Everybody went bonkers a few days ago when Queen Beyoncé released Lemonade, a one-hour music video that asserted her incredible talent…andddd also alluded that her husband, Jay-Z, cheated on her. All of us then went solemnly back in time to the now infamous elevator fight, and the rumor that Solange went to bat for her big sis because of his alleged affair with fashion designer Rachel Roy. With Beyoncé’s nod, we’re picking up where we left off! It’s all true! The horror!
However, some of the internet, or at least the part of the Internet that isn’t too good with vowels, pointed not towards Roy, but to celebrity chef Rachael Ray as the Becky in question. You know who she is! Your mom has her cookbook buried somewhere! This definitely isn’t true. Celebrity Chef Rachael Ray in no way had anything to do with any part of Jay-Z’s marriage, except for that one time he and Beyoncé woke up in the kitchen. But what if she did? Because the internet is full of dumb speculation and even dumber things, here is an imagined conversation between Rachael and Jay-Z.
INT/EXT DINING ROOM. DUSK
Rachael Ray is standing by the stovetop, mixing cream cheese with shredded cheddar. It's a hideous blob, frightening for his eyes, and the mixture is making the kind of noise one makes when they are gagging.
Jay Z: That looks disgusting!
Rachael: But it’s SO easy! This is Food Network, baby, where you can mix any kind of cheese with another kind of cheese and call it a dinner!
Jay Z: Please don’t make enchiladas again. I’ve stayed in the finest places in Mexico. I've had crab legs handed to me by the crabs themselves. I've had queso fundido that was just melted gold. It’s disrespectful to that entire country to make Mexican food like you do. I didn't even know you could get crab meat in cans. Doesn't feel right.
Rachael: If it's in a can, I'm a fan!
Rachael is adding oil to a large pan, talking to an imaginary audience
Rachael: EVOO! Nothing like EVOO!
Money falls from the sky in the form of one-dollar bills. She’s trademarked the letters!
More money continues to fall from the sky. This time in 100 dollar bills, because Jay-Z is much richer. The author begins to hate herself deeply for even writing this.
Jay-Z: So what's for dinner? I got 99 problems and being hungry is one of them. I've also got a couple of problems related to my taxes...I'm a little nervous about getting audited. Also, I'd love to be able to finish Scandal tonight, but I'm worried about what Shonda Rhimes has in store for me. She can be brutal!
Rachael Ray: It's easy 30 minute Chicken Alfredo, a dish that uses Greek Yogurt instead of heavy cream, which the kids will never notice! Kids are stupid! It also cuts the calories in this dish in half, and also the chicken is nuggets!
Jay-Z: Sounds amazing, baby. I am definitely happy I decided to have an affair with you, celebrity chef Rachael Ray, who can turn anything frozen into a gourmet meal. What do you have to drink?
END SCENE/WRITING CAREER OF AUTHOR