Love Games 302 Recap

Hello my people—

The other night I dreamed that I was Kate Middleton. It was my wedding day, and I was about to marry my Prince Charming. I glowed as I walked down the aisle to meet . . . Jonathan aka "Freaky JP." Whaaaa? Where was William? I looked over at my maid-of-honor in confusion. But instead of being Pippa, it was . . . Kori! And she was all, "I’m the HBIC, I have big fake boobs so I stole Prince Wills from you. And by the way, Sydney is dating fellow ginger Harry!" I woke up in a cold sweat. Was Love Games REALLY invading my sleep? And if so where was Judi? She’s my fav! I took a long swig of water and went back to bed. Hey, at least I married JP. He’s, er, classy for Love Games.

The next day, of course, reality set in. But, on the bright side—it was time for another episode of Love Games! Praise the Lord. Let’s begin, shall we?

Kori and Judi are primping in the morning. Kori is so angry that Sydney sent Nick F. home as he was one of her guys, so Kori decides to team up with Judi to exact revenge on Sydney. Kori doesn’t see Judi as a threat, and Judi pretends to go along with her plan, but she’s on to Kori. Alliances get so confusing. Ugh.

The girls depart to hang out with the guys. Kori wants them to know she’s more than just a pretty face with big boobs. She’s also really blonde! As she holds court on her bed, she tells them how she had a tough childhood and she doesn’t remember anything about it. Nick H. tells her that she has dissociative disorder. Joey, the other member of the brain trust, nods in agreement. They try to outsmart each other, dropping medical terms that they probably heard on an episode of House: selective memory, traumatic experiences, etc. But I can’t really blame them, because Love Games is the perfect setting to showcase that you know who Freud is.

Sydney crashes the party dressed up as a sexy librarian. A sexy, trashy librarian, that is, complete with glasses, a low-cut shirt, short skirt, red stripper heels, and a whip. Meow. Kori is not happy so she leaves.

Tanisha gathers everyone to announce the next HBIC challenge: a rap battle! The girls pick teams, playground style. A couple of the guys are nervous because they will have to diss the other girls. Mind you, they’re not actually concerned about the ladies’ FEELINGS per se, they are only concerned that they will get voted off. What gentlemen!

The teams break up to write and practice. Judi loves her goofy "white-ass" group’s energy. Sydney is a bit concerned because rap is not her forte. She’s relying on Jordan to carry her through, because he is a rap artist. Ha! He’s an artist in the way that Pepper is a doctor, methinks. And wait—Sydney agrees with me! She’s mad disappointed in his skills. She wants their rap to be funny but Jordan’s just being nasty and mean. Boo. JP, on the other hand, is picking up the slack. Of course my (literal) dream husband is talented!

The crew goes to a studio to perform their raps. Tanisha introduces their celebrity guest judge . . . hip hop legend—and Oxygen favorite—Too Short! He’s like the Waldo of the Oxygen Network . . . first he was on Bachelorette Party Las Vegas, now Love Games! Let’s keep our fingers crossed that he will show up on Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood as the kids’ babysitter. A girl can dream. Anyway. Too Short announces that they will be critiqued on their presentation, flow, and creativity.

Judi’s team goes first. In her rap she mumbles something about Kori being plastic. She then loses her place in the lyrics, so she starts free-styling. Gangster! Kori’s Krew is next. Kori is actually fairly decent, but then again my standards for white rappers are not very high—I like Snow and Vanilla Ice, for example. Then it’s Sydney’s turn. Kori is clearly the only talented white rapper of the group. That’s all I’ll say.

Too Short reviews the performances. Sydney’s stage presence was good, but she was too nice. Judi was original but too nervous at first. And Kori was a strong rapper but her Krew needed more energy. In the end he declares Judi the winner, and thus she is crowned the HBIC. And she didn’t even need to do any voodoo! Congrats Judi!

As the HBIC, Judi now has to pick dates for the other girls. She chooses muscle-head Pasquale for Sydney since he is totally not her type. He’s short, he has huge eyes, and he’s bigger on the top than he is on the bottom. Judi explains it best: He’s like an “ice cream cone mixed with like a troll or something.” She then selects Edson for Kori because he has too much personality for her. Judi picks Robby as her own date, because he is a model. Model, again, is subjective in the way that "rap artist" was a questionable title for Jordan, but we’ll let Judi have her moment.

Everyone goes back to the house to party. Matthew wants to get closer to Judi since she’s the HBIC. He wants her to know that he’s "feeling her lips, feeling her eyebrows." Wow, he’s a keeper. Sydney decides to cook for the guys so she can show them she’s domesticated! "It’s not all about me looking good every day." So says the girl who wears red stripper heels and whined about the stretch marks on her titties last week. Okay then. Sydney calls the guys in to eat. Matthew and John don’t go in right away. Sydney flips out. John apologizes to make the peace.

Judi starts recruiting men for Team Judi. She realizes that a Sober Judi is better than a Cuckoo Judi. Unlike Sydney, she won’t chase them with a plate of mac and cheese. She flirts with John. Sure, they had that scuffle which involved beer in the face the first week, but now there seems to be real chemistry between the two of them. Sneaky Pasquale observes their conversation from the sidelines, and you know he is up to no good.

As the night goes on, Mike and Chris take off their pants. And their underwear too! At least it looks that way because it is blurred out. Electrocuted-hair boy Joey wants no part in their shenanigans: "I’m here for vagina, not penis." This is the man-child who was planning on going to go to law school. Stay classy! JP hears Chris and Mike go into the bathroom. Together. "There are some undercover brothers in this house!" Everyone starts banging on the bathroom door. The guys finally come out and deny that anything happened. And I believe them. If anything I think they wanted to see who could pee the longest.

The next morning the girls each get to choose a second guy to join them on their date, which will be in the living room with a Kama Sutra instructor. Score! Sydney invites Matthew, Judi selects JP, and Kori picks Nick H. Pasquale approaches Sydney to stir the pot just the way our friend Nick F. did last week. And where is Nick F., you ask? He’s at home. Pasquale, no one likes a rat. Just saying.

Anyway, Pasquale is being all high and mighty in his effort to "be real" (snore) and he tells Sydney that he saw John kiss Judi. This is news to Sydney because SHE is feeling John. She explodes out of her seat and confronts Judi who is lying in her bed. Judi, rightfully so, is scared of Sydney because she’s like "Chucky’s bride. She’s f---ing nuts." Kori joins them for the drama. Sydney tries to sort through what was said by John. To her credit—she is somewhat restrained. Her fists have not touched Judi. Pasquale comes into the room to defend himself. He gets in Judi’s face. But Sydney will. Not. Have. It. She turns all big tough bouncer and situates herself between Pasquale and Judy. "I’m worried about your f---ing feelings!" Pasquale tells Judi. Ugh, no. And Sydney agrees with me. She starts waving her hand in his face, telling him not to disrespect Judi. He should not talk to a woman like that. I’m on your side, Syd! "Get the f--- out!" She demands. "You do not speak to a woman like that, you understand me. You should be talking to God right now, you mother----er." Oh Sydney, the queen of do what I say not what I do. But I do give her mad props for sticking up for Judi and women everywhere. And she also managed to unplug the sh—that Pasquale was trying to stir.

It is now time for the group date with the Kama Sutra instructor. The girls get with their two guys for some heavy petting, stroking, and even a little kissing. Sydney completely ignores Pasquale and makes out with Matthew instead. Way to stick to your guns, girlfriend!

It’s now time for Judi to choose the three guys up for elimination. She decides on the two naked guys Mike and Chris, and also crazy-haired Joey because he’s only here for Kori.

Now it’s elimination time! It’s just Tanisha, the three girls, and the three guys. Judi acknowledges that all three guys want Kori the most. Well—Kori thinks Chris might want a guy as evidenced in his enthusiasm for getting naked with Mike. Chris defends his actions. "I just like being naked. I was born that way" That’s strange, Chris. I came out of the womb wearing a sparkly spandex jump suit. But I digress. Kori and Sydney both agree to save Joey since he brings some much needed humor to the house. Chris and Mike fight for their lives. The only thing they whip out, ahem, is their words to plead their cases. Chris is all, I’m a great guy, I’m here for you. Mike sounds like a cross between a rapper, a mobster, and a robot: "I’ll take care of my woman. She will be nurtured." Like a plant? That’s kind of you. Kori and Sydney decide to send Mike home. They turn nice all of a sudden. Sydney is all, you’ll find love! With a plant, I say, or even a dog because they like to be nurtured. All right, I’m exhausted from all the drama. I need a cookie. Till next week— Liz Out Loud
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