I wanted to reach out and wipe his tears away.

By permanenteditor
Hey Bloggas! What's up????? Let's start dishing, cause I got a lot of dirt to spill! HA! So, the evil people at DYAO made me run up 13 flights of stairs! Stairs are the devil! I was beyond tired! It's one thing to run up four or five flights of stairs...but 13?!?!?!?!? C'mon!!!!!! I was like a kid in a candy store when I finally made it to the rooftop! Oh and just so you know...Lee and Mel B. took the elevator! I'm not hating...I'm just saying.....

I was super stoked when I found out that this was HIP HOP week! I love HIP HOP!! I had so many ideas and things I wanted to incorporate to this dance! Once I found out it was a battle I was still excited! In week one, the judges played me so I was ready to really show them what I could do.

Then everything changed. Once I found out we were stepping I was extremely upset. I knew from weeks past that Bri was in a sorority and stepped often. The challenge was supposed to take everyone from their comfort zones and that is clearly not what happened. I was so angry that it affected my rehearsals. I mean how am I supposed to feel when the person I'm" battling" is teaching the choreographers how to step?!? I talked with Mama TT about this and she urged me to work harder and hit the choreography hard, but that still didn't sit well with me. If Bri could kill the entire routine and I could only manage the choreography in the routine...there is no question about who would win the battle. When nothing was changed, a little piece of me crumbled. I felt like I didn't matter in the competition and that I was an extra. Bri was so helpful and worked with me to get things right, but my head and heart were hurt. To add insult to injury, I then injured myself in the gym. Somehow I managed to jack up my ankle and I just gave up. The pressure to be the best is very difficult when you know that there are favorites in the house and you aren't one of them.

When it came time to do the performance my body, mind, and soul were not there. My ankle was killing me, my heart was not in the dance, my mind was just telling me to grin and bear it. Bri did an amazing job! I knew she would! I was so proud of her. She hadn't been feeling well, but she pulled it together and turned it out! I did terribly and I deserved the scores I got. I was so displeased with my performance, but I knew in my heart that it was going to turn out that way. All week long I prepared myself for it. I never give in easily to defeat, but when all the signs are in your face you know what's up. I wish that I could have been a bigger person and not let the things I couldn't change affect the way I reacted...but that wasn't the case. I allowed myself to give up and I will never forget that.

Mel B. hit it right on the head when she said that this was everyone's toughest week. All of us were bruised, broken, and exhausted. Our bodies were just giving out on us and we had to push through. The fight for the competition is intense. In the first couple of weeks you don't realize how much is going on, then when it hits you, your body just hits a wall! It's crazy!

When I looked next to me and saw Corey in the bottom two, my heart fell to the pit of my stomach. This was my worst nightmare. Corey works so hard to learn the routines, he works so hard in the gym, and he follows our diet plan to the tee. I know how much this means to him. The fact that I care about him so much is just the icing on the cake. I just remember thinking who ever stays has to fight that much harder for the one who leaves. When Corey started to cry I wanted to reach out and wipe his tears away, but I was afraid that any movement would make that first teardrop fall and then I would be a wreck.

Once Mel B. announced Corey's weight loss, I took a deep breath and took it all in. I knew in my heart the entire week that I was going home. It's just a feeling you get. I thought a lot about my mom and family at home. I was disappointed that I couldn't bring home the money for them because I know they could use it. I hope with all my heart that I didn't disappoint them.

I learned so much in the house. I learned to eat right, I learned how to work out, and I learned what worked for my body and what didn't. Getting eliminated after the week I had lit a fire in me. I made a vow that night that the next time anyone saw me that I would make jaws drop...and that's exactly what I plan to do. I feel so much stronger mentally, physically, and spiritually and I'm ready to finish what I've started. I was given the tools to get myself together, now it's time for me to build!

I want to thank Dr. Gellar for helping me realize what shape my body was really in and being a great friend. I want to thank Rachel Bellar for teaching me what food really does to you and what food is for. I want to thank Lee for pushing me and making me understand that I am the only person who can hold me back! I love you guys and I thank you for the years you have added to my life! May all God's blessings be with you. I also need to thank Lisa Ann and Danny for choosing me for the competition. Without you I would still be killing myself. Thank you for seeing something special in me that I had long forgotten.

To my castmates...thank you all for being the best people a girl could find! We could not have done anything without each other and I'm glad each of you were brought into my life. Believe me when I say I love you all and I'm only a phone call away. I don't see you as competitors, I see you as friends and I'm truly blessed to know you.

Corey, thank you for being everything I needed in a friend. You made this experience beautiful every day and I am going to miss not being able to wake up and know you're around. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you! Make me proud, boo!

Jesus, thank you so much for believing in me. I know I was more than a challenge and you stuck by my side even when I made it difficult. Sometimes I wish you would have gotten a better partner because you need to make it to the top. Know that I love you and I will never forget all the things you taught me on and off the dance floor! I love you!

Last but not least I want to thank everyone who supported me and showed me love! You guys will never understand how much harder you made me work! I promise you that I'm gonna work my a** off and make y'all proud!

All my love, Kiki

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