Welp! It looks like the world is ending. If appointing a climate change denier as head of the Environmental Protection Agency doesn’t kill us all, then the devolution of human rights and resulting civil war surely will.
Overreaction? Maybe, but the time for rational thought has clearly come and gone. As of November 9, 2016, I officially don’t know what to believe in anymore. As a gay person who has fought for equality my entire adult life, I’m still holding onto hope that we’re past the singularity and all of this is a simulation. Still, I would be amiss if I wasn’t prepared for the worst.
A quick shout out to all the religious and ethnic minorities out there with whom I stand in safety-pin solidarity. And to all my queer brothers and sisters, here’s a little guide to every f*cking conversation that panicking LGBTQ folks are having right now.
Here he is holding an equality flag upside-down, you know, because he “gets it.”
INTERIOR - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
SCOUT, a downtrodden millennial, sits alone on the couch drinking a gluten free beer. MOM, her midwestern mother, enters waving a glass of white wine.
MOM: Happy Thanksgiving, Scout!
SCOUT: Sad. I am very sad.
MOM: What? Why?
SCOUT: The election.
SCOUT: The sadness is unending.
MOM: I’m just glad it’s over.
SCOUT: At least when it was happening, there was still a sliver of hope. Now I have nothing.
MOM: Well, somebody’s being dramatic.
SCOUT: Must be all the sensationalist news to which I have been exposed. The end is upon us, tonight at nine!
MOM: The world is not going to end.
SCOUT: I’ve had worse surprises.
MOM: Like what?
SCOUT: The election.
MOM: You know, I had an inkling he might win.
SCOUT: Hindsight is 20-20.
MOM: At my age, nothing is 20-20! I can’t do anything without my glasses. Speaking of which, cheers!
Mom raises her glass in a toast.
MOM: To family!
SCOUT: What about Uncle Richard?
MOM: He’s family, isn’t he?
Scout turns away.
MOM: What is our rule this year? No politics on Thanksgiving!
SCOUT: What if Uncle Richard was a Nazi? Would we just not talk about that, too?
MOM: Uncle Richard is not a Nazi.
SCOUT: He voted for one.
MOM: Donald Trump is not a Nazi.
SCOUT: You’re right. He’s a fascist.
MOM: Everything is going to be just fine, Scout. You’ll see. Plus, Trump loves the gays!
SCOUT: First of all, we prefer “The LGBTQ Community,” or even just “gay people.”
MOM: Your generation gets so hung up on words.
SCOUT: When you only have 140 characters, it benefits you to be exact.
MOM: I don’t get it.
SCOUT: It’s a Twitter joke.
MOM: I don’t Twitter. I Facebook. Honestly, you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.
SCOUT: Will we even have mole hills in the dystopian future that is upon us?
MOM: Trump is the most gay-loving Republican candidate we’ve ever had, plus, even if he wanted to repeal marriage equality, he couldn’t.
SCOUT: No, he’d have to appoint Supreme Court justices to do it for him.
MOM: That’s the spirit! Wait…
SCOUT: If he repeals The Affordable Care Act, thousands of trans people will lose access to gender affirming healthcare.
MOM: Not all trans people.
SCOUT: Only the ones who need it most.
MOM: It is not going to be that bad!
SCOUT: It already is!
MOM: Jon Stewart said that the same America that voted for Obama also voted for Trump.
SCOUT: So it’s been hopeless the whole time, we’re just now realizing it?
MOM: Nothing is hopeless.
SCOUT: I hope you’re right.
They sit in silence as Scout picks at the label on her beer.
SCOUT: What about gay marriage!
MOM: I thought you didn’t believe in marriage?
SCOUT: I dont! It’s an outdated tradition based on women as property and gaudy displays of wealth, but I just spent the better part of a decade marching for it, so I’m kind of committed right now!
MOM: At least you’re committing to something.
MOM: I understand your concern, but historically speaking, rights don’t roll back once they’ve been granted.
SCOUT: We don’t know that! We don’t know anything! Have you listened to what The Republican Party has been saying this year! Mike Pence believes in conversion therapy.
MOM: That’s based on a statement he made in 2010, and conversion therapy isn’t even recognized in most parts of the country now.
SCOUT: But they said it!
MOM: They said all kinds of things. Doesn’t mean they’re going to do them.
SCOUT: But we want politicians to do things! That’s what we elect them to do!
MOM: Tell that to the Republican Senate.
SCOUT: I feel lost right now. Inconsolably lost.
They sit in silence.
MOM: I’m here to listen, Scouter. Whatever you need, I’m here.
SCOUT: It’s just… I thought things were finally going our way. All the marching, all the petitions and phone calls. The Republican party came out with a staggeringly anti-gay platform in the same year that we and I thought maybe once, that sort of thing just wouldn’t fly. I thought enough people were willing to stand up for social justice and say, hey, Republicans, that’s too far! And then when Trump said all that bullsh*t about kissing women and grabbing…
MOM: Language, Scout.
SCOUT: Sorry. I just thought maybe, finally, someone has crossed the line, and the powers that be would start standing up for justice for fringe groups without us having to yell and scream about it all the time. But he won. There are no consequences to anything. We’re all just trying to win a shouting match by shouting. Trump beat a female candidate using circular, hateful rhetoric. What are we supposed to tell our daughters?
MOM: I thought you were against having children because of global warming?
SCOUT: I am. I was being hypothetical.
MOM: I think you are over-reacting, and I would have done the same thing when I was younger.
SCOUT: Well, someone has to march.
MOM: So march!
SCOUT: I’m tired of being mad. I’m so mad all the time.
MOM: Walk it off.
SCOUT: Excuse me? That’s dismissive.
MOM: Walk it off! Being mad all the time gives the people you’re mad at reason to be mad at you back. Actions speak louder than words, sweetheart. So even though your uncle Richard is an asshole…
SCOUT: I’ve never heard you curse before.
MOM: You’ve never seen me march before, either. Doesn’t mean I haven’t done it. Get it? Walk it off.
SCOUT: You mean march it off?
MOM: Find other people who are mad like you and get together to build something from there.
SCOUT: Great! Let’s march!
Scout gets up off the couch and holds her arm out to help her mother do the same.
MOM: In this weather? Not a chance.
Scout looks at her mother and frowns.
MOM: Fine! If it means that much to you, I’ll march!
SCOUT: And I don’t have to be nice to Uncle Richard at Thanksgiving dinner?
MOM: Stand up for what you believe in, but don’t be mean. In theory, being mean is what you are standing up against.
Scout pulls out her iPhone.
SCOUT: Hey, does Trump own Uber?
MOM: No, I don’t think so.
SCOUT: Great. Let’s go march for a while and then we can uber back. I’ll post photos on Instagram. Oh! Maybe I’ll Facebook live the whole thing!
MOM: I’ll never understand your generation.
SCOUT: You don’t have to understand something to retweet it.
MOM: I’ll get my coat.