It's the best holiday of the year, everyone! If you didn't know (or haven’t stolen a Netflix password so you can bingewatch Parks and Rec), February 13th is Galentine’s Day, where you celebrate girl friends instead of your Bernie Bro boyfriend or whatever. It’s a time to get together with your ladies, avoid calling them your ladies, drink some wine, and remind yourself that cheap chocolate isn't nearly as satisfying as hanging out with your best buds. For real, though, good friendships are better than most relationships you’ll ever have. This is why you need to do Galentine’s Day—the superior February holiday—right:
1. . Subtly Remind Your Friends Who Didn't Go To Your Birthday Party
You’re not going to let them get away with it this time. Sure, sometimes friends have “emergencies,” and sometimes they have to get their “wisdom teeth removed,” but honestly, it’s pretty rude of them to miss the amazing 82-person dinner you organized at your favorite tapas restaurant, complete with separate tabs. Karen, I don't care if your lips are numb from the Novocain, it's not like you can chew your tongue off drinking from mason jar cocktails. Just spit out the raspberries—there are a lot of seeds.
2. . Speaking of Tabs, Let's Just Split This One Down The Middle Tonight
So what if your allergy to shellfish prevents you from digging into the seafood tower? In the spirit of friendship, we should really split this evenly. We are all totally adults now, it's not like we don't have money to do fun things like spend a lot on one fitness class. Anyway, I’m thinking of having my wedding in Paris. You can all come, right? It’s on Christmas.
3. . But Don't Touch My Truffle Grilled Cheese
I’m sorry, but I kind of got this for myself. I mean, if you are hungry you could order your own. Maybe if I don't eat my crusts, you can have the crust? So help me Karen, if you so much as look at it one more time I will bite your hand off.
4. . By The Way: We Know You Bought The Cheapest Wine, Karen
Karen, just because you pick the sticker off doesn't mean I recognize that bottle from the wine place by my house. I know you got it because it’s 9.99. I know it’s just for the pregame for the wine bar and we won’t get to open it, but this is seriously strike two.
5. . Let's Not Talk About Relationship Issues Tonight!
I don’t really have the stomach to talk about Kevin again. If I have to hear about Kevin one more time, I am going to Fargo myself into a wood chipper. He is literally the most boring man on the face of the Earth. All he does is talk about Uber, sports, and old hip-hop records he used to listen to in high school. I would rather drink wine that has turned to vinegar than even think about him and his lame pecs one more time.
6. . Can We Talk About How Much Weddings Cost, Instead?
I am so happy about you and Kevin. You guys are a great team. I sincerely look forward to spending 300 dollars on a cranberry colored dress just to see you get hitched. I mean this sincerely—your hashtag #KevininWeddingHeaven is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard and also very original.
7. . Do It Again Sometime Soon!
I love you girls. We don’t do this nearly enough! Let’s make this a monthly thing. Like, a monthly smaller thing with less people than are here now. I can think of one we don’t need to invite. It’s Karen.