The party is over. That’s right. The kids these days are so caught up in swiping right on Tinder and finding their perfect selfie angles that they don’t want to socialize in real life. Blah blah blah thank you New York Times.
That said, rampant, unrelenting dinner party Instagram foodie culture is the death of parties, and a millenial-ish byproduct of the digital age. Or, people can’t have parties because of the terrible PRESSURE to serve only the most delectable food and drink. That’s right. Apparently, everyone is friends with chefs like Eric Ripert and Anthony Bourdain. One young woman said she stopped having Christmas parties because of crazy dietary expectations of her guests who are used to “spreads of gluten-free sprouted crackers.“ She complains, “It took me four days to make all the food, and I put a huge amount of pressure on myself.” That poor thing! What happened to the days of opening up a bag of nacho cheese Doritos and a can of partially-hydrogenated French onion dip and calling it a day? At your age, your arteries need that trans fat to keep going.
Millennials are apparently all liquor connoisseurs and sommeliers. The girl interviewed says, her friends have top-shelf tastes. “Now it’s bourbon — and not just any bourbon but Woodford Reserve. And where I live, it’s all about craft beer. You bring your own growler.” Don’t worry unrefined friends, I had no idea what a growler is. From Google images, it’s basically a douchebag way to say “beer holder.” So, I guess keg stands aren’t in anymore?
I went to a school with a big Greek life and then moved to New York City. I’ve been to parties with celebrities and nobodies and if I’ve learned anything, it’s that partying in your 20s is supposed to be fun. It’s not about who has the culinary degree from Le Cordon Bleu or who blew her paycheck to impress. I’ve had amazing nights with red cups and beer pong just as much as when the Ace of Spades was flowing. You have the rest of your life to be a stuffy bore—and worry about your liver.
Get out of your head, get some friends and get drunk off cheap vodka. You and your hangover will thank me tomorrow.