BGC 14 Episode 3 Recap: Birthday Ho-Down

Go girls, it's your birthday.

By Eric Shorey

Tensions in the house remain high as the Clermont Twins refuse to clean up after their dogs. Lauren has already found herself stepping in sh*t, which is probably also a metaphor for her relationships in the house.

See, it turns out that Jela's paranoiac suspicions about Lauren's meddling and drama-starting were actually founded. Lauren blatently admits that she's been instigating fights out of boredom. Once again, I appreciate the honesty, but this plan will surely backfire when someone pops her in the mouth.

Jela lectures the housemates on Lauren's ambitions. I certainly appreciate a boss b*tch, but Jas is unimpressed. As bored as Jas is by Jela, Lauren is by Kat, who mistakes Lauren for someone trustworthy. While #TeamClerminah goes shopping (“The other girls won't be be able to afford it,” says Jela, chillin' in the shade), Kat is busy confronting another trust issue and calls her girlfriend to pick a fight over something her boo did in a dream.

Kat had previously seemed like the most mature person in the house, but her subconscious got the best of her. “I wouldn't have dreamed it if it meant nothing,” she says confidently and completely incorrectly. Lauren and Jas smell weakness like a lion stalking a deer and try to prompt Kat to misbehave at a strip club to get back at her girlfriend. While they get ready to go out, Kat tries to explain the situation to Tina, who would rather look in the mirror than listen. “I'm so cute,” she says confidently and completely correctly.

Lauren and Jas's strip club gambit doesn't pay off. Kat maintains her sleepy composure while the other girls turn up too hard. Tina manages to dance while eating potato chips, which is quite an impressive skill.

Lauren, who is ostensibly an adult, expresses disappointment upon learning that the strippers aren't all nude--she wanted to compare her vagina to other girls'. Her comment is reality-shatteringly strange so I'm going to pretend it didn't happen to maintain my own sanity.

The next day Lauren and Jas plot (rather maliciously) to get Kat kicked out. Luckily, their plan involves cunning and not violence, but it seems rather mean-spirited either way. That plan has to be put on hold for a little because IT'S THE TWINS BIRTHDAY! AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE YELLING! THE REST OF THIS EPISODE IS BASICALLY ON CAPS LOCK! I'll spare you the headache of reading everything in a raised voice, but these girls certainly have a penchant for howling.

The third Clermont sister arrives to help celebrate and damn is she fine. For the moment, her beauty allows #TeamEveryoneElse to ignore whatever strife occurred in the past and turn up.

The twins strut around the house in the skimpiest lingerie imaginable. Say what you want about their attitudes, but those girls known how to walk, and suddenly they're treating every hallway of the mansion like a runway. Unfortunately, all that beauty doesn't seem to be paired with too much brains. The Clermont Twins are like some kind of gorgeous cliche-spouting fembots. All legs and no logic.

This becomes even more evident when the girls pour all the alcohol they have into two cups. The twins eagerly shoot the toxic sludge, and from the way they react they might as well have swallowed ipecac. Partying is clearly in the Clermont DNA (or robot programming) so the girls suddenly seem fine when the strippers arrive.

I'm not here to slut-shame Lauren like Jela did. Girl may be a sh*t starter but she's got some serious game. She manages to snag a smooch from one of the strippers, much to the chagrin of the rest of the house.

The next day, Jela has a fit over some dirty dishes. Apparently The Jela Show is about housecleaning and Miss 'Minah is ready to have it cancelled. She calls a house meeting to reprimand her roommates for their slovenly behaviors. None of them are interested in doing a better job about the mess. “I leave dishes in the sink and let your b*tch a*s clean up,” says Lauren, particularly incredulous.

The Clermont birthday continues as the girls go for massages. They wind up in a potentially sticky situation (disgusting pun intended) when they discover one of the masseuses has a foot fetish.

Luckily, it looks like a pop-off between Jela and Lauren begins to distract us from the potential paraphilia plot line. This time, the rivals are fighting about nail clippers. Yup! Really! Nail clippers! No fists are thrown but this tension can't last much longer.

The girls all somehow manage to put everything aside (again) to celebrate the twins birthday (again). Lauren gets a little too drunk at the club, which seems to be a recurring pattern. In the van on the way home she drops a pretty serious N-bomb while rapping the lyrics to a song. All the girls are pretty angry at her, although the twins' reaction (“Know your place, peasant!”) is particularly hilarious.

Over a box of Dominos eaten on the floor (girl, we've all been there) Jela confronts Lauren to let her know that she's crossed a line.

The conversation quickly escalates from a discussion on racial slurs to something more angry. These girls have pretty much had it with each other and our episode ends right as violence erupts.

Sneak peek next Tuesday's new episode:

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