Listen, 2016 was a very bad year for the world as a whole. If you had a great year, let me tell you something: I’m glad you got married, I’m thrilled you accepted a new role at work, and the birth of your niece was nothing less than a miracle, but it still doesn’t make the year any better for the rest of us. So do us all a favor and shut up about it in public. Surely you cannot believe that your own personal accomplishments tip the scale in any way towards 2016 being a good year for people. Right? Great. But if you are like me, you are very glad this year is almost over. Why? Well, that I can’t tell you. I have a sinking feeling that 2017 might be even worse, which is why I’ve made only one real New Year’s resolution, and it’s go to therapy.
But it feels nice to flush 2016 down the toilet and let it get devoured by the sewer rats and swamp-y monsters down there. And that is, at the very least, owed a slight celebration. I’m not really a New Year’s Eve person, mostly because I have no real reason to spend time with people I don’t know, or people I do know, or on bathroom lines, but I can get down with a half-hearted screw you 2016 at the stroke of midnight. If you’re doing something this New Year’s Eve, do yourself a favor, though. Expect very little. This was not a great year, and therefore this will not be a great New Year’s Eve. Save whatever shreds of optimism you have left for another time, and just set the bar low. Here are some tips on a plausibly okay time for the night the ball drops on the whole damn world:
1. . Stay Away From Open Bars
You and I both know open bars are a nightmare. The drinks are watered down. The cups are plastic. The crowd is a pack of hyenas, chomping at the bit to poison themselves with well vodka, which is just nailpolish remover somebody spit a thimble’s worth of Tito’s into. And what are you spending your money on, anyway? Having to shove your way through a crowd of bros high-fiving over Papa John’s or football or Peyton Manning being sponsored by Papa John’s? Six drinks you could have gotten at a better bar? It’s never worth it. You have to put your coat in the coat check, which is a veritable fun house full of size medium Banana Republic peacoats. You never have any dollar bills on you, just fives. And the bathroom is so dirty, it’s like wading in the mud river Artax dies in the Neverending Story, but the mud is human urine. Just go to a regular bar.
2. . Have Your Own Party
Even better, you should have your own party. Tell everybody you invite that the entry fee into your house is a bottle of alcohol. Then go to the grocery store and spend 60 dollars on clear cups, black and silver plates, black napkins, a bucket full of ice, mixers, some bags of chips, and a few boxes of those frozen bougie Trader Joe’s appetizers lifestyle bloggers pee their pants for. Done. You’ll get an enormous amount of alcohol that people will not finish, so the party will pay for itself. And then you can tell people that they are all going to play a fun game called “put my tree away,” where they gently wrap up your Christmas Tree decorations because you haven’t put them away yet. But they are eating mini hot dogs, listening to the Weeknd, and drinking out of plastic champagne flutes. So who cares?
3. . Or Just Stay Home And Wallow
If there is no bar at all, the bar can’t be set low at all. Just put on your coziest pajamas, get a bottle of wine, and order whatever you want on Seamless. I’m salivating just thinking about it. That sounds like heaven. Why did they call the women in Grey Gardens crazy when they just wanted to STAY INSIDE? Why would you go out just to pay an Uber surge? Why would you go out in heels?! Why?! There's no need to ever be outside when everything you need to eat can be delivered and everybody you need to talk to is stored inside your Iphone. Just start living your best life and stay where you are, never moving or socializing, happy as a clam.
4. . Wear Something Old
Do not buy a new outfit. Just don’t. Do not waste your money on a night where nobody will see you and the Instagram photos will mostly all look the same. You have a perfectly adorable black dress in your closet that can be jazzed up with chokes and costume jewelry and good nail art and a good lipstick shade. Nobody will even see your dress in the dark, which is why it will no doubt be covered with cheap champagne and pizza sauce by the end of the night. Save yourself the coin.
5. . Kiss NOBODY
Do not. Kiss. Anybody. Why commemorate the start of a new year with a sloppy wet kiss? Why even acknowledge it at this point? The trash pile of steaming garbage that 2016 was doesn’t deserve to be kissed away. We should be hitting a punching bag. We should be screaming a battle cry. We should be sharpening our teeth. We should be howling at the moon. We should be preparing. Kisses will do nothing. Kisses won’t be what will save us. Todd won’t save us. Don’t kiss Todd. Crack your knuckles and get ready to do this. You are all you have now.