I know I can rub people the wrong way, but I never mean to.I was actually really nervous this week. Very nervous. I had a pit in my stomach all week and couldn't shake it off. I just couldn’t. I don't know if it was everything catching up to me, Cameron leaving, or missing my mom so badly that it hurt. I was in such an awful place and I cried a lot in the dorms. I tried to use that in the homework assignment. I love "True Colors" and I really wanted to sing it to my mom and my grandfather.
Click here to see more photos from the episode!
The music video was hard. I love the song "Only Exception" but I just couldn't connect with it without thinking of my family and home. I just couldn't get in the zone. I literally look back on this week with a huge question mark in my head. I was SO gone. The music video itself was really lovely to shoot because it was so simple and stripped down. My favorite part of it was the set. We were in a real high school library, and there were awesome little snippets of gold lying around set: a sign that said "NO SLUSHIES IN THE LIBRARY," one of our producers was the librarian, the extras were reading books about love, etc. It was just amazing.
The hardest thing for me about this week was trying to find my stride and my headspace. I was working so hard to be strong and not break that it all bubbled out in an awful mess. Trust me. I know it was bad. It was my worst week as a performer, and it was emotionally the hardest week I went through. I knew I was going to be in the bottom. I wasn't upset, I wasn't shocked, and I wasn't hurt. I was ready. I felt that it was time to go out with a bang and say goodbye. I was defeated and sad.
When the mentors told me I’d be singing "Maybe This Time" from Cabaret, my heart sank. I knew it had been sung between Lea Michele and Kristen Chenoweth on the show, but for the life of me I couldn't hear it in my head. I felt like it was just one blow after another. I was determined to learn it and do my best.
I agreed with Ryan's critique. I am a "performer" and it is hard to root for me. I know I can rub people the wrong way, but I never mean to. I am always trying to be positive for those around me and be strong for them, and I know that I catch hate for it. I'm not deaf, blind or stupid. My biggest problem is that if I can't even root for myself sometimes, how are others supposed to root for me? It was a much needed smack in the face.
I am a very blessed and lucky girl. I was adopted into the most LOVING family God could have provided. They have never put me down or made me feel less valuable. However, growing up with three older brothers who are gorgeous, talented, successful and can seemingly do no wrong was difficult on a little girl who didn't look like she fit, and was musically inclined instead of athletic - which is what her whole family was. I was always trying to be extra good at what I COULD do because I COULDN'T do what they loved. I was bullied a lot in school growing up because my brothers were always "hot" and "popular" and I was the awkward, ugly little thing that sang the National Anthem at their sporting events.
When I saw my name on the list, I cried and cried. Hannah became one of my closest friends on the Project and I didn't want to be without her. When I walked back into the Rec Room to see Alex, Damian and Sam, I cried my eyes out. We all did. Hannah was our rock. She was our joy. She kept us laughing at ourselves and kept us going. The guys wouldn't let me sleep in the girl's dorm after that. We all stayed in the boy's bunks. It was too empty.
It felt so surreal to be in the final 4. It meant that we had worked our tails off. To look at the four of us and think, "I will be seeing one of you on Glee soon," was the strangest feeling.
Click here to read what Hannah had to say about being eliminated, and here to watch her extended exit interview.