Finding out that the theme was "Fearlessness" was exciting, but then again, I had no idea what that entailed. I know I have a lot of insecurities, but I am also pretty fearless in certain aspects of my life. I had no choice but to wait and see what happened, and hope for the best.
When Jane Lynch walked in the door, I think everyone had a mini heart attack. She is yet another huge part of GLEE, and is such an amazing comedic actress in her own right. She was hilarious, and getting to just listen to her talk was amazing. I was really curious as to how she would critique us, considering she doesn't come from a singing background.
I had practiced the homework assignment song over and over again, but when it got down to the performance I got distracted and totally flubbed my line. It was really disappointing, and a terrible week to mess the homework assignment up. I knew it was something that could easily put me in the bottom three.
I was initially really excited to be doing the music video in a pool. I love the water, and have been swimming my entire life. But I instantly found myself wondering about the bathing suits. What kind would they be? I am oddly fine with two pieces, but I always, always wear shorts. I've never liked the way my legs look in bikinis and especially in a one piece. I just have never ever worn something like that in front of people, and it was intimidating to think that the first time would be on television.
I think part of my problem this week was that I went in overthinking it. I had a great week during Sexuality, and found myself doing a last chance performance the very next week. I was worried about “popping” in a group number, and I was upset that I was again in a situation where I was uncomfortable. I was trying to figure out how I could tackle everything at once: be comfortable and confident in the swimsuit, and outshine the others in the video.
I think all things considered, the video went well. The thing at this point that I was so proud of was that I never once thought of giving up, or completely surrendering to nerves and confidence issues. The video was good. But I definitely didn't make any improvements, and having set my own bar during Sexuality, I knew "good" wasn’t going to cut it.
Getting slushied kind of sucks. But it was also pretty stinking fun. Would I do that again? Probably not. But it was an amazing experience to have, in a very strange way that only The Glee Project could give me. It was almost unbearable at one point though, because for two takes in a row every slushie was going straight into my ear, and like Ali, I myself had a little trouble breathing. It was definitely tough.
We all walked out during Ali's take, and saw her break down and have trouble breathing. It was terrible to watch. Ali is such a strong person, and she really wanted to do everything that everyone else was, even with her body unable to handle temperature changes as well as everyone else. But I know she was glad that she did it, and I'm so proud of her. Her part in the video looks amazing.
I honestly was not surprised at all to find myself in the bottom three. I don't know who else would have been there in my place. The facts are that I just didn't step up to the level I needed to be at. I remember watching Michael during the shoot and being in awe of how far he has pushed himself to stand out. He had similar critiques up to that point and all I could think during the shoot was "THAT'S what I need to strive for." I was still in my own little box, my own little comfort zone, until I was explicitly directed to do otherwise. I wasn't fearless in my acting choices, and I continued to fade amongst everyone else. I knew something was going to have to change.
Oddly enough, I was pretty excited to perform for Ryan Murphy again, but this time as a soloist. Up to this point, I didn't ever really have a chance to have too much interaction with him, and I couldn't have been set up any better than I was with the song I was given. It was such a fun song to sing, because I consider one of my strengths being able to emote through my voice. It was the perfect song for that, and I was so proud of how I did.
It killed me to know Charlie was the one going home. I was dreading the callback list this week so much, and my excitement of being called back was completely covered by how upset I was that Charlie was going home. He reminded me so much of my brother, and had become sort of an older brother figure. I know we'll always stay friends, and I know he'll go on to make so amazing music. Love you, Charlie!
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