her generally reserved demeanor is causing some problems for her in the house, and she feels both lonely and too polite for the rest of the crew, including the free-to-be-naked-at-all-times Jael. In the end, Samantha faces off against Natasha in the bottom two. And, as you might suspect, a season's worth of broken English is just too valuable a commodity to let go of so soon, and Samantha is sent back to Alabama.

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The Girl Who Was Filler

It's the third episode of the season, and you know what that means. Makeover time! Tyra makes a lot of fun of the whiny girls from past seasons, and then gets a big chunk of her weave cut off with hedge clippers. Would that Ms. J. had accidentally slipped just a little. An expos on a hedge clipper styling accident is just what Tyra needs to push her talk show to the next level. As usual, some of the makeovers are good, some are bad, some girls are happy, and some aren't. Poor Jael spends eight hours getting a weave only to have Tyra decide that it's not working and take it out. Jael gets pretty much all of her hair cut off. As if this wasn't enough to deal with, she gets a call and learns that a friend has overdosed and died. Guess that puts the whole hair thing in perspective. Meanwhile, back at the house, Brittany is annoying everyone with her constant crying. Her weave hurts, wah wah wah. Be glad those hedge clippers didn't take off your ear! Whitney summons the courage of a nation and slaps her up, gives her the deuces, and walks away. Despite the whining and some digestive problems, Brittany wins the challenge for the week (which involves Cover Girl makeup, of course), and has as a prize a spread in Seventeen. She picks Jael and Sarah to share in her good fortune. Later on, she has some drama with Renee, and Renee actually gives her the finger, which is so trashy and awesome. The photo shoot for the week literally puts the girls in a sticky situation as they are nude but for candy, sauces, and ice cream covering their bodies. That seems so unsanitary. Brittany once again whines about the naked part, but eventually gets over it and turns it out. She gets lots of raves on her photo, to the chagrin of many. In the end, we are left with Cassandra and Diana, and despite the fact that she's boring, Diana is spared for at least one more week.

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The Girl Who Causes As Much Sorrow Dead

Okay, so you know how I always make Paris Is Burning references because so many of the girls look like transvestites? Well, this time it's totally legit, because Benny Ninja, of the House of Ninja, makes a visit to teach the girls how to pose and vogue. The girls have to show their catlike agility and posing skills while slinking through a crazy maze of lasers. Trust me when I tell you that it's hilarious. Whitney wins the challenge, and a $40,000 bracelet to boot. Meanwhile, Renee renounces bitchery...or does she? She all of a sudden gets much nicer to her former rivals, but there is some question as to whether it's genuine. After getting disqualified in the crazy maze of lasers challenge, Renee goes back to being her rank self. She calls her husband and asks him to come get her and take her home, and says that she can't stand the other girls and that she's going to beat them down. And of course it's someone else's turn for the phone. And her husband doesn't actually come to get her. The other girls are wary of Renee, which is as it should be. In a special Law & Order-inspired photo shoot, the girls play crime scene corpses. Which, of course, is awesome for Jael, whose friend just died. Interestingly enough, the girls all look better with head wounds painted on to them. Tyra could use some of this magic, since she looks like a prize-winning eggplant at judging. Rancid Renee does a great job and redeems herself, at least in the judges' eyes, and in the end, Dionne and Felicia wind up in the bottom two. The dentist is safe for yet another week as The Great Eggplant speaks and sends cute little Felicia home.

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The Girl Who Neglected To Be Jolly

We start off this episode by getting a little glimpse into Natasha's relationship with her husband via their phone conversation. Apparently, it involves some purring. Yeah, I don't know. Oh, and a kid! Or a puppy that sounds like a baby, maybe? I'm not sure, because I stuck my fingers in my ears during the early sexy-talk, and kind of forgot to take them out. The other girls kind of figure out the mail-order bride thing and think it's creepy. Natasha feels like they're picking on her, and gets upset. In other house drama, Renee pisses off Whitney and Diana with her insensitive remarks about plus-sized models. The girls meet with the director of Elite, who gives them a quick lesson in outfitting themselves in model-appropriate clothes. A pair of modeling twin brothers test them on their learning by having them team up to create store window displays that feature them wearing clothes from The House of Sears. The combo of Natasha, Jael, and Whitney would have won, but a minor violation of the rules gets them disqualified. Thus, Sarah, Renee, and Dionne claim victory. Sarah gets the individual prize for putting together the best look, and takes total credit even though Dionne actually chose her outfit. The shoot for the week -- and I am totally serious about this -- requires the girls to go transgender, with drag queen partners. Sometimes I feel like I dreamed this season. Sarah's bad-ass prize is to shoot her film, then take a look at it with Jay and see what she's doing right and wrong, and then re-shoot the whole thing. This quite possibly saves her, since her first round of photos weren't so stellar. Jay questions Diana's desire and passion to be America's Next Top Model, which makes her break down. In the end, Natasha excels and ends up getting her photo first. Sadly for those who like big-bottomed women, Diana and Whitney have a plus-sized face-off in the bottom two, with the bland Diana getting sent home.

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The Girl Wholahay

So, this episode can be summed up in just one word: Wholahay. Let me explain. The girls meet up with Twiggy and special guest Melrose to talk about how shunning your normal, boring name can give you a leg up in the modeling industry. Thus, each girl has to make up a fierce, fabulous name. And Dionne? Picks "Wholahay." Her reign of awesomeness truly can never be challenged. Under their alter egos, the girls attend a party featuring such famous personages as Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and 50 Cent. Also in attendance is supermodel supermanager Benny Medina, along with the rest of Tyra's representation and, quite mysteriously, Beverly Johnson. Each of the girls has to meet with Benny & Co and try to make a good impression. Wholahay starts crying when she mentions her child. Who knew she had a child? Wholahay, that's who. Lahay. While all this is going on, Jael seriously annoys 50 Cent and he totally pushes her into the pool. Inexplicably, Natasha jumps in after her. Maybe she was a lifeguard before she immigrated to the U.S.? In any case, Benny Medina is not impressed when they come in to meet him and are soaking wet. The girls have an audience with Paris and Nicole, and Nicole totally starts some shit between Renee and Jael. Granted, this isn't a hard task, given that Renee totally told her that Jael was a bitch and she hated her. Once they're back in the house, Jael gives Renee a much-deserved verbal beatdown. It's for all the sistahs, really. The photo shoot for the week entails the girls showing four different sides of their personalities. They get to do their own styling, too, with mixed results. Jaslene, who is totally growing on me and has been looking kind of pretty, chooses "drag queen" as one of her personalities, which I find wonderfully self-aware. Meanwhile, who do you think won the party challenge? Wholahay, that's who. Lahay. (I could really go on like this all night.) She, along with friends Whitney and Jaslene, gets to pose in a Keds ad. And then, the episode we are interrupted by a very special episode of the Typrah Winbanks Show. Typrah has the girls embark on some self-discovery, and everyone admits that they hate Renee. So Typrah totally has Renee sit by her, and then they go around and the girls all say what Renee has done that's evil/bitch/hurtful to them. I know! Awesome. Everyone agrees that Renee has some issues. The other big news is that they're finally going to do something with poor Brittany's weave, thank Who. At panel, Jael's escapades in the pool don't come back to haunt her, and she is actually called first. Sarah and Whitney end up in the bottom two, with pose-y Sarah finally being kicked to the curb. Who could have predicted it? I think you know the answer to that.

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The Girl Who's Not No F***ing Lesbo

And we have reached the point in the season when it is time for...acting! The girls head to a theater, where they meet one of the twins who had a show about being twins but aren't the Olsens who now, quite coincidentally, stars on a CW show. They have to wear crazy hats. Because acting is about crazy hats! Acting! They get two hours to memorize some dialogue, and then have to share the stage with none other than Efren "Pedro" Ramirez. There are no classic moments in the vein of "illsnesses," but, as usual, the acting challenge is always good for a laugh. Renee gets a challenge victory to go with her (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-oooh) new at-ti-tude, and picks Dionne to share in the prize. And I mean, really, who is Renee going to pick after the girls all said they hated her? Six of one, you know? Renee and Dionne think that they have won t-shirts, but in fact their real prize comes later as they receive visits from their families, including their kids. This warms the cockles of practically everyone's heart, including mine, but it also has the effect of making Natasha miss her baby even more. Sad times seem even sadder when they are presented in broken English. The photo shoot for the week brings back girls from past seasons who engage in recreation of scandalous moments -- you know, "Bitch stole my granola bars," "Flesheating bacteria," "Hey, twins!" etc. Everything seems to be going well until Dionne has to get a little freaky in the back of a limo with Season 5's Kim. The words "f***ing lesbo" come into play, and for a while I was afraid that the good will engendered by "Wholahay" would be lost entirely. However, Dionne eventually admits that she kind of dug it, and wins back some points. Her photo is also awesome, and she, Natasha, and Brittany pull ahead of the pack. It's a sad day for Whitney the unphotogenic and Jael the speech-impaired, however, as they land in the bottom two. In the end, the third (fourth? I've lost count...) time in the bottom two is the charm for Whitney, and she's finally sent home with only Brittany's discarded weave to dry her tears.

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The Girl Who Can Hear, But Not Remember, The Thunder

It's time for the girls to pack their bags, y'all, because they're going to Sydney, Australia! Can you hear, can you hear the thunder? It's almost as loud as the sound of Tyra's wig falling off when she emerges from a kangaroo costume. I guess you had to be there. Anyway, the girls get a lesson in interviewing techniques from Season 2's April and her friend, who shall be called Small Fry. They get to put those skills, such as they are, to use when they are challenged to interview Sydney locals about American fashion faux pas while throwing in a healthy heaping of Aussie slang. The winner gets to serve as a correspondent on The Tyra Banks Show. And it is...Natasha! She rules the challenge as well as the Cover Girl commercial shoot, which takes the place of a photo shoot this week. The girls have to speak with an Australian accent in the commercial, and Renee uses the opportunity to give Steve Irwin an easy, breezy, beautiful eulogy of sorts. Dionne and Jaslene are somewhat middling. Jaslene, at the very least, gets through her lines without cue cards, but displays an unsettling amount of frown lines. Jael is predictably not the greatest, and Brittany also has a difficult time, due in part to a car accident that left her with eight staples in her head and a compromised short-term memory. I know! Top Model is really rolling out the tragedies this year, isn't it? In any case, the judges feel a little bit bad for Brittany, but agree that she has to figure out a way to get the job done and/or toughen up a bit, so she lands in the bottom two. However, much to Twiggy's endless delight, it is Jael's turn to go home and leave the rest of us unprotected against the evil ducks of the universe.

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The Girl Who Freaked the Hell Out

It's time for go-sees, Sydney-style! The girls are sent off with a map, some addresses, and a cab. And, of course, a drop-dead deadline for being back to the agency where they started. Renee, Jaslene, and Natasha are generally impressive to the designers, while Dionne is impressive to me for the way she wrangles some free clothes. And then, there is Brittany. She seems to have a hard time actually finding her destinations, even when she's on the right street, and fails to impress even one of the designers. She tries to squeeze in one last go-see when, as any good student of ANTMs past could tell you, she should have hoofed it back to the agency, and when her cab driver fails to read her mind, she fails to make her deadline. And then, she goes ape-sh**. She cries, throws her portfolio, and uses almost continuous expletives to describe her cab driver, and the best part is that everyone who DID make it on time and is inside of the agency -- including the agency's director -- can totally hear her. Natasha was one minute late and also disqualified, but handles it all in style. Jaslene ends up winning the challenge, and she and Dionne get a bonus shoot at the top of the Sydney Harbor Bridge. The photo shoot for the week is two-fold: the girls have to pose in bathing suits with a male model first for a "soft/sexy" shoot that would appear in a women's magazine (photographed by Tyra), and then pose for a "just plain sexy/ho-style" shoot for a men's magazine. For the most part the girls do well, though Dionne gets a lot of criticism for looking mean. At judging, Jaslene, Natasha and Renee jump to the head of the pack. Dionne's struggles at the photo shoot put her in the bottom two. But though Brittany's photos are great, as usual, personality deficiency coupled with the fact that not one of the go-see designers said that they would book her puts her in the bottom two again, and she goes home. Luckily, tomorrow she won't even remember she was on the show at all.

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The Girl Whom Everyone Suddenly Hates

Noooooooooooooooooooo! Okay, wait, let me back up. So, the four remaining girls have to venture into the forest. Natasha does so in wedge heels, and the other girls mock and malign her for this, because they hate her and everything she does. But more about this later. In keeping with Aboriginal tradition, they must incorporate body art, storytelling, and dance in expressing their own stories. Renee talks about past abuse, Jaslene makes no damn sense, Dionne has stuff about her family, and Natasha speaks so quietly that no one can hear her. This great strategy doesn't pay off so well, and Renee wins the challenge. She and Jaslene, whom she has chosen to share in her prize, get some pearls. Oh, and Dionne is strangely a descendent of John Lithgow in Footloose, and she wants to banish dancing from her own life if not the entire continent of Australia. The girls want to blow off some steam, so they decide to go out. Natasha foregoes this opportunity for female bonding because she is hella-sick. So, of course, the other three talk a lot of sh** about her. They really, really don't like her. Her sketchy marital situation comes up, along with the fact that she seems awfully fake. Meanwhile, Natasha is home with a fever and the stuffed nose. It just doesn't seem right. The photo shoot for the week involves more dancing and posing inspired by Aboriginal legends, and while Renee excels, the other girls struggle a bit. Dionne still can't get her face right, and Natasha is, as Jay says, "missssssssssssssserable." At panel, the news that she was sick doesn't really fly with the judges, because Tyra once had snot coming out of every orifice and STILL managed to turn it out, etc. etc. The girls have the annual "Which girl has the most potential? Which girl has the least potential?" quiz, and Dionne has obviously never seen this show before, because she doesn't choose herself in the most potential category. Also of note, Dionne, Renee, and Jaslene all pick Natasha as having the least potential. Twiggy passes this off as jealousy, but nonetheless Natasha ends up in the final two with Dionne. And then -- oh, I can barely repeat what happened, but I must -- Dionne goes home. Say it with me now: What the hay-ell? You are lying! So, ladies and gentlemen, and flamboyant gentlemen, Natasha, Jaslene, and Renee are your final three. You have one week to get used to it.

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The Girl Who...Wait, Seriously?

Oh my God, SHUT UP! No, no, not you. You keep screaming, "Oh my God, seriously?" with the rest of the world. So, okay, let me go back to the beginning. The Top Model finale remains mostly formulaic, with a few changes. Change #1: instead of filming a Cover Girl commercial and a Cover Girl ad, the final three contestants each film a My Life as a Cover Girl commercial and a Cover Girl ad. Change #2: the girls have to ad lib their lines in the commercial. This leads to predictably hilarious results for Natasha, who is amusingly incoherent on the best of days. Jaslene tries to fierce it up by throwing in a line in Spanish, and Renee scars her poor child for life. Again. The ads are all pretty good, though. And then, when Tyra had told us to expect the unexpected she totally meant it, because Renee, whom I had totally pegged as the winner, gets eliminated. Yes, this means that Jaslene and Natasha are in the final two. I like to be in America, okay by me in America, everywhere around the world, they're coming to America, etc. The land of opportunity never seemed so anorexic. So, Jaslene and Natasha get to stomp to the death in a final runway show for Australian designers Sass & Bide. Caridee is there. The theme is "evolution." So the girls have to start off walking like early man -- which, nobody ever looked that fierce in Clan Of The Cave Bear! And eventually they get more and more upright and less hairy. Except in the case of Jaslene. Natasha starts off strong and even manages to work it when her skirt falls off. However, she loses a little momentum at the end. Jaslene, on the other hand, starts off on the weaker side and gets better as the show progresses. And then, this thing happens that I don't even know how to describe. Okay, here goes: JASLENE WINS. And while I would never, ever have predicted that at the beginning of this season, or at the beginning of last season, or ever in the history of testosterone, good on her. In celebration, get your marshmallows ready for toasting, porque Paris quema.

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