Pop Culture

7 Reasons To Not Have Kids

For all of you on the fence, let this be your definitive guide.

Not having kids is the new having kids, and with a little crunching of the numbers, it is easy to see why. Facebook is annoying enough without updates on Tiffany’s ballet recital. It sounds harsh, but having babies isn’t nearly as popular as it used to be. According to the US Census Bureau, something like 44% of women under 50 don’t have kids, which is an all-time high.

No shade thrown to men and women who do, but I’d like to take a moment to raise my glass (because I don’t have kids, so I can) to everyone out there who has decided not to have kids. And if you’re on the fence about having kids yourself, here are seven reasons not to.

1. DINK! Duh.

I’m talking Dual Income No Kids. Remember that word! It is a powerful choice. DINK is a lifestyle that is growing in popularity as women gain equality in the workforce. Dual Income No Kids means saving an average of $300,000 per kid (which is what they estimate a child costs over the course of their eighteen years at home, which means you have more time and money for motorcycles and boats! Keep the toys to yourself. DINKS also have a higher divorce rate. Wait… is that a good thing? It beats staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. They’ve even done studies on how gay marriages which are more likely to be childless can help reduce the deficit because we pay off our debt faster, throw more money back into the economy, and throw killer backyard barbecues where you can say "f*ck" as loudly as you want.

2. It Keeps Sexy Time Sexy

And by sex, we mean intimacy of all kinds, but also sex. Fact: couples with kids hook up less often, and around 70% of them experience a “slump” in the quality of their relationship after having kids. It’s hard to be schmoopy when you’re exhausted from dealing with someone else’s poop.

3. Being Childless Makes You Happy

Couples with kids are more likely to be depressed overall, and though they do experience a spike in “overall happiness” once their children are out of the house, even empty nesters aren’t as “happy” as couples who never had kids at all. The stress of having children is just that: stress! Do we have enough money? Why don’t I ever get to sleep at night? Are my kids making good choices? Why do they hate me? Is this a phase? Am I doing this right? Raising kids takes an average of eight hours a day, and that is eight hours where your wants, needs, dreams and desires come second to a fourteen-year-old who is mad at you for ruining his/her life by embarrassing him/her in front of his/her friends at school.   

4. Better TV

Do you know how much money gets pumped into kids programming? Too much. And if you wanna talk repetitive, talk to me about learning your ABC’s. I’ll keep TV time to myself, thank you very much. Ditto, music! The wheels on the bus can suck my butt! Kids television is the worst! THE WORST! Imagine the content we’d have if cartoons were exclusively for adults. Companies spend around $17 billion a year marketing to children, who would be just as happy eating their own boogers as watching yet another TV show about stranger danger.

5. You Can Continue To Make Bad Choices Guilt-Free

Pizza for breakfast, beer for lunch, laying out at the beach. Go for it! Who cares? Live fast, die young, and squander your savings. If you have a savings account, that is, but lesbie honest, if you’re a millennial, chances are, you don’t.

6. First Time Parents Are Annoying

Fact. Not all of them, but most. It’s a shared interest that not everybody shares, and those who embrace parenthood also tend to limit their own personal interests because they don’t have time for them anymore. They’re too busy re-learning the ABC’s. Sorry parents, no one likes your children but you. That goes for restaurants, Facebook, and all forms of casual conversation. Your world may have shrunk to the size of an infant, but the rest of us are still trying to get work done and enjoy a nice meal without having to hear about your decision to destroy the environment. Which leads me to my final point, which is, perhaps, the biggest reason of all...

7. Climate Change

If you can’t stand the heat, why the hell would you bring a baby into the kitchen?? Climate change is real, and zero population growth is where it’s at. Having a child, especially in a rich country like the US where we have the highest carbon emissions per capita in the world, is the single worst thing you can do to the environment. Period. I understand the genetic pull towards reproducing. It is huge! If you are thinking about having a child and aren't wlling to consider adopting, think deeply about the world you are bringing it into and understand that by doing so, you are drastically, deeply, and irreparably harming the environment, and no amount of recycling or stay-cations can undo the damage of having a kid. And no matter what you do, NO MATTER WHAT… do not bring that up at your best friend’s baby shower. You will not be invited back.

[Photo: Getty Images]


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