America's Next Top Model

The Fug Boat

Bitches ahoy! We begin the Top Model premiere, as we often do, with the thirty-three semifinalists. This year, they bypass the customary L.A. visit and instead fly to San Juan, where one Miss J. Alexander does his best Captain Stubing imitation and informs them that the semifinals will take place on a giant cruise ship. Okay, so maybe he was a little more Cruise Director Julie than Captain Stubing. You get the drift. After Tyra attempts to revive her singing career showgirl-style, the girls partake in an impromptu runway show on the lido deck, to the endless delight of the other passengers, minus the ones who really wanted a good view of the shuffleboard game. We have some real characters this year, many of whom actually have different afflictions than the contestants in seasons past. At the top of that list is Heather, a self-described insecure nerd girl with a Quasimodo hunch, who has Asperger's syndrome, a mild form of autism. There is also Marvita, a Grace Jones look-alike from Alaska who has had tons of childhood trauma that Tyra of course makes her talk about to the discomfort of everyone. Victoria goes to Yale, which is affliction enough. Janet is a bikini waxer. Which, ditto. Jennifer from Walpole (represent!) has a ferocious Massachusetts accent and is blind in one eye, Lisa spent years in foster care and is now a "bikini dancer," Ebony is a bitch with a heart of mush whose mom was a crack addict, and Spontaniouse is named Spontaniouse. Aside from Victoria getting a little pukey on the ship and some bitchiness involving Ebony, there really isn't much drama at all. What I wouldn't give for a little rum punch in someone's weave. The girls meet Season 8 winner Jaslene on a beach in Antigua, and have their first photo shoot (in swimwear, natch). Thirteen girls get cut, and actually have to stand at the port and watch the ship sail away without them, like so many dreams deferred. Tyra and the Jays deliberate further about who is model material, and we end up with our final thirteen: Mila, Bianca, Jenah, Chantal, Ambreal, Victoria, Sarah, Saleisha, Kimberly, Ebony, Janet, Heather, Lisa. Marvita has been through so much shit in her life that she's all, "Whatevs, life isn't about getting what you want," and doesn't cry like the other punk-ass girls. Everyone else is, well, a punk-ass, and lots of tears are shed. Next week: Iceberg!

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Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

The thirteen finalists make their way to their new house in their new, environmentally green vehicle. Tyra has apparently decided that this season is all about modeling with a message, and the first message is that, like, bad stuff is happening to the earth that is making it more worser and stuff. To that end, look for Al Gore to be a guest panelist in Episode Five. The second message has to do with smoking. Smoking, in case you haven't heard, is really bad for you. The girls do a double shoot in which they look all pretty and smoky on one side, but their reflection in a mirror shows them suffering from many of the medical ills or side effects that result from smoking. This means that we see girls variously sporting a tracheotomy hole, a face tumor, and burns all over the face, among other afflictions. And, you know, I get the whole "debatable beauty" bit, but I would bet you $20,000 that you are certainly not going to see a tracheotomy hole in a Chanel ad. Mila thinks that her lack of hair from chemotherapy is a riot. It is, if you're an idiot. After the shoot, Bianca and Lisa get into a bit of a row, which reaches its peak when Bianca brings up the fact that America's Next Top Model might not give lap dances in a bikini. The two make shaky amends later, but Bianca admits to us that she only pretended to be cool so that her nasty behavior wouldn't come up at panel. Bee. Yotch. Saleisha wins points for having the best personal style in an Old Navy clothing challenge, and her prizes include an appearance in an Old Navy ad and a $1,000 shopping spree at the store. That will buy approximately 20,000 pairs of ill-fitting pants. Heather's social awkwardness comes into play as she feels like a bit of an outcast, and no wonder, as a lot of the girls talk about how weird she is behind her back. I have to say that seeing her sad made me really sad. She seems like a nice girl. She sticks it to the other bitches, though, when she's called first at panel! Woo! Ebony, meanwhile, is totally not a bitch! She tries to keep it cool so the other girls don't hate her, and ends up sort of screwing herself modeling-wise in the process. You know, because she's so closed off! She lands in the bottom two with Mila. Happily, the bubblehead is burst, and Mila is sent home. Meanwhile, Tyra announces that it's a non-smoking season! Ostensibly, this is because she's taking a stand for health, but I'm sure the fact that it's going to make some folks go from fun-bitch to bitch-bitch doesn't hurt either.

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Rock-a-Bye Bitches

This week's show is all about runway and rock climbing, which I find to be a refreshing alternative to face tumors and stillborn babies. The girls enter what appears to be a really spooky building brimming with the supernatural, and learn that they are actually in Nurse J.'s Fashion Madhouse. Sadly, there are no ghosts. But the girls do get a walking lesson as they outfit themselves in straitjackets and heels and prance down a deserted hall that was once inhabited by mental patients (insert Vincent Price "Thriller" laugh here). Bianca, unsurprisingly, feels quite at home in her straitjacket. Speaking of Bianca, she really is having trouble making friends as she and Saleisha, who is this week's Lisa, get into a weird fight that has its origin in Saleisha being a little annoying about all the modeling experience she has. Bianca calls Saleisha borderline plus-size and tells her to check out her thighs in the mirror, which is really the perfect ending to any argument. Look for Hillary Clinton to swipe this in the democratic presidential debates. Roy Campbell of fabulous ghetto fashion shows past and designer Colleen Quen lead the girls through their challenge -- a real live couture fashion show! With an actual audience! That isn't composed of shoppers from the Salvation Army! Saleisha is declared the winner, and gets to walk the runway in Colleen Quen's debut Paris fashion week show. Bianca is FUMING. The photo shoot for the week involves a rock-climbing wall, edgy makeup, and lots of leggings. Heather impresses everyone, as does Jenah. Ebony still has trouble getting her groove, and Bianca impresses Tyra but not the rest of the judges. She lands in the final two along with Kimberly, who anyone who has seen this show twice could tell was going home within the first minute of the episode. Kimberly has only the fact that Tyra has a weird fetish about her ears to get her through the long, dark night of being the second girl booted. Meanwhile, Victoria is totally gunning for Twiggy, and the judges know it.

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Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

It's makeover time! And with it come all the questionable color choices, tears, and bad weaves that you've grown to expect. While some of the girls, and particularly Heather, stay pretty much the same, Jenah gets the rat-weaved albino treatment, Saleisha gets a Louise Brooks bob that looks like a puffy Dorothy Hamill Halloween wig, and Ebony has the weave that was rubber-cemented to her forehead removed and replaced with a long Naomi Campbell 'do. And then there's Bianca. She's slated to go blonde, but her hair has such damage that Jay decides to shave it all off instead and give her a wig to use at her leisure. This is the beginning of Bianca's high-fashion ass-whoopin', as she is depressed and feels ugly for some time, resulting in a distinct lack of conflict in the house. Really, though, she looks so much better with no hair, I can't even tell you. The girls endure a makeup challenge facilitated by Nigel's wife, which Sarah wins. She also does well at this week's photo shoot, which has the girls made up to look like various flowers. Despite her weave, Jenah prevails once again with a really awesome shot. Heather also overcomes her Elphaba-green makeup and gets in a great shot as a weed. Chantal gets the easy assignment of being baby's breath, but actually turns into a baby when Jay and the photographer give her conflicting advice. Ebony has a great photo, but her stiff demeanor at judging concerns the panel. Her personality flaws, however, are nothing compared to Victoria, who takes umbrage when Twiggy calls her prickly. Much like her celebrity twin, Tom Petty, Twiggy won't back down and Victoria learns the hard way that you just don't mess with the Twigs. After landing in the bottom two with Saleisha, Victoria is sent home. If you're like me, it will also give you great pleasure to note that this doesn't seem to dismay her one bit.

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High Flying, Unadored

This week is all about trying to kill the girls, to which I say, tally ho! Apparent new regular Benny Ninja is at the helm of two-thirds of the attempts, the first being when he teaches them about posing with movement on a trampoline. Isn't the trampoline at least as dangerous as horseshoes, by which I mean hasn't it been outlawed yet? Ebony and Heather narrowly escape injury, while Ambreal apparently is a natural at bouncing and emoting. In the midst of all this, Janet is our prime narrator and interviewee, which is of course the certain kiss of death. She briefly establishes herself as the "mama" of the house, and as such harps about how the place is such a pigsty and practices her runway walking instead of practicing running naked through the house, as several of the other girls do. The second death attempt sees the girls posing not only in the air but on the ice, as celebrated pairs ice-skater or -dancer Lloyd Eisler gives them a little flip action while Benny Ninja yells out one of three emotions. Lisa wins over the judges with her in-air-on-ice depiction of "sorrow," despite the fact that the other girls thought she sucked, and wins the chance to be in an ad in Seventeen along with Season 6 winner and challenge judge Dani, nee Danielle. She picks Janet and Ebony to partake in the prize with her. When they return from their day of shooting, Lisa encounters a whole load of stank from several of the other girls. And where stank is involved, you will most certainly find Bianca, who interrupts Lisa's tale of how fun the day was by asking her if her makeup is causing her to break out. Sure, it's cruel in a casual sort of way, but I'm really just glad to see she has her spirit back. Our final death attempt occurs at the week's shoot, which takes place atop a high building and sees the girls posing as high-fashion gargoyles. If you're skeptical about how this differs from their everyday looks, you're not alone. Ambreal is seriously afraid of heights, but manages to pull through and get the shoot done. Ebony and Bianca both really turn it out, while Janet is preoccupied with the exposure of her white granny bloomers. In the end, it is Janet and Ambreal in the final two, with Mama Hot Wax getting sent back to Georgia. The greatest part about Janet's elimination is that Tyra can barely muster up any enthusiasm and gives her a half-hearted "I hope you continue to try to be a model" as a goodbye. My guess is that this terse send-off is a result of some particularly nasty ingrown hairs from the last Brazilian.

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Reuse, Renew, Reject

This week is all about spokesmodeling and recyclable materials. Two great tastes that taste great together, I always like to say. Model Tyson Beckford comes to the house and makes the girls serve as spokesmodels for items from the kitchen. The word "moist" is used much too much for my liking. Tyson takes a bite out of Ambreal's mango, and that is not a euphemism. Heather drops the Asperger's act long enough to ride Tyson's jock for a little while and to look especially pretty and not at all awkward throughout the episode. The girls then put their spokesmodel skills to use as they divide into teams of three and create PSAs for Keep A Child Alive, the organization behind the "I am African" ads. Everyone kind of effs up, and Heather, Jenah, and Ambreal win, somewhat inexplicably. While Jenah and Ambreal get gift baskets, Heather is randomly drawn to do a photo shoot for beauty product company Carol's Daughter. The shoot is photographed by Matthew Rolston and art directed by Mary J. Blige, but the extent of Mary J.'s art directing seems to be the suggestion that Heather get a tan. I guess she took the whole "no more drama" thing to heart. Nonetheless, she's really nice to Heather and even begrudgingly lets Heather hug her. In a little closet slumber party, Ebony shocks the other girls by telling them she wants to go home. She means it, yo. The week's photo shoot is all about high-fashion recycling, which luckily does not mean that anyone has to wear Tyra's old Victoria's Secret shelf bralette. Rather, they each are representing a recyclable material. Heather, as aluminum cans, goes face-on to prove herself to the judges. Saleisha, quite hilariously, is "car parts." Bianca has learned to smile with her eyes, which gets big ups from Jay and the panel, while Ambreal has apparently forgotten how to model. At panel, Nigel wears one of Miss J.'s old fros, which is at least better than wearing one of Miss J.'s old jock straps. Unsurprisingly, it's Ebony and Ambreal in the final two. However...shocker! Tyra hands Ebony a photo, but Ebony tells her she doesn't want to be there. Tyra gives a self-righteous speech about quitters before turning everything around so that it was fate that Ambreal stayed in the competition. We end the episode with a bit from Ebony's casting video, which is I guess supposed to prove that she was a big waste of time, but really just demonstrates how much the show broke her spirit. -duuuuuuuun -- an emotionally even-keeled person. It's a monster! A MOOOONSTER!

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Reality Television Pseudo-Fame Costs

This week is all about modeling in front of a moving camera -- i.e., how to be a video ho. Or, according to teacher Tyra, a video model. Her master class sees the girls wearing nude leotards, much to the chagrin of retinas everywhere, and she imparts several important lessons to keep you on the correct side of the model/ho line. To wit, when you slide down a wall, your legs should be more or less closed, and when you crawl across the floor, you slide your knees rather than pick them up. It is a line as thin as one fine hair from Tyra's wig, but we have no choice but to go with it. There are a few recurring themes throughout the episode. The first is that Bianca really likes to talk trash about Heather. Her basic issue is that people baby Heather, and even the judges cut her a lot of slack and hold back on their criticism of her. Like all of Bianca's verbalizations, it's stank with a grain of truth. The second theme is that Chantal thinks she's really, really awesome. I mean, she thinks she's even awesomer than she previously told us, which is kind of hard to believe. The third theme is that this show has totally given Sarah body image issues. She's really down on herself, and feels too fat and too thin all at once. The girls get to put all of their new knowledge to use when they partake in a video shoot for Enrique Iglesias's new single. Lisa gets picked for a little feature bit, to the disappointment of the others. It's apparently because she's really tall and has the right look, and has nothing to do with any stripper skills she picked up along the way, because that would be ho-ish. The video's vampire theme also favors Heather, and so she gets a featured part as well. However, it all proves to be a bit too much for her, and after being on the hot and sweaty shoot all day with no food, she briefly passes out and requires some on-set medical attention. Some oxygen and a banana later, she's good to go. At panel, Lisa and Heather get kudos for their work, Ambreal is in the middle, much to her delight, and Jenah learns the lesson that she's not always perfect. However, it's Chantal and Sarah who are in the final two, with Sarah sent home to deal with her newfound eating disorder on her own.

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Just Let The Bitch In The Shower, Already

This week, Top Model tries to fool you into thinking you're actually watching the Project Runway premiere as the girls find themselves becoming muses for fashion design students. Each girl has a Bea Arthur-approved powder blue '80s suit that is turned into a fashion-forward garment inspired by her personality. The girls then participate in a runway show in which they have to model said garment in front of a small audience and give a three-sentence speech about what makes them so muse-like. In what I'm sure is a huge shock, Heather has some problems with speaking in front of people, and it really gets her down. Back at home, she takes out her frustrations on the rest of the girls when she calls the shower first, but Saleisha and Lisa dart in before her. Likely traumatized by the time Bianca cut in line for the phone, Heather decides to take a stand. The real mystery here is why everyone showers together and/or hangs out in the bathroom while other people are showering. It's like a Porky's 3 fantasy. Let's hope Heather doesn't drop the soap. In the end, Heather kind of goes off, and the other girls are a little freaked out by her, and also a little tired of her. I myself am tired of hearing the word "fustrated." The photo shoot for the week finds the girls stranded in the desert, posing with a burning car. It's all good times until Jenah's weave goes up Michael Jackson-style. No, no, just kidding. But how awesome would that have been? If there ever was a weave that deserved to be incinerated, that one is it. While Bianca, Chantal, Jenah, and Saleisha sparkle Death Valley-style, Heather, Lisa, and Ambreal struggle to show off their sequined mini-dresses and look annoyed and hot all at the same time. At judging, a very colorful Chinese dragon-lion prances around the room and lets the girls know that the six who make it through judging will be going to Shanghai. Ambreal, however, will have to enjoy some General Tso's stateside, because she finally gets the axe.

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Shanghaijinx!

The girls head to the bright lights and big city of Shanghai, where they act pretty much exactly the same way they did back in L.A. When the six girls are faced with a five-bed penthouse suite, there is a bit of ganging up on Heather, who is more than a little upset at being bedless. To avoid a scenario like last week's infamous shower scene, Chantal intervenes, and Bianca and Jenah agree to share the big bed so that Heather doesn't have to sleep in the hallway. The challenge for the week sees the girls learning some martial arts maneuvers, much to Heather's delight. When they learn that they'll have to pose on a wire, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-style, most of the girls are pretty excited. Bianca, however -- who has a fear of heights that we hadn't yet heard about -- kind of freaks out and ends up being disqualified when she refuses to continue to be airborne. Heather emerges victorious, and she and Chantal get a Shanghai shopping spree. The photo shoot for the week is a combination print ad/commercial for the Cover Girl Queen Collection. The girls get a script to memorize, and also get to ad lib a line about what makes each of them a queen. Too bad the Jays didn't get to film one of these, too. No one is especially outstanding performing in the commercial, but Chantal and Saleisha rise to the top of the pack, such as it is. Bianca and Jenah get have several takes, and Jenah's teeth have never looked more enormous. Heather totally sucks and has to be fed all her lines, one by one. Miraculously, she still sucks, though her photo turns out well. Lisa looks frightened, frightening, and miserable the whole time, and is continuously on the verge of tears. There's nothing easy, breezy, or beautiful about that. The real standout is the guy who yells "Quiet on the set" in Chinese. Where's his Seventeen cover shoot? Judging sees Heather getting a harsh critique, and she and Lisa land in the bottom two. In the end, Lisa gets sent back to the pole all broken-down and busted.

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Come Go-See With Me

It's go-see time! The girls head to PT Models Shanghai, which is potentially located in a Motel 6, where they get their instructions, along with a driver and a translator. Heather is nervous, noting that she has a tendency to have "a little problem with first impressions." And also a tendency toward understatement. Though their translators help with directions, once the girls step out of the cab, they're on their own. You would think that being dropped off outside of the building where they must go would lead to a high success rate, but then you wouldn't be forgetting that Heather is still in the competition. She wanders around for a long time before actually making it to her first go-see, and once she's there, the designer calls for eye contact. Bad times. She then ends up actually losing her driver and is pretty much a hopeless case. Saleisha and Bianca overlap on a go-see, and Saleisha deviously pleads ignorance when Bianca asks about the location of another designer that Saleisha has already seen. Turns out the designer is just a few floors up in the same building, and Saleisha's bitchery is duly noted. Jenah, who is getting pissed about her perceived lack of personality, thinks she's the best model ever, no matter what anyone else, including designers, tell her. Chantal learns an important lesson about underwear, and she, Jenah, and Heather learn that Shanghai traffic can be a bitch. They are disqualified for being late, which leaves Saleisha and Bianca as the only two challenge contenders. Delightfully, it's Bianca who wins and sees her face on a boat billboard for the Beijing Olympics. The photo shoot for the week has the girls struggling to stand out amidst a busy backdrop. The fact that Nigel is the photographer doesn't make things any easier, particularly for Jenah, whose sarcastic attempts at humor irk everyone, including Mr. Barker himself. She gets a bit of abuse for her arrogance and lack of charm at panel, where she lands in the bottom two with Heather. In a real shocker, Jenah gets the photo and Heather gets the Asperboot. Ultimately, I think it's a cruel-to-be-kind sort of deal, but watching her hunch like Lurch out of the door of the Shanghai penthouse is still pretty sad.

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Another Brick In The Wall

It's the penultimate episode of the season! Heather is gone, and the others don't miss her. Jenah is getting stressed, psyched out, and homesick, which doesn't bode well. The others maintain their focus, with Bianca ready to cut a bitch to get into the final three, Chantal still convinced that modeling is her density, and Saleisha roller skating right along. As promised, the girls head to Beijing, where they get a lesson in four great Chinese beauties from Twiggy and Miss J. They think it's another culturally irrelevant snoozefest, until they're given the beauties' outfits to modernize and catwalk-ize. They get $200 and a trip to the mall, and are instructed to stay true to the story of their beauty. Bianca exhibits her stankest move yet as she sends Jenah on a wild Peking duck chase across the street, whence she has just come and found absolutely zilch. Jenah is mad, but she still manages to win the challenge. Yay! I love when stank Bianca is foiled. Jenah and her chosen friend, Chantal, get Chinese couture dresses made just for them. Or, it appears, altered just for them. Jenah also gets a one-on-one runway lesson with Miss J., who actually seems to give her some good tips. The week's photo shoot takes place at the Great Wall, where the girls get to be the Mongols and Barbarians that they secretly are inside. Tyra is the photographer, which brings out some extra nerves in Jenah. Saleisha jumps in her shoot, and is treated like she's the second coming of Jesus. Or Tyra. The girls also do a photo together, and Bianca wants to kill Saleisha for getting her bun all up in Bianca's grille. At panel, Jenah breaks down a bit as she talks about being homesick and being a role model for her sisters. The judges wonder if she really wants to be there, and if she can hack it. Conversely, the judges are sure that Bianca wants to be there, but don't know if there's time for her to embark on the very extended learning curve that she needs. They land in the bottom two. In the end, the fact that Bianca is really fun to have around isn't enough to save her, and she's booted back to Queens.

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Easy, Breezy, Tootieful

And lo, another season of America's Next Top Model has come to pass, much in the same vein of seasons past. Yes, it's formula finale time, as the three remaining contestants struggle their way through a Cover Girl commercial and ad that has something to do with fruit and spritzing and lip gloss. Chantal seems to have her lines down the best, while Jenah struggles and almost needs cue cards. Saleisha also has a hard time nailing her lines, and actually has to take a moment to cry without messing up her eye makeup. Just like Tyra told her to! Imagine that. The first elimination of the episode is super-awkward, as both of the other girls name Jenah as the model with the least potential, and the panel totally makes her cry and elicits some mama issues after she says that the fact that she isn't spewing rainbows doesn't mean that she's not a happy person. She gets eliminated, but wins the real prize of climbing that metaphorical wall and getting to know the self that's on the other side. Or something like that. Saleisha and Chantal are thus the final two, and have a Seventeen photo shoot before embarking on their final runway challenge. As for the final runway show, Top Model apparently took advantage of the cheap Chinese labor and hired 500 extras to, like, either sit around and pray to the sun or stand around on lead-painted stilts as the girls walk. Sadly, this meant that there was only enough money left over to hire three people to be in the audience. The clothes are truly gorgeous, though. Saleisha Tootie-stomps her way down the catwalk, while Chantal gets tripped up when one of the guys on stilts gets caught on her train and falls down boom. In the end, it is as we all grimly suspected, and Saleisha takes home the crown. We can only hope that she finds as much success as Naima in her burgeoning modeling career.

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