Love & Relationships

Comedians Share Their 7 Dating Deal Breakers

Don't try to be funny if you're not, don't tell them to "relax," and love them even when they look dumpy. 


Being a funny lady in the dating pool is a minefield. We spoke to comedians Calise Hawkins and Nicole Schreiber about the things you shouldn't do when going on a date with them, unless you want the date to end immediately, with a drink in your face. 


1. He's rude to waiters.

Nicole: If we’re ever out and my date speaks down to people: dealbreaker. Like, if they're rude to waiters. They are doing their job! They're not your servants! 


2. He "shushes" me or tells me to "relax." 

Nicole: I went on a date once where a guy shushed me. Bro, I'm LOUD! I'm allowed to express my emotions. Don't tell me to relax because it's too much for you in this room! I hate that. I want a guy who lets me be me all day. That's probably why I'm still single.


3. He's into pop culture.

Calise: I don't like it when guys are too trendy. It's okay to be aware, but don't be influenced by it. Please don't care about whether Kim Kardashian is a good mom or not. You can have an opinion, but please don't care.

Nicole: Guys who are into pop culture...ew. 


4. He waxes.

Nicole: I like a lot of hair. I like a real wall-to-wall carpeting situation. Guys who wax? No. No no no. Plus, the guy I date has to be okay with my lack of waxing. 


5. He tries really hard to be funny...and isn't. 

Calise: Guys are used to being the funniest thing at the table. They're used to women being their audience. I don't like guys that require that kind of attention. 

Nicole: Funny can be my thing in the relationship. Don't try to be funny if you're not, especially with me. That's the worst faux pas you can commit while dating a comedian.    


6. He's bad at sex. 

Nicole: Bad sex is a dealbreaker. Sorry, it's shallow. But, somewhere deep inside my vagina is my heart. Once you find it, I'm yours forever. Until we're done and we break up. 


7. He doesn't accept me when I look like crap. 

Calise: At resting level, I'm in jogging pants, sandals, flip flops and a T-shirt. If a guy isn't happy with that, he's never gonna be happy with me. Don't tell me how I can clean up and look pretty, because I already f****ing know. I'm f****ing hot! I'm like Britney Spears: She cleans up nice and knows how to be sexy, but at resting level she's basically trailer trash. I'm a super star inside. I just don't like to show it all the time.

Nicole: Love me at my baseline. A guy should love you with no bells and whistles. He should love you even when you’re crying (hopefully he’s not the one making you cry), because that’s me at my rawest and most vulnerable. If you can look at me in that moment and say ‘God I love you,’ that’s a good guy. 

Read more about: Calise HawkinsNicole Aimee SchreiberCalise HawkinsNicole Aimee SchreiberLove & Relationships

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