As we begin the holiday season, I ask myself, wouldn’t it be SO nice to share it with someone special? To cuddle under the blankets and have him rub my feet and feed me those peanut butter cookies with Hershey Kisses in the middle that people only bake at Christmas? Yeah, I sure as pie would love to have a cutie patootie as my man this holiday season. I just don’t know HOW I will ever find him!
Luckily, three ladies of the Bad Girls Club do not have the same problem as me! They have the opportunity to search for pure love! That’s right, children, it’s time for another season of everyone’s favorite quest for happiness, Love Games: Bad Girls Need Love Too! Let’s go on, shall we?
We meet the girls who will be competing: Sydney and Kori from Season 6 and voodoo child Judi from Season 7. Sydney announces that she is the “realest b*tch you’ll ever meet, and I’m genuine.” What do people mean when they claim they’re real? Most people I know are real. They exist. Non-real people are ghosts, and I’ve never met one of them, though I have seen The Sixth Sense. Anyway. sexy blonde Kori tells us she is more than just a Barbie, she’s a hard ass. Judi . . . well, she is in her own voodoo world. This is going to be a ride. Who will be the lucky men who will be sitting in the passenger seat?
Oh snap, here they are, in the limo approaching the club in Hollywood where they will meet their potential sweeties! There’s Pasquale, “Mr. In Your Face,” a gym rat from New York who apparently spends as much time grooming his eyebrows as he does pumping iron. Then we have Jonathan AKA “Freaky JP” who claims he’s aiming to be a Casanova. Hmmm, with his glasses he looks more like a mathlete to me. Joey “The Funny Guy” is postponing law school to find love. Yeah, that seems like a good idea. Another good idea he had is sticking his finger in an electric socket as evidenced by his hair. Hey, it’s better than the Bieber. We meet a few other guys but we have work to do, so let’s move on!
Kori, Sydney, and Judi arrive at the club to meet the guys. Farm Boy Dusty shows his class by declaring Kori “totally f---able.” I wish I could say I was making this up, but no. Freaky JP appreciates Syd’s “thick old booty.” So accepting! John “The Player” likes Judi but then she opens her mouth. Uh oh, this is going to be an up hill battle for our resident cray cray Bad Girl.
The girls mingle with the guys. Judi rips off Nick F’s (“Mr. Keeping it Real”) shirt because, you know, why not? And the baddest b*tch of them all, the godmother to all Bad Girls past, present, and future walks in. Oh yes, the great and powerful Tanisha has arrived! She did not bring any pots with her, so consider yourself lucky.
Tanisha explains the rules of the game. Every week there will be a series of challenges to determine who will be the Head Bad Girl in Charge, hereby referred to as the “HBIC.” (Wouldn’t it be HBGIC, if we’re going to do acronyms correctly? Oh well, I don’t think grammar is going to be my biggest concern for Love Games.) Every week the HBIC will nominate three men for elimination, and one will be chosen to go home. At the end of the season we will be left with one bad girl and one man who will, fingers crossed, be in love! Yippie! And they get to go on a trip!
It is time for the first challenge to figure out who is the HBIC! The Bad Girls need to send a sexy text. The one with the most popular sext wins! While the girls go in another room, Tanisha tells the guys that they need to strip off their clothes and take a picture from the neck down.
Kori, Sydney, and Judi return. Because there is no way I can do these sexts justice, I am going to present them exactly as is.
Girl A: You want the bad b*tch then come and get her. I might look like a sweet innocent girl but on the outside I’m a rough tough b*tch. Come and get me. I’m all yours if you can handle me.
Girl B: A Southern broad knows how to treat her man and it includes 3 things. Maid in the living room. A cook in the kitchen. A porn star in the bedroom.
Girl C: Shout out to the hos that can spread their legs but not spread a smile across your face. Hahaha XOX Moi.
Wow, how eloquent.
Good thing Shakespeare is dead, because there is no way he could compete with these wordsmiths.
The guys react to the texts. They appreciate their honesty! And how the ladies know what they like! Michael AKA “The Ultimate Bro” remarks that he wants a girl with family support and good morals and values and who, I kid you not, can be “sweet on the streets and a freak in the sheets.” Oh word. He came to the right place, I guess.
The guys vote and Girl A is declared the winner. Girl A=Kori, so she’s the new HBIC! Congrats! She gets to pick a dude to go on a date with her, plus she has to select three more guys who are up for elimination, as in right at this moment! Eek! And how will she pick these guys, you ask? She’ll use their topless photos! She chooses Chris AKA “The Boy Next Door” for herself since he has a full six pack, and Dusty, Edson, and Joey as the potential losers. Two of the guys will go on dates with Sydney and Judi, and the other one will go home. They beg for their lives. Kori sends Dusty packing! Sayonara! She picks Edson to go out with Judi and Joey for Sydney.
Everyone leaves the club and goes to the Love Games mansion. It is pretty rad, and also very purple and pink. Totally manly. The Bad Girls hobnob and flirt with the guys. They all drink. Judi goes to the confessional, and then when she leaves she gets in a little scuffle with John, who proceeds to pour beer all over her. Judi flips out. She froths at the mouth. She bangs on the wall. One of the guys brings her back to her room. I am surprised he didn’t use a straight jacket! The house agrees that Judi is psycho.
The next morning Judi wakes up not drunk anymore. She apologizes to everyone and thanks them for giving her a second chance. Man, this makes me love Judi. She is a Bad Girl who can admit when she’s wrong. And now it’s time for the dates!
But first Tanisha tells the Bad Girls that they can choose a second guy to join them. Hot! Judi picks Nick F because he’s a little on the cuckoo side like she is! Kori picks model Robby because of his hot bod, and Syd selects Jonathan who looks less like a mathlete now and actually kind of hot!
The dates are really exotic. They are out at the pool in the backyard. As the HBIC, Kori and her krew (sorry, couldn’t resist) get to dine on sushi and champagne and the other groups get good old fashioned peanut butter and jelly sammies. Yum!
All of the other guys spy from the house while the dates are happening. Kori pulls a move straight out of Lady and the Tramp and snacks on a strawberry while Robby snacks on the SAME strawberry and then they kiss. Awww, sweet! And then Kori kisses Chris. And then she drags Nick F away from Judi (she’s the HBIC so she can do that, b*tches!) and throws all kinds of shade on Sydney’s body. She even says that Sydney has stretch marks on her boobs! Oh no she didn’t! But Nick is totally not swayed. In his talking head he remarks that he needs Sydney’s bountiful booty in his life.
Kori continues her mission of guy stealing. She grabs Joey from Sydney, but it’s actually not that big of a deal because Syd is in the pool getting hot and heavy with Jonathan. Kori kisses Joey. Big surprise there.
The dates end and they return to the house. Nick F proclaims he likes to keep it real and decides to tell Sydney what Kori said about her. Oh, what a great idea. I love when people think they are doing you a favor by telling you that your friend said you were fat. No, that’s not keeping it real, that’s stirring the pot. See how I fixed that for you? Needless to say, Sydney is not happy. In fact, she is enraged. She charges Kori like a bull. “Why the f--you talkin’ sh—about stretch marks on my titties?” That’s a question you don’t hear every day. At this point no punches have been thrown, but there is a lot of finger wagging and huffs and puffs. Words are bleeped. And then it gets physical and Kori and Sydney wind up on the floor and the guys try to intervene but it’s Tanisha, the baddest b*tch in all the land and sea who breaks it up. Sydney is really shaken up. She starts crying about the aforementioned stretch marks on her titties. Mama Tanisha tells her she needs to be confident. And then she says perhaps the greatest sentence I have ever heard in the English language: “I’m big, I’m fat. So is my money.” Oh snap! You tell them Tanisha!
Sydney calms down and goes outside to smoke with the guys. She acknowledges that this was not her finest moment. Tanisha approaches Kori privately. Kori declares my least favorite sentence in the English language: “I’m not here to make friends.” Ahhh, the classic reality competition show mantra. If I ate an M&M for every time I heard that I’d be, er, full of M&M’s.
Before we know it it’s time for elimination. As HBIC, Kori has to nominate the three guys who will face the hatchet. It’s then Sydney and Judi’s decision as to who actually leaves. If they can’t agree, then it goes back to the HBIC. Since Kori is pissed at Sydney, she chooses guys that Syd likes: Jonathan, John, and Nick F. Nick F, aka the “Sh— Stirrer,” whines that “by being real, I ended up shooting myself in the foot.” Ugh, stop. It’s too bad you’re like this because you’re hot.
The three guys face the three Bad Girls. Sydney and Kori mutually decide that Jonathan should be saved. And then there were two. Sydney wants Nick F to leave and Judi wants John to go home: “You made my face wet.” God I love Judi. Since they can’t reach a decision, it goes back to Kori. She sends Nick packing.
So there you have it. Wooo, I’m exhausted. Maybe it’s easier to be alone this holiday season. I can rub my own feet and bake my own cookies.
Till Next Week—
Liz Out Loud