I am going to five weddings this year. Five! That means a few things: I will be bankrupt by the end of the year in terms of money, but the opposite of bankrupt by the end of the year in terms of wedding cake. Attending weddings is like going to a really big party, but the party is centered on a century’s old tradition of The Electric Slide and drunk relatives. You get to see things you never really wanted to see, such as other people’s families, and things you love seeing, like open bars. It’s a medium amount of fun. As I attend numerous amounts of weddings, I’ve gathered a few tips for my own benefit, such as checking both chicken AND fish on the invitation or ordering six drinks at a time. I also realize the importance of being a good wedding guest for the people who have invited you to their celebration. Being a wedding guest is acquiring the ultimate power. You can easily ruin somebody’s life in one fell swoop—a drunken toast, an outfit all in white, or a public rant on how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got married well before gay marriage was legalized, which means they are promise-breakers. But you shouldn't do that! So I’ve put my selfishness aside and came up with a few pointers on how to be good wedding guests to the fools who decided to send you (read: me) an invite:
1. . Give Cash Money
I am from New York. For a wedding, we give cash. And I realize how annoying it is so say “I am from New York,” so you know I mean it. I hate when people say this about, like, knowing about pizza or cabs. There are pizza and cabs in other places, too. We do not own bread and cheese, baked in an oven, or other people driving us places. But I say this because I literally didn’t know about wedding registries until I was at least 20. Every wedding I attended as a youth had a table with a giant box you slipped envelopes into. If there wasn’t one, it meant you went up to the groom at dinner and handed him a fistful of cash. There wasn’t a call for toaster ovens or tablecloths or glass goblets. And isn’t getting cash so awesome? It means the happy couple can buy things they really want, like dirty movies or weekend trips or expensive cheese at Whole Foods.
2. . Don't Talk About The Dinner
If you work in an office, everyone mostly just talks about what they are eating for lunch. If you are at a bar on a Saturday, everyone has to bring up what they might do for brunch the next day. People love talking about future meals. It’s just a thing. But at a wedding, it’s definitely a rude thing. We all know the meal will probably not be good, and so at most weddings I’ve been to, people are just mumbling about how they are “hungry” and they hope “the meal is good,” as a vague threat to the people paying for it. Going to a wedding is the only party I’ve ever been to where it’s almost socially acceptable to insult the meal before you even eat it. So don’t. Don’t even say the word dinner. Get ready for the tower of vegetables, and Google Maps a fast food place on the way back from the venue, and shut your mouth.
3. . If Grandpa Gets Political, Start Dancing
Guys, it’s an election year. We definitely don’t need Aunt Mae to have a few alcoholic Shirley Temples and start going in on how Donald Trump isn’t “afraid to say it.” We all know that actually means, “I like how he is openly awful to Muslims, and even though the entire nation is already pretty awful to Muslims, I’d love the next President to make it even MORE accepted than it already is so I can say it at work and not just at dinner.” We don’t want to hear it! Any word you hear about politics, just start dancing. There’s a few things older relatives can’t resist: talking about their narrow-minded sense of politics at dinner, and getting up and grooving to an Earth, Wind and Fire Song. So help everyone out. If you hear the words “Ted Cruz,” scream “is the Zodiac Killer” and queue up the opening bars to September. This doesn’t just go for politics. This also goes for any references to how the bride is wearing white even though they live together.
4. . Hold Your Liquor
Oh please, please, please don’t get vomit drunk at your friend’s wedding. You should drink to your heart’s content and enjoy champagne and vodka cocktails and all the blessings an open bar can give. But your life is not a bad reality show. There is no need to get hold-your-hair-back drunk at an expensive party that features grandparents. Control yourself! Keep to one liquor and stick with it all night! Drink water! We are adults!
5. . Don't Be A Curmudgeonly Rat Witch
The odd thing about weddings is that even though they have nothing to do with us, we tend to make them all about us. Oh, wait. That’s what we do with everything! We are selfish monsters by nature, and we love to sit on our little monster thrones and get all judgmental about various issues. The only thing about a wedding that pertains to us: go, have a good time, smile. That’s it. So if you don’t like the flowers, or you hated the engagement party food, or you think your friend is being selfish because she didn’t rent enough hotel rooms or whatever---shut up. Stop talking. This day isn’t about you, you little rat witch! It’s about someone else! Complain about it all tomorrow!