Yesterday, I actually had to wear a jacket, so I guess it must finally be getting colder out! I mean, sure, who doesn’t love bikini weather in the middle of November, even if it means all the polar bears are dying and the penguins that are still left alive are out here cheating?
Global warming is a real thing, says scientists and all of us who aren’t used to wearing tank tops when we set the clocks back. It might not be real to Sean Hannity, of course, but luckily, I get none of my news from him!
Now, I live in the Northeast, where there should be 4 seasons. If you live in a climate where it doesn’t get colder in the fall, I have a question for you. Have you considered that you, too, might one day be exposed to cold weather when hell possibly freezes over after this nonsense bucket of a year? 2016 might be the end of days, so perhaps we should all buy jackets. Or tank tops! I have no idea where this hurtling trash fire is headed.
Anyway, I’m certainly glad it is getting colder because it means I can get into some of the best fall/winter activities that exist out there. Are you thinking of Christmas music, baking cookies, and playing in the snow? Uh, I’m not. None of them actually have anything to do with being outside or in the weather, so you don’t even need to be in a cold place to do them! You win again, Florida. Anyway, let’s all just call them fall traditions and move on:
1. . Leave Your Bottom Half Alone
There’s so much hair that we can all leave alone now. If you’re the kind of person who shaves their thighs, what are you, nuts? Leave that alone, it’s too much work. But if you’re the kind of person who shaves their calves and ankles and knees but doesn’t actually enjoy the activity, have I got news for you! It’s pants and tights season! No need to shave anymore. Move on. Leave the toes alone, too. No peep-toe heels and no flip-flops means you can keep the pedicure you gave yourself during the 4th of July and still hasn’t budged. Even if you wear shoes that show your toes, why bother painting your toenails? Just let your feet turn blue from the cold and let that be your fashion statement. Now is the time to pay attention to your face, head, hand and neck. Leave the bottom alone.
2. . Hunt For A Winter Lover
Who cares about summer love? It’s the inferior romance season now that I’m not in school and don’t have two months off to meet some seasonal lifeguard on the beach. Also, I don’t see anything sexy about heading to a bungalow covered in sand and full of hot dogs and Corona. Why would I want to make love under those conditions? Now—think of a fireplace. A warm blanket. The smell of pine trees and a documentary about something smart and European on the television. Turtleneck sweaters that hide the sexiest part of the body: the neck. Don’t you want to find a LOVAH for the season of gorging on large turkeys and drinks made of egg? I thought you might. Go forth and Tinder.
3. . Stop Going To The Gym
Why would I go to the gym anymore? I’m going to wear one large comfortable sweater all season long. I’m going to be head to toe wrapped in scarves and giant puffy jackets. You wouldn’t even know I had a body. Why in the world would I go to the gym and lift heavy objects? Why would I run around for sport? Oh, no. I’ll take this nonsense up again in March, when somebody suggests we go on some horrible spring break trip to relive our escaping, decaying youth.
4. . Cancel All Your Plans
I’m not going out anymore. I’m going to see how many days I can stay inside my apartment, ordering dumplings and ramen, before somebody I love calls to see if I’m alive. I’m not going out on a Saturday night if I don’t have to. I’m staying in and watching television underneath every blanket I have in my house. What if the wind picks me up and carries me away? What if I get frostbite? It’s downright dangerous to leave.
5. . Drink To Keep Warm
Consider that part in Titanic where the guy lives because he drinks out of a flask and he’s not so cold in the water. That’s my philosophy for my entire life. I gotta drink to keep warm. So every house I enter, I’m going to rub my hands together and go “woo! I need a drink!” and drink some red wine to get the life back into my cheeks. Also: don’t forget to suggest the humble hot toddy as a beverage. You can drink one or two hot toddys no matter the circumstance and people won’t think you’re a lush, because it’s more about temperature control rather than inebriation. And it’s the only drink you can have when you’re sick! Bonus!