It’s close to swimsuit season, I suppose, or very close to it being year-round swimsuit season if we keep murdering the polar bears with all our exhaust fumes. So! Swimsuit season means a few things. It means that people will try to lose weight. It means that there will be an influx in horrible yogurt commercials that try to market yogurt as being healthy and delicious. And it means that people will try to tell you that it’s possible to go from me, a human Cheese Puff, to a Victoria’s Secret model in three months if you shift some things around and get rid of sugar. Listen, if you want to pay your dues to the Lords of Beach Bodies by living in the fantasy world that being aesthetically attractive to the whole world is a reachable and worthwhile goal, then fine. It’s definitely not, but it’s fine. And if you want to go on a diet so you can get slightly smaller, okay. We all have our reasons for doing things, and I’m here to help. Here are my five best diet tips:
1. . Fill Your Body With Viscous Egg Whites
Boy, oh boy, look at those snotty little egg whites. They are better for you than evil sugar, which people cut out of their diet when they want to become grumpy and awful and also maybe thinner. They are better for you than booze, or cheese from a can. They are the best thing you can eat. Here’s a thing you might have already forgotten: the only thing between you and true, eternal youth and beauty is an egg yolk. That’s it. Charlize Theron in Snow White and the Hunstmen could eat Kristen Stewart’s heart all she wanted, but unless she’s munching on a few yolk-less, rubbery omelets, she’ll remain the second fairest of them all. Wondering why Charlize looks like she was born in a field of garbage in that movie? Because she was eating egg yolks! That’s how you’ll win this round, sweetheart. Cracking open an egg and dumping half of it in the trash.
2. . Talk About Going To The Gym, And Also Post About It
I’ve been telling a lot of my friends I plan on going to the gym lately. It creates the allusion of working out, which is almost as good as working out, aka lifting your arms to EDM music. Just even mentioning “I’m going to spin class tomorrow” will fool your friends into thinking you are the kind of person who will dole out 40 bucks to sit on a small fake bike and listen to an inspirational gym rat tell you how amazing you are over Madonna music. It’s incredible! And don’t forget to post workout pictures. Do I think it’s bragging? No, actually, I don’t. Post whatever you want and like and are proud of, especially because workout gear sucks you in and makes you look super amazing and hardworking. You could probably just continue talking about the gym until somebody says “yeah, I noticed, you look great,” to shut you up, and aren’t we just doing this all for the validation?
3. . Give To The Witch of Omega-3
All I hear about is Omega-3 Fatty Acids, and how we must pay homage and respect to it, consuming her flesh in significant and frequent amounts. The Omega-3 Fatty Acid is a witch who hides in avocados and salmon. She will grant your wish of skin elasticity and will eliminate your hunger for brief periods in between lunch and dinner. Feed her little handfuls of nuts, before parties, which is the number one diet rule, and she won’t forget who you are, and you will be rewarded for it.
4. . Drink A Glass of Water! NOW!
What the heck are you doing just reading this? Stop it! Stop it now! Go drink a glass of water instead. Now. If you’re doing anything today besides drinking a glass of water, you’re not doing it right. You should be drinking water instead of doing anything else, like paying bills, or calling your parents, or watching television. Just sit in a dark room and drink many, many glasses of water, in between things. In between meals. In between breaths. In between other glasses of water. Even in between another kind of water: green juice, which is murky toilet water that somebody has taken the liberty to put kale inside of.
5. . Shed The Weight of Expectation
Maybe the thing you should be losing is the weird expectation that you have to look like somebody in Taylor Swift’s squad just to splash around in some water. Blah, blah, if you want to get fit and be the kind of person who talks about how granola bars actually have a lot of sugar in them, then more power to you. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the heavy weight of expectation put upon you that makes you think that society will shun you if you have cellulite. Guess what, good! Society is the worst, and I'm glad they hate us. Collective society is responsible for flare jeans coming back and Bazinga and the Entourage movie. We don’t need to feel the cold, inconsistent approval of society. Just look hot for yourself, which only takes a few glasses of wine and a couple of really good selfies.