Episode 3 Recap: Bridesmaid Wars

Hey kidz—

We all know that the job market is very competitive these days. But do you want to know what is MUCH harder than getting a job? Being picked to be the maid of honor in Emily’s wedding! Let’s discuss this week’s episode of Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas, shall we?

Emily, a Texas native, is the bride-to-be. She has so many wonderful friends who love her so much that they are willing to travel to Las Vegas for a crazy bachelorette party. But surprise—three of them are desperate to be chosen as the maid of honor, especially Kristin. Jamie and Dawn are more laidback about it, but Kristin has her claws out and she’s ready to rumble. She keeps pretending it’s all about Emily, but you know she has her eye on the prize, which is to spend thousands of dollars on parties and presents and ugly dresses! Watch out b*tches!

The ladies arrive in Vegas. The Palms VIP team Jon, JROC, Elliot (who is adorable and British and belongs at Harvard as a visiting grad student), and trusty assistant Erin are planning a Texas-themed weekend because Emily is a Texas girl! Just like home! They girls squeal when they see their suite. We have cowboys! Stuffed horses! Stripper poles in the shower! Very Texas!

Kristin, the devious and sneaky maid of honor wannabe, suggests playing a game to see who knows Emily the best. The winner gets a bedazzled flask and tickets to see Sugarland . . . with Emily! Because this is all about Emily! During the game, we learn what is Emily’s favorite thing to do: her fiancé Jeremy! Stay classy Em! The game heats up when Emily names Jamie as the person most likely to annoy her. Yup, she didn’t just travel to Vegas for your bachelorette party! An upset Jamie leaves the game but is declared the winner anyway in order to make peace. You can’t have an angry bridesmaid, especially an angry single one, which is what Jamie is. You know she’s jealous and might cut your hair in your sleep or give a drunken speech at the wedding.

It’s time to go out! JROC takes them to a country and western bar where they hop on stage with the band, Whiskey Dawn. Afterwards, they go to another nightclub where they meet hot South African rugby players. “I love South Africans!” cries (an engaged) Kristin. “You need to meet my friend. It’s her bachelorette party!” Riiiiiight. Because hot South African rugby players really want to spend an evening in Vegas with a woman who is about to get married. Maybe they can play Scrabble!

The rugby players show up at the suite. Emily is passed out in the bathtub. Kristin puts her to bed. She’s all, and I paraphrase, “I’m the best friend ever because I’m the one who watches Emily and my poop is gold and I sweat diamonds and I really deserve to be the maid of honor because none of these other b*tches care about Emily!”

Kristin returns to party with the rest of the gang. One of the rugby players plants a quick kiss on her mouth. A peck, really. But Kristin clutches her pearls. She points to her engagement ring and kicks them out. Man, what a Debbie Downer. I thought you loved South Africans. Boo, Kristin. Team Jamie!

The girls sleep in the next day and then it’s time for her double dare bridal shower. Emily must perform a challenge before she opens up each one of her presents. She asks for a dude’s boxers, and she makes a guy jump in the pool. Her final gift is a room key which leads to a suite where Jon, JROC, and Elliot are all dressed up as Speedy Gonzalez. Her friends reveal the big surprise: a honeymoon to Cancun. Which THEY paid for. Because you’re never too old for spring break, even if you are 30! Man, I better never be a bridesmaid if that’s the new protocol. Mama can barely afford good cable, let alone a trip for her friend!

The girls party on their final night. There is no puking. Impressive! The next morning Emily gathers all her friends around her to reveal who won the role of maid of honor. Jamie and Dawn give Kristin the side-eye. But Emily switches it up. She’s not going to have a maid of honor! Or even bridesmaids! She thinks the tradition is stupid! “I don’t want to have to worry about your feelings. My wedding day is about me.” Way harsh, Emily. These b*tches just bought you a trip to Cancun because you couldn’t afford a honeymoon. They certainly care about your feelings!

In the end, everyone hugs and they say goodbye to Jon, JROC, and Elliot. Where is Emily?!? She’s like the little sister that was on the first few seasons of Family Matters but then just disappeared. Come back Emily!

Until next week when a new crazy bride to be is revealed—I am signing off!


Liz Out Loud
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