Hey kidz, what’s cooking? Another week has gone by and with it another episode of everyone’s favorite new show Brooklyn 11223, or as I like to call it Why Fugeddabout Something that Happened Several Years Ago?
Let’s begin with something shocking: Christie is still mad at Joey Lynn, who may (or may not!) have slept with Christie’s ex-boyfriend Roberto years ago. It is amazing to me that a borough of New York City with over 2 million residents is more small town than the actual small town where I grew up in suburban Boston, but that’s just the way they roll in the 11223. We go to an Italian dinner at Carla’s house where she tells her family all what happened at the beach. Her brother Marco is all, Joey Lynn is a skank. I took her to my senior prom and she hooked up with another guy! And I honestly wouldn’t blame her because he is a grown man wearing a soccer jersey and I bet he made even worse fashion choices in high school.
The night falls and it is time to party! Joey Lynn’s crew is headed to Club Amnesia. Judging from some of the outfits that the club-goers are wearing I would probably want amnesia to forget about the evening too. Christie’s crew, meanwhile, goes to a flashy house party. Christie’s boyfriend Matthew, so righteous with his beautiful eyes and ever-present cigarette dangling from his lips, wants to confront Nick about what he said about Christie at the glass shop. Christie tells Matt to leave it alone because she doesn’t want any dramz. I mean, Nick is the mayor and there is no point in going against such a powerful man. She has an ulcer, goddamnit, and doesn’t need any extra aggravation!
A day (or two or three) passes and we visit Joey Lynn at the Cheers of Brooklyn, No Quarter Tavern, where everyone knows your name (and your drink) because you are there all the time. Joey Lynn explains that she not only lives with her mom but she also works with her. She whines about the lack of privacy and how she doesn’t want to be bartending when she grows up, but it looks like a good deal to me. I mean she is always surrounded by the Jameson she seems to like so much!
The sun sets and it is time to ring the night in! Angelina goes to the Blue Zoo Lounge with one of her BFFs and another member of Christie’s crew, Kelly, who she refers to as the “black Barbie of Brooklyn.” Perhaps not how I would describe her, but she IS wearing a cheap necklace that spells out “Barbie” so there you go. I imagine she got it at one of the arcades on the Coney Island boardwalk but who am I to judge? On their way out of the bar they stumble upon Valona and Amanda, members of Joey Lynn’s crew. They proceed to shout and make empty threats, but then Amanda’s brother (who is kind of cute) breaks it up. Phew. The next day Amanda and Valona repeat what happened to Joey Lynn, and she’s all, Kelly is such a jooch. What is a “jooch”, you ask? If you guessed a big vagina, then you would be right. At least according to Joey Lynn!
Remember, it’s summertime, and it gets hot in New York City! Christie is a problem solver so she bought a pool for her backyard from Kmart. Yes, it is inflatable. She invites Carla and Angelina over to help her set it up, but Angelina says a guy should do it and she doesn’t have a penis so . . . she can’t do it. Okay!
Christie finally decides to approach Nick, sans Matthew, about what he said. Her friend Jen drives her to the glass shop where Nick admits to talking sh*t about her, though he denies being on Joey Lynn’s side. Nick and Christie go way back, probably since kindergarten like everyone else she knows, and he calls her by her old nickname Christie “Liar” Livoti. Then she calls HIM his childhood nickname Nicky “Beans” which apparently is a huge no-no because it means he’s a storyteller which means he is a liar. Which is apparently completely different from Christie’s nickname, and this sets Beano off. He starts calling her a tramp and saying that she’s slept with everyone in the neighborhood (he’s the mayor so he should know). She challenges him to name one person with whom she has knocked boots. He can’t so he calls her a pig and threatens to pour soda in her face. What a gentleman! Christie leaves the shop and Nick follows her out, grabbing at her phone. He calls her a tramp again and she calls him out for not respecting women. I am proud of Christie for standing up to him! She gets in her friend Jen’s car and they start to drive away. Almost immediately Nick calls her to apologize. That’s nice, I guess . . .
Now, for the real drama: we go over to Valona’s house where she is about to tell her Muslim mother that she has two tattoos. Oh boy, I can relate. I have an Irish Catholic mother and my brother and I once told her (as a joke) that we got matching tattoos that said “We Heart Mom” and she cried and cried and cried and said we only did it to hurt her. So Valona’s fear is not entirely a religious one, it’s a crazy mom one. She sits her mom Suzana down at the table. She gives a speech about how she is an adult and she did something a while ago that she believes in that she knows her mom will not approve of. I can’t help but think, Is it just tattoos she is talking about? I’m bracing myself for something more shocking but sure enough, it’s just the tattoos. Her mom naturally disapproves, but she remains calm and stoic. Now Valona has a permanent stamp, unless she goes to a doctor to get it removed.
Christie, meanwhile, returns to the glass shop to forgive Nick. They smile and giggle and you can tell they have been friends forevs. He apologizes but then tries to blame it on her, saying she made him react that way. Uh, no. YOU made yourself react that way, Mayor Nicky Beans. But it’s over so let’s move on.
Christie has to direct her nervous energy somewhere, so she decides Angelina is the perfect target since she was the one who told her what Nick said in the first place when Angelina could have simply nipped it in the bud at the scene of the crime. The next time we see them together, Christie turns on Angelina who feigns innocence. Matthew demands to know how Nick upset his girlfriend again, but Christie says it’s over so Matt gets mad at her and leaves and now Christie is (still) pissed at Angelina. This is exhausting. I feel like I need a flow chart to keep track of the feuds!
Till next time—
Liz Out Loud