It’s almost spring break! Every time I say spring break, a plastic neon glass with a flamingo on it is sacrificed to some coed who doesn’t know what bills are yet. It’s pretty cool! Do you remember your spring breaks in college? You pack a tote bag full of bathing suits, a curling iron, and some warm beer bottles and you spend the week doing things like “being young” and “not washing your face.” If you’re a college student, then you don’t need me to tell you how to have a great spring break. You’re already living in a pristine bubble of youth: you can drink a few glasses of wine without waking up to scaly lizard skin and a migraine, you have money that goes to things besides bills and rent and weddings, and you’re so darn good at Vine. You don’t want my help! I’d just suck out your soul with my old, scaly mouth, much like a dementor would. However, us crusty people, well-past the prime of our life, relegated to our limited joys—vacation days, talking about The Bachelor, and reading think pieces about not having children—are still allowed to go on spring break vacations. We are allowed to do fun things, too. Get off our lawn, kids! It’s spring break for adults! If you’re planning on taking a trip this March or April, here are some pointers on how to have a stress-free vacation:
1. . Plan Everything Before You Leave
Half the fun of any vacation is thinking about the vacation for months. It is utter bliss when what you’re doing at work is taking notes on your phone, like: call the bank and tell them your travel dates or buy flip-flops! It is so nice to have something to look forward to in a world full of things that nobody looks forward to. So plan for weeks. Hold onto this happiness, for it is fleeting. Think carefully about the things you need. Go buy yourself some stupid turquoise necklace that you would never wear in real life, but would wear in a place that serves tiki drinks. Write things down, like how many pairs of underwear you might need (always extra, especially if you are going someplace humid) or the number of the cab company from the airport. Fill up Post-Its with worthless vacation information. Just write the date of your vacation on different Post-Its. Look up restaurants and queue up your out of office message the week before and live in pre-vacation ecstasy. Because when you come back, it’s all over, buddy. There’s nothing worse than post-vacation sadness. So live it up while you can, and be prepared with the correct amount of socks.
2. . Don't Think About All The Bad Things That Could Happen
Hotels get overbooked. Flights, too. You could sit next to someone holding a screeching baby on your flight. There could be turbulence. Planes are potential death boxes. Your hotel room could smell musty and the hot water could be turned off at any moment. The people next to you in the hotel could be loud. The rental car you got could be different from the one you ordered. The resort food could get you sick. It could rain, or be cold. You could get into a fight with your significant other. There is no shortage of awful things that might go wrong on vacation. But don’t think about them. It’s not worth it. Don’t let any of those things keep you up at night. Don’t go over them in your head for hours and hours, obsessing over them. Really. Don’t do it!
3. . Treat Yourself
Ah, the familiar motto of our generation.
This is a marathon of treating yourself. Do I really need to tell you to treat yourself at this point? Aren't we just treating ourselves at any mere utter of the word treat, like a bunch of wagging dogs? Sure, I could say "eat food in gluttonous proportions and drink to your little liver's content." But that's what you did last week at brunch, and what you will do on Wednesday because the week is hard and you're bored. In real life, we treat ourselves at practically every term. Just mutter the word “treat yourself” and your friend will put a down payment on a designer bag, or eat a feed bag full of ice cream, or get a manicure over another manicure. So why stop now? Keep doing that, but in a different place.
4. . Do Not Go Near Young People
Do not go to any vacation spot that could have real spring breakers. Don't go to the Keys, or Cancun. They will be there in tiny little neon outfits, and they will ruin your entire trip, leaping around the beaches like a bunch of sirens that hashtag. They will remind you that you’re not on vacation from your responsibilities, and that you forgot to pay your credit card bill and now there’s a late fee. They will remind you that your significant other is the only person you’re allowed to kiss. They will remind you that your life is 25% over, at the very least. They will also throw up everywhere, scream constantly, do weird school chants, and spend too much time visibly chugging things. They will be sticky and smell. This is a lose-lose situation, for all of us. So keep it to wine bars or Alaskan cruises or something.
5. . Wear Sunscreen
Not wearing sunscreen can literally kill you. Your weird lobster body is not a good look, either. You are an adult. Be responsible.
6. . Turn Your Phone Off
Are you really checking Instagram right now? Seriously? You pay a hot grand on a weekend away from your real life and you’re sitting around, reading articles about Bernie Sanders? Put your phone in the hotel safe and start looking around with your eyes, which is the most beautiful Insta Filter of all!
I’m kidding. Who cares!! Take a million pictures and annoy all your friends by filling up their Facebook feed with them. If you went on vacation and people didn’t see you drinking a tropical beverage, did you really go? Well, did you?!