Hola my friends!
I hope you slept very well last night. Because, I hate to tell you, you will not be sleeping well tonight. You will toss and turn, get up to pee frequently, check behind your shower curtain, and have general all around nightmares. Why, you ask? Has King Kong attacked New York? Did Kim Kardashian get married again? Has Suri Cruise designed a line of clothing for adult women? Oh no, my friends, it is much worse. You see, it is time to review another episode of Love Games, or as I like to call it, Lifestyles of the Young and Classy. And while the show was fun and excitingthe girls go on a boat!we also had the positively DREADFUL misfortune of watching meathead Pasquales over-styled and over-tweezed eyebrows. Like, a lot. If you can go to sleep after watching this, well, then, you are a stronger person than I. But lets go back to the beginning, shall we?
The episode opens up with Sydney and John hanging out in her bed. Of course! Sydney does not mince words. She plays coy for one hot second: It might be a far-fetched thing . . . She goes in for the kill. But I really want to sleep with you. John keeps his cards close to him (thats what they do in poker, right? I only know how to play War and Go Fish.) and rejects Sydney. He wants to sleep in his own bed. Oh no you didnt! Have you not seen the wrath of Hurricane Sydney? Actually, this time its more like Earthquake Sydney. A quick and intense rumble and then shes done. Syd runs upstairs to Kori and Judi and breaks some bottles along the way. Just a little tremor really. Maybe 3.5 on the Richter Scale.
The next morning Kori wakes up the guys for a little early recruiting for Team Judi. Ha! Just kidding. For Team Kori. I wanted to see if you were paying attention. Kori goes outside with nightmare-inducing Pasquale, with his overly plucked eyebrows and inverted triangle body. Not that Im making fun of inverted triangles. There are lots of inverted triangles I like, such as a yield sign. Pasquale spouts typical reality television psychobabble, Im here for you Kori, Ive got your back 100% blah blah blah. Hmmmm, didnt I hear you say that to Judi, Lil P? I here on out will refer to Pasquale as Lil P, because he is short and clearly suffers from a Napoleon-complex. And again, I love short people, such as Michael J. Fox and the late great Gary Coleman, so dont think Im a hater of height. Im a hater of overly-plucked eyebrows on men. But I digress.
Sydney starts recruiting for Team Sydney. I feel like they are all getting ready to go off to battle and they need to round up their armies. Shes working on Matthew and Jonathan, who just pay attention and nod their heads. Smart boys. They are playing the game too.
Jordan is digging Judi. He finds her genuine and real. He writes her a note and hand delivers it to her, middle school style. She reads it out loud in front of him. Its a poem. He rhymes end and defend. Thats love! I just wonder why he felt the need to write a note. Why didnt he just say it to her? Oh well, I shouldnt rack my brain trying to solve the mysteries of Love Games. Sherlock Holmes this aint.
Lil P makes his second appearance of the episode. He approaches Sydney and Kori who are chilling out at the pool with crazy hair Joey. Lil P and his eyebrows get all in Sydneys face, whining about how she is treating him. They all just roll their eyes. Real classy, real classy, remarks the man who probably spends hours each month waxing his body. Yup, he knows class!
Tanisha calls everyone in for the next HBIC challenge, which I like to call Wheel of Misfortune! Tanisha, however, calls it a Status Wheel. Essentially, it is a kind of trivia game where a guy has to spin the wheel, it will land on a question which he will direct to another guy, and the girls have to decide if his answer is true or false. It makes way more sense when you watch it. The girl with the most points wins.
The game begins. Questions range from Have you shtalked to Have you had more than 20 sexual partners. Then there are all these confusing equations like You are more into Sydney than Kori or some variation. Sydney gets pissed when it is discovered that John is more into Judi than Kori. Why does she care? Oh well. In the end it doesnt matter, because Sydney wins and is declared the HBIC. At least shes happy about something!
As HBIC, Sydney gets to pick dates for all the girls. She chooses Edson for herself, JP for Kori, and Joey for Sydney. For now we are spared Lil Ps cringe-worthy eyebrows. Phew. But not for long! He approaches Judi at the pool to explain his traitorous ways at the gamehe had admitted that he was into Kori more than Judi, but she thought he was Team Judi. Its exhausting to keep track, isnt it? Anyway, hes all, Judi, Im being smart, Im taking us to the finish line. Judi pretends to care, but shes done with Lil P.
Tanisha announces that the date will be on a private boat! Im jealous, as the only boat Ive ridden over the past several years is the Staten Island Ferry. They all select their second dates: Robby for Sydney, Matthew for Judi, and Nick H. for Kori. John thinks that Sydney is trying to make him jealous. Hes smart, that one.
As HBIC, Sydney and her dates get prime real estate on the boat with really good food and a handbag for Sydney. However, she suddenly gets seasickeven though the boat has not left the dockand takes JP with her. JP is Koris date, but the HBIC can snag another girls date at any time.
Kori and Judi flirt with the remaining guys. Matthew is shocked to discover that Judi is not a live action voodoo doll. He finds her the most genuine of all the girls.
Meanwhile, back at the house Tanisha and Lil P go off to talk. He whines that he has no friends in the house because he is too honest. Ugh. You know, honesty isnt always a good thing. For example, if I met you, I would not make fun of your eyebrows to your face. I would only mock them behind your back. Tanisha urges him to stay in the game.
Jordan decides to do something special for Judi to show he cares once she returns from her date. So he draws her a bath with a few flower petals scattered in the water. He lights two candles. Its daytime, sure, but this is all about creating a mood. Judi appreciates the gesture but she only dips her foot in the water. I get the impression that its probably cold. Theres something about Jordan that would surprise me if he thought a cold bath is a sign of love. But he does seem to genuinely like Judi so Im actually (semi) touched.
That night, everyone plays either Scrabble or backgammon. Kidding! They party! Sydney is growing green with envy over the attention Judi is getting from John. She b*tches to Kori, what does he see in her, I dont get it, wah wah wah. In subtitles, either Sydney or Kori even comment that Judis got back fat! How dare she have back fat? A woman with back fat should never be allowed to find love, am I right??? The answer, of course, is that Im wrong. Everyone deserves love!
Sydney retreats to her room where John goes after her. Hes being all nice and gentle and asking why shes upset. She admits shes jealous of Judi because shes kissed John, and hes her man. Errrrr . . . you DO know you signed up for a show called Love Games, right? Its not called Sydney Gets to Flirt and Kiss Anyone She Wants While Judi and Kori Eat Cookies and Watch TV. Its kind of a competition, Sydney, and Judi is playing the game too. The scene between Sydney and John quickly escalateshere we have Tornado Sydneyand before we know it John yells F--- you b*tch! Keep it classy John. Now, I agree that Sydney can be difficult, but its never good to resort to that level, especially not on TV where your mama can see you!
Tanisha approaches Sydney to figure out what happened once the storm has calmed. Sydney claims she was just being honest with John. She almost sounds rational. Im a grown ass woman, she states. And thats where you lose me. See, grown ass women dont actually call themselves grown ass women. We call ourselves grown UP women. Just a little tip for you there Syd.
Sydney picks three guys for elimination: Jordan, JP, and Lil P. As the guys wait to see who gets sent home, tensions are high. Lil P instigates a fight with Jordan. Surprise there! He mocks Jordans accent, asking him what language he is speaking. Dudes speaking English, and hes probably bilingual, you dummy! Lil P chest bumps Jordan and fists start flying. The guys break it up with the help of the camera crew.
Its time for elimination. The guys plead their cases. JP plays it cool, Lil P praises his self-proclaimed honesty, and Jordan says he keeps it real. He also throws in a little dig to Sydney: A nice girl doesnt curse like you do. Sydney naturally responds that she doesnt give a f---. Naturally.
Kori and Judi both agree to save JP, and then there is conflict. Judi wants Jordan to stay, and Kori wants Lil P to stay. We all know Jordan is on a sinking ship as the final decision now goes to the HBIC, Sydney. And she chooses to send Jordan packing. Lil P stays because, in Sydneys words, he is easy to manipulate.
So there you have it. Another beautiful day with the folks of Love Games.
Good luck sleeping with the vision of Pasquales eyebrows in your head. Think happy thoughts.
Liz Out Loud
Hola my friends!