Although it feels like we’ve been watching the 2016 Presidential Election since we were born, and that there is no BEFORE or AFTER, only DURING, I have to believe it will eventually end. It’ll end, right? There’s no way we can sustain life on this Earth with the amount of hot air these people are filling themselves with. We will all die like the polar bears and the bees, whose deaths I used to want to prevent but I now feel like they’re going to a better place—a place without Ben Carson sleepily performing brain surgery on a horrifyingly large amount of children. Where is that world?
Can we get the world back where I’ve never watched a video of John Kasich slurping soup, or a video of Hillary Clinton dabbing, or a video of Ted Cruz eating a crumb off his face during a GOP debate? This just seems like a grotesque comedy, one that could end with a president who used to be a game show host/steak salesman and will now use those skills to…blow up the planet? I don’t know. I just want this to end. But when it finally does, what will happen? Where will the pieces of destruction fall? Who will we become when the 2016 election is finally over, and a new era of blood reign and doom falls upon us? I predict below:
1. . Ted Cruz Will Have To Go Back To His Home Planet...
Ted Cruz isn’t here for much longer. His overlords set him up with all the things he needed to become the president, finally allowing an alien in the white house who can secretly begin the human harvest. They got him into Harvard Law. They got him into the Senate. They gave him all the qualifications..and for what? Everybody’s just massively creeped out by the dude. Sure, skin suits aren’t that easy to construct, but you think you could have created one who’s very smile doesn't send chills down your spine? Maybe that’s on them. All I know is they’re gonna beam Cruz back up once he loses the primary, and he’s gonna get a massive scolding.
2. . ...But He Won't And Then The Police Will Begin To Receive Coded Letters
Don’t underestimate that sneaky Ted Cruz. He’s managed to go pretty far for someone who doesn’t eat real food, and just learned to breathe in this planet’s ecosystem. He won’t go without a fight. In fact, I think he’ll manage to hide underground for a while, perhaps try some new things, like hugging or experiencing human touch in a genuine way. And then a few years will go by, and all of a sudden the police will start to get these coded letters, berating them for alluding a mass murderer once more. Is the Zodiac Killer back? Of course he’s back! Did you ever think that we couldn’t crack his code because it was…an alien language? Think about it!
3. . Bernie Sanders Will Still Break Up The Banks...
If Bernie Sanders doesn’t win the primaries, you don’t really think Bernie Sanders is going to stop breaking up the banks, do you? Nah, man. When you were born to do something, you do it. Bernie Sanders has been catfishing these banks for months…sending them sexy pictures from various kik accounts, telling them he’s just a corporation looking to get into some trouble. Why would a little thing like not becoming president stop him from his massive, mean girl plan of breaking up all the banks. These banks are going to break up! Their relationships are going to crumble! They will be single before you know it!
4. . ...And Finally Complete His Time Machine
Another thing that Bernie Sanders has been working on is creating a time machine. He’s got that crazy scientist, Doc Brown-working-as-a-college-professor thing going on and I’m not mad at it. You know this guy’s house is full of leather briefcases, filled with yellowing notes about time machines. He’s going to go home, have a Eureka moment, and time machine his way into the presidency. Before he does that, he will time machine into a small diner in Bethesda where he forgot to get his doggy bag on the way out. He’s got a few plans.
5. . Hillary Clinton Will Fall Off A Stage Dancing
This is just a complete lock. Whether she’s president or not, she is going to end up on Beyonce’s stage or a Coachella stage, and she is going to accidentally fall off it. She’ll be fine. She was just a little too enthusiastic.
6. . Your Facebook Friends Will Have To Look Inward
You might wonder why I didn’t mention the most famously hated Presidential candidate of all. For one thing, every time I say his name, he grows in power. And it’s not like he’ll change at all. Whether he becomes President or not, he’ll still pretend like he’s President, sitting on a large throne of ties and steaks and weird comments about his daughter until he becomes a talking skeleton. It doesn’t matter. But the ones who will change the most after this election? Your awful Facebook friends who find life and purpose putting up misinformed articles and memes from conservative websites, or getting into six hour arguments about whether or not Hillary Clinton panders, or spending most of their time screaming their opinions at people on a website primarily used to post engagement photos and dog videos. It is those people who will need to fill the gaping holes in their lives. I wish them luck.