Politics are scary as sh*t right now, and Trump is leading the bandwagon of millennials making empty promises to evacuate if he gets elected as commander and chief. Well, guys, the end is nigh, and it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. Don’t worry, none of us own property, so it’s not like any of us have to sell our house before we set sail to brighter lands and the promise of a new day. Full disclosure, I do believe Hillary Clinton is going to come up with the win in November, or at least that’s what I tell myself so that I can sleep at night, but if “plan for the worst, hope for the best” has taught me anything, it’s that there’s no punishment for being prepared. So without further ado, I present 5 awesome places to move if Trump gets elected or the US breaks out into a full fledged civil war this election year.
1. . Bora Bora
The world could end, and the this island wouldn’t even know it. Bora Bora is a barely internet connected paradise where mango and fish are cheap and anything else expensive, because it has to be imported, which serves as a wonderful reminder that all we really need to survive in life are mango and fish. Getting there is a medium schlep—eight hours from L.A. to Tahiti, and then a short, but tricky-to-schedule puddle hop to the island of Bora Bora— still, in theory, you’re moving there for good, so you don’t need to worry about the commute. It’s an island known for tourism, so get ready to move into an over-water hut, because there won’t be such a thing as “peak blackout dates” once major corporations are taken down by global economic collapse.
2. . Iceland
For those fair of skin and faint of heart looking for a less tropical getaway, might I recommend the 99% literacy rate nation of Iceland! If you’re worried that the end of times will leave you feeling bored and without purpose, never fear. Iceland publishes more books per capita than any other country, so you can finally finish your memoir or turn that sassy blog into a best-selling collection of humorous essays (except that money will no longer exist, so it’ll be more of a best barter). Iceland was the first country to elect a female president, which makes it all the more deserving if the reason of our evacuation is an overblown mens rights activism movement turned successful fascist political campaign. Volcanoes, hot springs, liberal social acceptance, tons of guns but nearly zero gun violence. Who could ask for anything more?
3. . Okinawa Island
Sure, the end of the world creates a natural bias towards islands, but hear me out. Even in these troubling times of ours, Okinawa Island off the coast of Japan is considered the “happiest place on earth” with more centennials than anywhere else on the planet. People live long and they smile hard while doing it. Bright blue beaches and a hundred years or more to enjoy it? Pass the “yes please,” and domo arigato very much.
4. . Necker Island
Even island virgins will love this private island owned by Virgin mogul, Sir Richard Branson. If you’ve always wanted to rub elbows with the “see and be seen’s” but never gotten the invite, the collapse of western civilization is time to make your move! It’s an island full of rich people, so they’re set up to let you do pretty much anything you want. Want to swing off a helicopter and land at your own wedding? That’s literally an image on the front page of their website. “But I’m not rich and famous!?!” you say? No worries. Make something up. What are they going to do, Google it?
5. . Rural Canada (Multiple Options Available)
I don’t know much about Canada except that everything I know about it, I like. Canadians are relatively politically neutral with a strong left lean when it comes to social issues. There’s already been a huge spike in “move to Canada” google as of Super Tuesday. Canada keeps you close enough to fight but makes a statement to your friends that you mean business. Well, business in the front, party in the back, if everything I’ve heard about Canadian hairstyles is true, which I hope to goddess it is! Mullets for everybody. Be advised, however, this party is BYO Canadian Tuxedo. Let me know if you need to borrow a jacket. Also, Justin Trudeau.