We’ve establishedthat I want to be on Aziz Ansari’s new comedy Master of None. Here comes the tricky part: Why? I'm not an actress. My stage career begins and ends with having zero lines in the Christmas pageant in first grade. I played the “Star of Bethlehem," who I guess didn't say much. But that isn't going to deter me. Aziz, here's my elevator pitch for you:
1. We look alike
We look alike. There. I said it. Aziz, you could save thousands on makeup and wardrobe because I was literally born to play the part.
2. Your Mom will like me
Aziz cast his real-life parents, Shoukath and Fatima Ansari, to play his parents on the show. From experience, I’ll tell you now, that his parents will love me. They may even try to set up a romantic alliance—you know Indians love them some arranged marriages—but that’s another episode.
3. We speak the same language
India has about 22 languages. Most of you are familiar with Bollywood, movies set in the language Hindi, but every state has its own language. What are the odds that we both have the same native language of Tamil? I sense a connection. So for instance, if I were to say, “Eppadi irukkīnga?” (How are you?), Aziz would know exactly what I’m saying. No Rosetta Stone required.
4. Rappers like us
Rappers like Jay Z and Kanye West like Aziz. Check out his cameo in the “Otis” music video for proof. I interview rappers as a music journalist. I have a Kanye selfie too, Aziz.
5. Everyone thinks we’re related/dating
When you’re a young Indian American in entertainment, people love to connect you to other young Indian Americans in entertainment. Since The Mindy Project’s Mindy Kaling is a girl and Top Chef’s Padma Lakshmi is a model (and a girl), it’s kind of assumed that I’m either dating, should be dating or best friends with Aziz. Hook your cousin/girlfriend up, Aziz with that cameo.