Everybody knows fall fashion is the best fashion. Summer is tank tops covered in hot dog condiments and sweat, spring is a rain-filled romp through the predictable "pop of color," and winter is fall fashion with giant puffy coats over it. But fall! Here! Take all my money and cover me in leather, denim, dark colors, and cool boots. Not only are the clothes cuter, but for a little while, it’s JACKET WEATHER. Jacket weather means you can stand outside with cute layers and you don’t sweat through your underwear or freeze your torso off. Sure, it only lasts three weeks because the world isn’t the town the Gilmore Girls live in, but it’s a long enough time where we start throwing our money up in the air like it’s a leaf pile in the middle of H&M.
Listen: you earned your money and I don’t want you to waste it on all the dumb clothing you are about to waste it on. While it seems all fresh and exciting now, fall fashion hasn’t changed since you were in middle school. It’s all the same darn things, ever year, looking shiny and new.
I give you the rundown on the things you shouldn’t buy below.
1. . Floppy Hats
Hats are great for the fall time. When the wind gets really going and starts blowing acorns and feral squirrels around, cute hats can really save the day. And now that baseball caps are back in style and you can find great ones in olive suede or rich black leather, buy one of those. Or pull out a maroon or cream beanie you already have and will never go out of style. Just for the love of God, don’t get one of those super adorable but ultimately super idiotic floppy hats. Unless you are an Instagram model— and then you can throw it in the trash right after, because they are the dumbest! They don’t really fit your head, so they fly off constantly. The radius of the hat is that of Jupiter’s rings, and you will hit people with it. And most of them are made of felt or something, and therefore attract every piece of lint and garbage in your house and you will never get them off. Plus, once you wear it somewhere, everyone will touch it and want to try it on, especially idiot dudes who think it'd be funny to have a picture of them in a big hat. Stay away.
2. . Things You Think Will Make You Look French
You will not look French in this giant Zara trenchcoat. You will look like you are cosplaying as an Olsen twin, dumpster diving at Givenchy. You will not look French in a wool beret. You will look like you are cosplaying as an Olsen twin in the Olsen Twin movie Passport to Paris. And you will definitely not look French in one of those boatneck white shirts with the small black stripes. You will look like a woman who has one boatneck shirt so she doesn’t want to buy a bra for it, and now you can see the bra straps in the boatneck shirt. So don’t go there. You aren’t French. Just eat a giant baguette in a park and move on.
3. . Flannel Shirts
Listen to me. No, really. I want you to listen to me. You do not need another flannel this fall, even this pretty one from Madewell. You have enough. There is no color combo appearing on a flannel shirt that will warrant adding another one to your giant, sentient pile of flannels. There is no fit, no sleeve length, no button color (yes, even shiny gold), no prayer in the world that will excuse another flannel in your flannel collection. I don’t care. You have 85. They are from Madewell and Target and the men’s section and Old Navy and Goodwill and YOU. DO. NOT. NEED. ANOTHER. ONE.
4. . Giant Dumb Itchy Sweater
Like the flannel argument I just made, you probably have a hundred giant oversized sweaters in your tiny little apartment, taking up more space than you even have. Wear those. Adding another itchy ass sweater for $75.00 just so you can pretend like you are a Pinterest photo of a girl in a bun, wearing a giant sweater and socks and drinking coffee. That isn’t your life. You wear giant t-shirts and spill hot cocoa all over yourself while drunkenly crying to sad movies on Hulu or something. Hulu! Isn’t it funny I said Hulu instead of Netflix? Whatever. Don’t get the damn sweater.
5. . Ponchos
What in fresh hell? What are we? What is going on? Why are there plaid flannel ponchos? What temperature do you need to be to wear one of these? Are you sort of cold but not cold enough to completely cover your torso? Why are you doing this? Does a dog need to sleep on you? Get out of here with this nonsense.