It’s spring again, which means that the ground will thaw, the birds will start chirping, and everybody will begin thinking about getting a haircut. Talking and thinking about cutting your hair is a big part of the rituals of spring, right after telling people your opinion on Cadbury eggs and pretending that you need new floral clothing. It is a reinvention without doing something stupid like working out and the cheapest way to revamp your look. However, most people have unusual attachments to their hair. Perhaps because we are shallow monsters who are as attached to dead cells as we are to fake Marilyn Monroe quotes. Perhaps it’s because society has made us these beauty-obsessed monsters. Or maybe it’s because we can’t control anything in our lives except for the things that are physically on our bodies, which isn’t even always true! I don’t know! We are obsessed with haircuts! If you’re thinking about getting the big chop-chop this spring, consider the stages of a haircut. It’s a process, for sure. I have outlined them below:
1. . Tell All Your Friends
If you get a haircut without telling any of your pals about it beforehand, did you really get it at all? Of course you did! But that absolutely doesn’t stop us from doing it anyway. Casually mention it to a friend during coffee or dinner. See how she reacts. Most of the time, she will react in the following ways: indifference, violent screaming, a compliment on your current haircut being nice, a suggestion on a haircut she will like to see, or a complete u-turn on the convo to tell you the haircut she is thinking of getting. Ignore the suggestions--they are most likely unflattering and awful because your friend secretly wants to see you burn. But it’s still an important discussion to have: once you put the haircut energy out in the world, you will begin the process of cutting the hair. It begins with a declaration, even before the scissors come out. It is good to cut the hair. You shouldn’t hold onto the same haircut forever, or else you will be like Real Housewife Lisa Rinna. You don’t want to be Real Housewife Lisa Rinna when you can be Lisa Vanderpump, who also has had the same haircut for many years. I don’t know. You’re not a Real Housewife, or else somebody would be at your mansion cutting your hair now, and you would have more than 100 bucks in your bank account. So forget it.
2. . Look Up Lobs Online
Now that you have made the declarative statement, it’s time to start researching haircuts to get. There are only three haircut options: minivan mom, the long bob, or no haircut at all. You know you will eventually, no matter how hard you fight, look up lobs online as a haircut option. You will immerse yourself in photos of Alexa Chung and Keira Knightley and Gabrielle Union. You will spend hours Google Imaging haircuts, trying desperately to find the perfect lob that doesn’t have bangs, which is almost impossible. You will fall down a deep, horrifying rabbithole of lobs, the haircut that has stood the test of time and will never go out of style and will follow us around, listless and eternal. When the world finally ends, the only things that will emerge untouched are cockroaches and long bob haircuts.
3. . Think About Canceling The Appointment
Maybe it’s not the time to get a haircut at all. What if it looks bad, or at least slightly worse than my scraggly dead ends? Maybe I shouldn’t be spending the money. Maybe I should go vegan instead. Maybe I should just spend 400 dollars on an attempt to dye my hair a grandmother silver lilac unicorn color. It would look like I dipped it into a magical ocean, filled with grannies. What if my hair never grows back? What if my haircut leads to a Final Destination type death with scissors and a blowdryer? What if I just moved to the remote mountains, no longer influenced by beauty standards and the Internet? What if I DIE with a bad haircut?
4. . Feel An Intense Wave of Uncontrollable Emotions
Once you actually get the haircut, you will become one of two kinds of mystical people: La Llorona, the legendary and inconsolable weeping woman, or Narcissus, the hunter who fell in love with his own reflection. But nobody will know just by looking at your Instagram selfie, which will either feature your new brave, hideous face or the face of a person who has not stopped staring at themselves for the past hour. Whatever! Just rack in those likes, baby—those menial numbers that mean so much to us in this fleeting life.
5. . Immediately Talk About Growing It Out
Whenever anybody says anything about your haircut, just respond with a “thanks, I’m going to grow it out!” This isn’t advice, I’m just telling you what I know you’ll do anyway. People love taking compliments about their hair with a hearty “listen to my new, future plans for my hair.” And after getting a big chop, most people will start planning their foray into long, long hair. I’m talking “Big Love” hair. I’m talking “sit on it” hair. Get a haircut, then let it grow so long, you can bury yourself in it. At least until next spring!