Every Time I Needed To Drink During The First Presidential Debate

After that debate, you can believe I have a hangover this morning.

I watched the first presidential debate last night between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. I decided to drink every time I was upset, shocked, scared, or excited. These are the results:

Hillary Clinton started off with a “Donald, it’s good to see you” and the lie was too real

Hillary Clinton also brought up her father’s job as a small businessman and a drapery maker, which made Trump bring up his father’s job as a much larger businessman. For a brief moment, this felt like a normal debate because every president loves talking about daddy, and I took a sip quickly because I knew this would break soon

Trump called his dad’s loan “small” because “one million dollars” to him is small. I will consider that when I ask people for a small amount of money someday.

Trump talked about where all the jobs were going, and spoiler alert: they are China and Mexico. I drank every time he said Mexico, because I’m afraid he’s going to follow it with dangerous stereotypes about the people living there!

Trump says BIGLY. Mark my words, when Donald Trump becomes All Hail Master Leader Trump, they’re adding that word to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. 

In regards to taxing the rich, Hillary compared Trump to Reagan by using the term “trumped-up trickle down.” That term is never going to happen. Obamacare works. Trumped-up does not. It sounds like a used car term.

Hillary mentions that Donald Trump rooted for the housing crisis in 2006 because it was a business opportunity for him. It’s important to drink every time Hillary goes after things Donald Trump has said in the past, because in this debate, he doesn’t always deny them. Instead, he tries to justify them. This time: “That’s called business, by the way.” Drink!

Never mind! Donald denies that he said climate change was a hoax. He did! Drink for the polar bears!

Then Trump brings up some botched trade agreements Hillary has been supportive of, most notably NAFTA (The North American Trade Agreement that lowered trade restrictions between the US, Mexico and Canada) and the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Hillary was in support of that deal in 2012, even though she has talked about later being against that deal once she saw the terms laid out. Trump noted that she called it the “gold standard,” which Hillary denies and is absolutely true. So I drank for Hillary getting TRUMPED-UP on that little misstep.

But then she mentions how she’s actually worked in politics and Donald lives in his own reality, so I drink to that because boom!

Hillary claims Trump’s tax cuts will put them into a recession while hers will not, then plugs HillaryClinton.com which is odd and I don’t like it.

Trump claims Hillary’s website also lays out her entire plan to fight ISIS, which is not a real way to beat ISIS. I mean…that sounds..fake…but okay.

Trump has been interrupting Clinton every time she starts talking about tax cuts by screaming WRONG at her, which is now what I will do for everything. I drink every time he says “WRONG.”

Trump also says that Obama will leave office, retire and play golf forever as if that is a bad thing. I drink for Obama because Obama needs to relax.

This is truly the best part of the debate and I drink straight through it---Lester inquires about Donald Trump’s tax returns and he says he will release them after his audit OR once she releases her e-mails. Oh, god. The e-mails.

Hillary responds with 3 points that I screamed and drank throughout. He hasn’t released his returns because he’s not as rich as he says he is, he isn’t as charitable as he says he is, OR he’s paid nothing in federal taxes. Nothing for the military, for healthcare, for schools, for building roads. And Trump responds that that makes him smart. He says not paying federal taxes IS SMART. He will lose voters from this and I will drink to it.

Trump responds to the claim further by stating he has a “tremendous income” (DRINK!) and that our US airports look like 3rd World airports and Dubai airports are nicer. It’s the most inane segue I’ve ever heard in my life.

Hillary claims she’s talked to Trump employees (architects, her precious drapery installers) and says they haven’t all been paid for their work. Trump responds to that by “maybe he didn’t do a good job,” which is how business has never worked, ever.

Lester Holt says they are about to talk about race, so I drink an entire bottle of alcohol.

Both of them talk some pandering “we can ALLLLLLL agree on this 101” stuff about how the good police want reform too, and we need to build relationships between the community/police, and innocent people die every day on the street. So Clinton believes getting guns off the street and changing some of our systematically racist practices (by retraining police) can tackle these issues. Trump believes that means we need to bring back stop-and-frisk and bring LAW AND ORDER back to the streets. Then he talks about how the NRA is on his side, which he is very proud of, and when people get on the no-fly list, we need to help them if they shouldn’t be on that list. Uh. What? Whether you agree with him or not, you can’t deny that he loves changing the subject.

So now we go from race to another dumpster fire, which is the birther movement. Trump talks about how he is proud of getting Obama to release his birth certificate, as if that’s not easy for a Social Security office to get. Just imagine if he lost his Social Security card. He’d be waiting on line waving that certificate all day.

Hillary calls the birther movement racist, which it absolutely is. 

The next subject isn’t just a toilet flushing over and over again, it’s cyber security. Terror time! I drink throughout this segment because I don’t want to hear people talk about cyber security. It sounds futuristic and antiquated at the same time. Trump starts the segment off by saying that his 10-year-old is great at computers, which makes him sound unbelievably old.

Trump then denies he supported the Iraq War. This is 100% a lie. He did. Even Lester Holt says this, who is mostly afraid to interrupt.

This becomes my other favorite moment of the debate. He keeps saying that he was against the war and the mainstream media reported it wrong, and that we should call Sean Hannity for proof. He brings up Sean Hannity and to ask Sean Hannity like 8 times. He sounds like some of the townies who went to my high school. Like “CALL SEAN, he’ll tell ya we saw a deer get eaten by a snake and then we shot them both! Call SEAN. CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.”

Hillary Clinton says that a man who gets upset at tweets should not have access to nuclear codes, and Trump says that line is getting old. I agree with this, but also believe she is right. 

Hillary Clinton says that “words matter when you run for president,” and I also agree with this. The guy says the dumbest stuff of all time, denies it, or just makes it worse. But at least he insinuates he’s not super invested in blowing up the world with the nuclear codes. That makes me feel safe.

We end the night with Lester Holt asking Trump why he said Hillary didn’t have a presidential look, and this is where Hillary LEANED IN to Trump on his remarks about being pigs and pregnancy being inconvenient for business. Trump defends himself as anyone would: he called Rosie O’Donnell names because she was hard on him, and that’s totally fine. RIGHT.

Finally, Trump says he will accept the election results if the American people do not vote him into office. I pray for the day that happens. 

 [Photo: Getty Images]

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