Shoes It Or Lose It

By Michelle Collins

Welcome back to Episode 5 of "The Face!!" Yes, we've made it past 4 weeks of eliminations with nary a single model killing another one. A miracle! But with 2 episodes left to go, in the famous words of beautiful human bird Ellie Goulding, "Anything Could 'Appen." (She's English.)

We kick things off with Jocelyn, who sets her blandish sights on Margaux. What does this tell me? From the get go, I can already smell Jocelyn's walking papers and we are 21 seconds into the episode. Jocelyn accuses Margaux of not having a personality - but then checked the time on her Swatch Irony and realized it was blahh:15 and she was running late to her Pot Calling The Kettle Black Lessons.

Anyway! This week's Test Shoot is called Chemistry 101, which is that college class we all had to take where we learned how to make come hither eyes. In the challenge, each model will have to sell a product using nothing more than her chemistry with a special male model. But not just any male model... the captain of the New York Knicks Amar'e Stoudemire!! So actually not a model at all. Just a super famous rich basketball player. I believe the sports term for this is "Win-Win." 

Amar'e rolls in to the room, straight up Millionaire Matchmaker style. 

And ladies... he's Jewish! (No, seriously.) If he weren't married with children, I would promptly put this recap in the shredder and recap my way to New York and into Amar'e Stoudemire's 7-foot-long arms.

Devyn hears me on this:


Back to the challenge! The ladies will be shooting a short television ad for Christian Louboutin, the footwear designer famous for red soles. Naomi Campbell gives Amar'e a test run just to make sure he's up to The Face Male Modeling Test Shoot standards. She does the test shoot and it's pretty sexy.


And the soles of her shoes are serving total little girl in Schindler's List realness


The final product is sexxxxxxy. But just as soon as he showed up, Amar'e has to leave for a game. Huh-whaaat? Wait, why was he there in the first place? I mean, guys, *through clenched teeth* Did Amar'e just show up so he could get a Chemistry Test from Naomi Campbell? 

Wait a second… who is this guy?

No, no, this guy isn't Jewish at all. Bring back Amar'e please! And it's not only my dreams that are dashed, but the dreams of these young contestants on The Face who have missed out on their opportunity to become a Basketball Wife. Sadder words were never spoken. Nigel tells us that the winner of the challenge will win a pair of Louboutin heels, and he has a crazy look in his eyes… one that could only be described as

Ebony is up first. She sort of circles the couch like me at a Manolo sample sale eyeing a pair of size 42 flats. She then leans in, amping up the vocal fry, and says, super-crackly "Louboutins are worth waiting for." 

Jocelyn informs us that "Sexy is a really big strength of mine, and it should be a breeze." She then gets birthed from a horse and wobbles her way down the steps and around the tiny loveseat on which sits an aging portrait of Zac Efron. Jocelyn finishes things off by collapsing into his lap. It looks like her "sexy breeze" was too much for her body to take.

Margaux's dress was possibly the nicest of the shoot, but she seemed a little stiff stepping off the spiral staircase. The male model, who has not said a single word since we've met him (read: I'm falling in love) looked up to catch her eyes, until the proverbial record scratched and all you heard was a slide whistle fizzling out.  

The quiet Zi Lin actually nailed the sex appeal ticket, slinking her way through the set and melting into the male model's lap. Her verbal delivery was another story, considering A) This is presumably a test shoot for an American commercial; and B) English is not Zi Lin's first language.  Queue the slide whistle.

Devyn, a native English speaker, also had trouble with the "reading comprehension" half of the challenge, as she spit the words out her mouth like a Vegan realizing those weren't soy nuggets after all. But she did look hot while doing it, so that's something right? I don't know, like, 98 percent of the modeling business.

Let's move on to Stephanie. As a reminder, Stephanie is the "newbie" who is like a sweet newborn baby animal who you want to bottle feed and then cry as you wave at her getting released into the wild.

Oh, the wild. Tonight was Stephanie's wild. Upon meeting Kyle (Yes, he has a name. And it's Kyle) her cheeks turned a very familiar shade of red:

But Stephanie gave herself the same pep talk we've all had with ourselves in the bathroom of the bar before unmentionable evening activities. And she began her ad...

You guys. Stephanie was amazing. She whisked herself around that loveseat and grabbed the model's – sorry, "Kyle's" – tie, pulling him up to her mouth. And just when you thought the girl was about to go Champagne Room on the boy, she looked into the camera and said "Louboutins Are Worth Waiting For."


She killed it. Nigel practically jumped headfirst out of the window in shock, while Naomi seemed super pleased for little Steph. Meanwhile, Kyle looked like he was running late to his Bar Mitzvah. 


Next is Sandra, who sped over to the studio following The Bachelor's Final Rose Ceremony:

Sandra decides she's going to do something "different." But not so much in the Steve Jobs way, as in the "Lemme just make out with the guys neck a little because why not?" way. Yes, Sandra went for it alright, giving Kyle the ol' "Twilight Fan Fic Treatment" for all the world to see. How did the judge's react?

Naomi made like so many Salvador Dali clocks and melted out of her chair and onto the ground laughing. "I watched Sandra EAT the male model. Not kiss, EAT!" I'm not sure if she's angry because Sandra kissed the dude or because the girl was trying to eat something. Either way, Naomi and the entire crew stood there and died laughing while Sandra just waited around until someone told her what hilarious e-mail FWD they had all just received.

Sandra in fact wasn't laughing at all. She was angry. Angry that Naomi, her team leader and also Naomi Effing Campbell, was laughing in her face. You could almost HEAR Jocelyn's sigh of relief backstage. Pressure is off JJ!! Grab a caramel macchiato (JK a cup of air), sit back and RELAX. 

Naomi waved off Sandra's reaction and was like "Get a thicker skin and do it again." So Sandra once again walked down the staircase, but before she could try to get to second base with Kyle, threw her rose on the ground and stormed off. Sandra... you in danger girl. In her room, she starts to pack up her stuff, until Naomi enters to set the girl straight. 

The two discuss what went down, and Sandra finally reasons that Naomi's laugh wasn't at her, but with her: "I don't want to be made fun of, but she said her laugh was in a good way." Mmm OK, it definitely wasn't but, OK. Here's the thing, though. The only penalty Sandra got for her behavior was getting disqualified from the Test Shoot. That's it. And funny enough, Naomi herself isn't even there to deliver this news, but rather Nigel does it because Naomi left. 


On the bright side, Stephanie won the challenge. Congrats Stephanie!! Meanwhile, Kyle was having the time of his damn life.

We've been on quite a journey with him. 

For this week's Campaign shoot, the teams will each have to choose a product, any product, that represents them and then shoot a first person ad for said product. The winners will get their video featured on a website called, which features celebrities telling us about their favorite things.

Team Naomi decides to go with "lip gloss," and Naomi's like "Noooo lip gloss is too obvious. What about that giant zebra-striped bean bag chair?" The team has no choice but to agree. Team Karolina, down to just Devyn and Ebony, chooses pomade, as they both just love pomade. Simple enough. They can speak from the heart about it. In the case of Team Coco, Stephanie and Margaux decide their favorite thing in the room is obviously Margaux's black blazer. Team Coco hasn't won a campaign yet, so Coco feels a little iffy on the idea of a blazer being personal, but supports the girls if that's what they really want to talk about.

Devyn and Ebony are up first, and have 20 minutes to spew out the most convincing BS about some organic pomade they can muster. They do an amazing job of it. Seriously, forget modeling, call up QVC, and give these girls a George Foreman grill to sell.

Next up is Team Coco and the famous black blazer. Stephanie seems totally at ease with selling the blazer, and it's clear why:

Margaux on the other sleeve seems a little nervous and stiff. But like, how on Earth can you possibly be passionate about a black blazer? This isn't a Celine Dion mug we're talking about people.  You could see the look of worry on Coco's face:

I haven't seen a Coco this worried since that time Koko the Gorilla watched her favorite movie... Tea With Mussolini:

(That makes 5 weeks, and 5 recaps where I've drawn a link between Coco the Model and Koko the Gorilla. I'm not mentally normal necessarily, but doing this brings me great joy. Moving on.)

Team Naomi is last, their object being a gigantic bean bag chair. Zi Lin is actually the best of the team, despite the language barrier.

Judging time is here. John Caplan, CEO of Opensky, will be deciding the winner. Caplan is a very generous man, who loves all of the ads equally. But forced to choose a winner, he goes with the obvious one: Team Karolina! Pomade for everyone. 

This means that Naomi and Coco must each send a girl from their team to elimination, which will be decided by Karolina, who is pumped:

And Coco and Naomi, who have a strange look in their eyes:

Coco and Naomi now must choose a member of their team for elimination. Coco, who has already sent Stephanie to elimination three times now, sort of has no choice but to send Margaux after Stephanie killed it in both challenges. Naomi, who still has three girls left, does the right thing by sending Sandra to elimination. 

The choice for who to send home seems fairly obvious, but given that there is some strategy with the elimination, it's possible Karolina would gun for Margaux as she's less of a threat. Only Karolina is not that kind of a gal (aka she's sweet and smart), and so it is Naomi's Sandra who is sent home. Oh Sandra – you were certainly the most entertaining girl on the show. I never thought I'd say this, but I'll miss ya!

Naomi sees that her team is now down to two, and lashes out at Karolina in a way only Naomi could:

Naomi lays into Karolina pretty badly, lashing out at Margaux as well in the process. She then storms out of the room, telling Karolina to "Save it, you idiot." 

Next week, Wendy Williams will be there to bring a little sanity to the bunch. What did you think of Sandra's dismissal from the show? Did Karolina make the wrong strategic move? Discuss in the comments!

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