How To Actually Interest Me In Your Social Media Outrage
Why are you so mad?
Why are you so mad? All day, I see rants on my timeline. You know what it’s like: friends and family going off about this current event or that celebrity—and expecting the rest of us to care. Before you tweet me, actually interest me in your social media outrage. Here's a helpful list.
1. I like when stuff is about me. So, make it about me.
2. Spell my name right. (See above)
3. Keep it short. If your Tweet or post has the word “cont…” and keeps going, it’s over. 140-character limits were made for a reason. TLDR.
4. You have a 12-hour window of grief. After that, it’s social media amnesia. If your gripe happened yesterday or last week, snail mail it to a magazine or something.
5. DON’T SAY IT IN CAPS. IT’S REALLY ANNOYING!
6. Find some way to incorporate Beyonce. She is queen of all things and will hold my interest always.
7. Order Girl Scout cookies from your coworker’s kid and send them to me first. I’ll be indebted to listen to you until I finish off a box of Samoas.
8. Don’t use emoji (or Kimoji).
9. Don’t use obscure references or any words that require Google. I’m not opening up a second browser window for this.
10. Is this rant really that important? Ask yourself: If this were your last day before a meteor hit the Earth and obliterated life as we know it, is this what you’d want your final status update to be?