Drake vs. Meek Mill ain't got nothing on BGC 14. We start off the new season with an unapologetically epic view of our newest Bad Girls.
Before we even learn their names, we're flashing forward to a big fight. A policeman interrogates three girls outside of the house. They're telling a tragic tale of territoriality. While some girls were turning up at the club, the others were turning over mattresses and suitcases (and dumping them into the yard). Behold: visions of future pop offs!
Now stop it, flip it, and reverse it. Three weeks earlier the gang is just arriving in Hollywood to start their #blessed Bad Girl journey. We're first introduced to Lauren who indelicately refers to herself as “Honey Boo Boo's hot a*s cousin.” That southern charm will get her far on this show, I'm sure. Next up is Jasmine, who straight up admits “I have a really bad f*cking attitude.” Jasmine: your honesty has earned you a place in my heart. Lauren tries to make nice with Jasmine by sharing her drink but warns her, “you don't even know me yet." The suggestion that swapping spit could spread diseases does not go unnoticed.
Enter: Kat, who already has a BGC tat before even being cast on the show. The thirst is real, readers. Kat explains that she's been looking for a big change from her lifestyle of partying and fighting, but girl, even with the life coach you'll have to work super hard for self improvement on this show.
Elsewhere, we're introduced to Jela, who not-so-subtly states that she's interested in dating anyone “if you got a good checkbook.” Guess that puts this writer out of the running, but I appreciate her entrepreneurial spirit. Jela comes with a whole bevy of emotional problems (some kind of mommy complex and complicated trust issues) so she'll do great on this show. She gets paired up with Shannon, who rattles off pretty much every BGC cliché there is: “All the bitches wanna be me and all the men want me “ and “I'm sweet 'til you get on my bad side” and all that jazz.
Shannon seems to have two loving parents and a lot of money, so she is either making it until the end or getting kicked off next week. Shannon and Jela get along because, in Shannon's words, Jela is “gorgeous and wears high heels.” Hey, that's a good formula for friendship.
Next up we have Tina, who, despite being a blabbermouth, remains quiet for most of the episode. Tina admits she never liked school—and girl, we can tell. Anyway, she seems fun!
The two groups of girls unite at the house, at which point they realize they are totally locked the f*ck out. A creepy bearded riddle-telling bartender suggests that the keys are in the pool and Jela dives in to assert her dominance over the house.
Her repetition of the phrase “It's the Jela show!” irks her roommates, who realize that no, this is not actually the Jela show. Jela doesn't have her own show (yet).
Entering the house the girls scream incessantly, which is not good for the hangover I have while writing this, please be quiet.
Anyway, the portraits of each Bad Girl are back, which has never not been a source of contention (can't wait for that). A blank space reveals one more secret girl is coming and Shannon smiles knowingly. Of course, anyone who watched the trailer realizes that Shannon's twin sister will be entering the house soon, and making an entrance is certainly something Shannade excels at.
Walking in with two dyed yorkies (oh, Jesus, is it OK for dogs to be that color? Someone call the ASPCA?!) Shannade and Shannon pose like Sailor Moon characters and knowingly proclaim their dominance over the mansion.
The girls decide to have their first night out (sans twins, who are not yet 21) and Lauren does the saddest drunk white girl dance I've ever seen while preparing for their night of debauchery.
The girls are having an OK time, but Lauren's drinking has already gotten the best of her. The girls put her in the van while they settle the bill, not taking what might be a possibly dangerous statement from Lauren very seriously: “I'm gunna drown but I don't give a damn, I'm going to swim in the pool,” she proclaims. Well, I like her determination.
While this is happening, the twins decide to mess with the aforementioned portraits and reveal their lack of reading skills by mispronouncing every other word. The two dogs are the only ones getting it in tonight, it seems. The rest of the ladies return home and attempt to shepherd Lauren to bed.
“She's just excited!” says Jas. That's a great excuse, and the next time I'm sloppy-a*s drunk I will be using it. Jas seems to be on Lauren's team already, despite her antics. “That girl is white ratchet and I like it,” says Jas. Other girls are less enthused about Lauren's imbibing, but Lauren's defense is impenetrable: “I was being sloppy but don't call me drunk, that's not nice,” she says. You know what, fair enough. We'll call this exit out of the van "sloppy" not "drunk."
The next day, someone steals Kat's cigarettes. Except, actually, no one stole them, they were just misplaced under a towel. Jas decides to put on her Nancy Drew cap and investigate this non-crime. “I live for drama,” she says as she starts sh*t. She calls a house meeting and proceeds to yell at every house member (Kat included, somehow) about the magical moving smokes.
But Jela is having none of it, and rightfully so.
Somehow, during this altercation, the twins challenge Lauren to answer some simple math questions to prove how dumb she is. This is an immature move, but what's more immature is that Lauren doesn't know what 2 x 2 is.
No one is having any of it and everyone leaves feeling angry. Later, Jas offers an apology for overreacting. Jela accepts, but only after giving her a stern “come to Jesus” talking to.
Despite the drama, the girls decide to go out again. While putting on her makeup, Lauren reveals that she used to be a big drug user until her brother died from an overdose. The girls surmise that she probably drinks now instead of taking drugs, which means I no longer can make fun of her for what could be a drinking problem. Good for you for getting clean Lauren, but, girl, maybe stay away from the bottle.
In the van on the way home, Jela and Lauren get into it. Jela has been bothered by Lauren from the start, and a discussion of racial politics isn't helping. Lauren tries the whole “you're being racist [against white people]” thing (never a good look) when Jela claims that she only ever wants to marry a black man. I appreciate Lauren's intention to slut across the racial rainbow, but maybe save any discussion on race for when you're not intoxicated. Or on The Bad Girls Club.
Right before things really pop off, the credits role, leaving us bloodthirsty for next week's brawl.
Watch a sneak peek of next week's episode here:
Tune in to BGC: Back For More Tuesdays at 8/7c!