5 Foods To Never Order At A Restaurant

If your argument is "that's what I'm craving," then okay-- throw your money in the garbage! 

By Alida Nugent

I like to dine out in restaurants fairly often. Perhaps it’s because I can’t afford a vacation and find solace in the little luxury of plopping myself face-first into a bowl of fresh pasta somebody else made for me. Or perhaps I can’t afford a vacation because I spend too much money on fresh pasta! Whatever the case, I cannot read another list on why I should travel before I’m 30. I get it-- travel! But what if traveling, to me, is walking to a pizza joint and getting marinara sauce all over myself like a naughty dog? Am I still deserving of my millennial title? Of course.

Kids my age are just itching to talk about whatever stupid dumpling they ate today, or how they ate a gnocchi that transcended time and space. I never said I was special or unique. I just love stuffing my face! However, if you don’t obsess about restaurants as much as I do, you might be led astray with some of the things you are tempted to order. You can make big mistakes this way! A restaurant menu has a variety of things that seem tempting, but are often a waste of money and precious calories. Don’t be a rookie. Make every restaurant experience a magical one. Here are the foods you should never order at a restaurant: 

1. . Pasta Primavera

Pasta primavera is an offense to every vegetable lover in the world. Now, before you start puffing up like a marshmallow and going “Meat! You should always order meat! Every meal should have MEAT!” I want to tell you: shut up. If you think that you need to consume animal flesh for every meal in order for it to be a successful one, your taste buds are boring and unadventurous. We get it: you want to make love to bacon. Nobody cares about your tiny mind and your lack of interest in trying new things.

I love vegetarian dishes. Creative and unique vegetable dishes are some of the best meals out there. And it’s springtime! Ramps and artichokes and chives and asparagus are some of the best veggies out there, and now they are in season. But nothing is worse than screwing them up by putting them in primavera. It’s why people think vegetarian dishes suck. Garlicky, overcooked pasta in a barely sauced dish, dotted with overcooked carrots, squash, and broccoli. It’s uninspired. It’s awful. It’s frozen. It’s a wedding dish. If the restaurant you’re at is so far behind in offering normal vegetarian dishes, just get drunk and eat the bread. It’s far better than eating something that Lean Cuisine could match in taste.

2. . Eggs Your Way

If they were "eggs your way," you would make them yourself. Countless times, I've seen brunch enthusiasts fall victim to a $14.00 plate of two eggs, toast, bacon, and a side salad. Why? You could go home and make this--which you almost never do, because it’s not that great. There are millions of better breakfast options than the lowly "eggs your way". If your argument is “it’s what I’m craving,” then okay-- throw your money in the garbage! Or If you’re too hungover to order a real meal, stay home and drink Pedialyte. Making eggs in a pan is a basic human skill, and one we shouldn’t have to pay other people to do for us, unless we’re like, Victoria Beckham.

3. . Avocado Toast

Avocado Toast is a nonsense dish to order and you all know it. I don’t care that your favorite Instagram lifestyle blogger posts pics of it inbetween other posts of them begging you to turn on notifications. They can shove it in a green juice, put it in their waist trainer, and send it straight to hell. It’s a dumb thing to pay for at a restaurant. First of all, every ingredient is listed in the name of it. There’s so little romance or surprise or intrigue, it’s practically the Marley & Me of the food world. Second of all, it’s never made to your liking. Why? Because it never comes with enough avocado! It never has enough of the thing that makes up 50% of the dish ingredients! GO HOME, get like 36 avocados, smear them all over yourself and a piece of bread, and go ham on it. Avocados cost $1.00 in any bodega and like, .02 cents in California. You can afford to live like a king in your avocado toast home.

4. . Flatbread Pizza

If you order a flatbread pizza at a restaurant, make no mistake: you wanted pizza and you should have gone to a restaurant that had it. Flatbread Pizza is a stupid way to tell people that they don’t get enough pizza orders to make real dough. It’s like pizza, because it has pizza toppings, but the only difference is that it’s not. You’re not getting any health benefits by eating the flatbread, it’s just not as good. It’s like ordering a sandwich with their signature “worst bread”. Stay away!

5. . Hummus Plates At Places That Serve Burgers

Who gets like, super excited at the idea of a hummus plate at a restaurant that doesn’t specialize in hummus? You can go to some amazing Middle Eastern or Greek or Israeli place that serves creamy delicious housemade hummus with olive oil and fresh pita and labne and olives and salad, and have a feast. Or you can go to a burger place and ask your table: do you want to split a small bowl of storebought hummus that comes with two unheated pita pockets, a handful of baby carrots, and a few celery stalks? Maybe some canned black olives, if you’re lucky? And it will be awful. Hastily thrown together hummus plates are in insult to how incredible hummus should be. Wait for the real stuff.

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