This weekend, thousands of people who borrow their parents' money occasionally, but not for everything, will travel to Indio, California for Week 2 of Coachella. If you think Coachella is a music festival, you might as well sit in your rocking chair listening to your family radio, you ancient old hag! It’s more than a music festival. It’s proof that you probably do a little bit of drugs. It’s an opportunity to get accidentally stomped to death at a CHVRCHES set by a guy who is trying to Kickstart his own sweatshirt line. It’s a time to wear temporary gold tattoos while being the hottest you’ve ever been in your life. It’s a lot of things! It’s not just about the music!
If you don’t have the money or the tickets to go to Coachella this year, though, you might feel a little left out. I know I did when I saw that group photo on Facebook of a bunch of people wearing enough fringe to clothe the world in disposable Forever21 clothing! So here’s what you do. You get creative. This weekend, while people are partying once more at Coachella, you act like you are at Coachella. Then you won’t feel left out for the rest of your life, wondering if you could have met your true love (a girl made entirely of fresh-pressed organic juice) this weekend, or at least get featured on Instagram wearing a pineapple tank top, giving a peace sign. My tips are below:
1. . Sit In A Hot Car While Listening To Zedd
It is supposed to be at least 90 degrees in Indio next weekend. People are going to be sweating like Ted Cruz did when somebody turned on HBO and Zodiac was on. A lot! Because he is the Zodiac killer. So to experience a similar environment, blast EDM music sensation Zedd while sitting in a locked car, which is so dangerous, you will probably eventually hallucinate. Just like you might at Coachella when you consume a coconut water/weed drink your friend has been thinking of selling on Etsy! Don’t like Zedd? Too bad? I thought he was one of the aliens in The Simpsons, but he’s actually a real man.
2. . Write A Thinkpiece About It
Nobody will ever know you weren’t there if you write a piece over-examining Coachella culture on your own personal website, or whatever site will have you. Use these key words and phrases: festival style, personal brand, Chipotle guacamole is extra, vegan, too commercial, over-hyped, expensive, giant float that looks like a swan, hipster, Instagram, capitalize, horse manure, Taylor Swift’s New Haircut, Festivus, tacos, Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, black market liver sales, and Feel The Bern. You should be totally fine!
3. . Tell Everyone You Saw Kylie Jenner
After this weekend is long over, people will forget you ever “went” to Coachella in the first place. So to keep the lie alive, just tell people at work on Monday that you saw Kylie Jenner at Coachella, and then keep telling that lie for the rest of your life. It is no way hard to lie about seeing Kylie Jenner. You can probably guess what she was up to. I saw her just last weekend. She was sipping something out of a straw. The glass was expensive looking, and the straw was rose gold. She was checking her phone. Her friend was beautiful and was wearing a bodysuit. Her nails were 4 inches long. Her torso was long and shiny. Did you believe me? Well, I was lying! It is easy to lie about seeing Kylie Jenner.
4. . Wear A Bunch Of Clothes Your Mom Wouldn't Understand
All weekend, wear a bunch of things that would confuse your mom for two reasons: she doesn’t understand why you would wear it, or she used to wear it as a teenager. I went into a trendy store with my mom last weekend, and she became a kind of parrot, repeating the phrase “we used to wear this when I was younger” in a mildly horrified tone. We’re talking bodysuits. Large floppy sunhats. Round sunglasses. Bikinis with daisies on them. An excess of turquoise. It was the same way I felt when I saw jelly shoes and chokers once again---they were cool when I was nine, and I definitely wasn’t cool when I was nine, so should I wear them in a sad attempt to reclaim my pathetic, loser childhood? Fine.
And then send a picture of yourself wearing a choker to your mom and have her text back “I don’t understand why this is cool again! You wore it when you were in middle school.” Just wear a lot of things that will confuse her, and take a picture of yourself in a desert or port-a-potty wearing it.
5. . Wash Yourself In A Public Restroom
From my understanding, Coachella is primarily a place where you get covered in dirt and sweat and sticky things, and you don’t have the means or the space in your tiny vintage backpack to take care of the mess properly. And don’t a lot of people stay on a campground? I don’t know. All I do know is that to experience Coachella as if you were a guest there, head to a gas station bathroom and wash your dirty feet and legs in the sink with one wet nap. Then, don’t shower for two days, using only a can of dry shampoo and a dried out makeup wipe as your last hope.