Your Guide To Doing Halloween Like An Adult
Don't be that guy or girl, throwing up in an $85 dollar Spirit Halloween costume.
Like Santa Con, St. Patrick’s Day, and New Year’s, Halloween can be a…bit of an amateur night. Think frat boys, bar crawls, and people throwing up or peeing in street corners. You know how the old saying goes... start drinking in your $85.00 Spirit Halloween costume at 6pm, and by 11pm you’re just a girl standing in front of a carved pumpkin, asking it to love you.
I don’t want you to fall into that trap. Sure, adults might have moved well away from what Halloween is all about—celebrating those that have faithfully departed by knocking on doors and begging your neighbors for sustenance—but that doesn’t mean the magic has to die. Do you know where the magic dies, dear reader? In the bathroom of a dive bar that you’re throwing up in, covered in cotton spiderwebs. I give you some helpful tips below to have a mature and spooky holiday:
1. . Do Not Dress Like An A-Hole
This encompasses a lot. For one, dress for the weather. If it’s going to be 40 degrees on Saturday night, for goodness sakes, please bring a light coat. After all, Halloween is one of the only occasions you can get away with wearing those thick shiny nude tights and nobody thinks you’re 94. So take advantage! Similarly, don’t dress like an a-hole because you’re so uncreative, you spend your money on a racist or offensive costume. If you dress like a Native American princess and you’re only .000005 Cherokee, get your damn head in the game. You didn’t get one of the million memos that that is a dumb ass move? If you had to buy a poncho at RICKY’S because you’re white and have never see one before, move along. Do not go as a bad hombre if your name is Chad McWhiteDude. Do not buy something that has a blow-up doll attached to it. Do not go as a real person who was a victim of a real crime. And for the love of all that is holy, if you are going as someone non-white, if I so much as see you go to the drugstore to buy some kind of foundation to match their skin, I will literally bite your hands off. Do we really have to tell people these things? Yes. Every November 1st, I realize the answer is always yes.
2. . Cool It With The Sugar
Eat dinner. EAT. DINNER. Here’s what doesn’t qualify as dinner: handfuls of candy corn. Jell-O shots. Chex Mix. Rice Krispie Treats in the shape of pumpkins. Almond Joys. All of these will end up in multi-colored vom at 2am. So treat yourself to a real-ass dinner that has protein and carbs and nothing like red dye or gumballs in it. Also! Drink regular drinks. Have one or two Halloween cocktails with Bailey’s and apple cider and schnapps, but then stick to stuff that doesn’t have 2000% of your daily sugar intake a serving. Vodka sodas. Regular beer. And…uh, water never hurt!
3. . Go Somewhere Within Walking Distance
Lyft and Uber are going to have an enormous surge on Friday and Saturday night, which is something you don’t want to realize when it’s 2am and you’re stuck in another neighborhood with a bunch of monsters making out with each other. And it’s not like the subway is going to be much better. The last time I went on the subway on Halloweekend past the decent hours, I saw somebody spitting candy into their mummy costume. It’s not fun. So choose somewhere walkable, so you and your friends can bail at any time. The best parties are ones that have an easy exit, after all.
4. . Don't Spend Too Much Money
Do not waste all your money on this silly holiday. Do not waste your money on bars with cover charges or places that have 15.00 drinks. Do not leave your credit card behind the bar at a crowded place. You will forget it. Don’t even bring your credit card. Just go home when you have 2.00 left in your wallet, which is enough for some pizza and a can of soda.
5. . Stay Home
I mean…stay home. Get together with some friends and slap on Hocus Pocus and drink some pumpkin beers. Buy some dry ice and leave food out on your counter so all the rats and spiders come out. Very spooky! Don’t forget—you can still wear black lipstick and fishnets, just do it in the confines of your own home. Sure, you might miss out on crowds, people shoving you in crowds, bathroom lines, and 36 renditions of The Monster Mash. But at least you’ll have…happiness, money, and The Sanderson Sisters.