Honestly, first dates are the worst. I’d rather go on a job interview than a first date. I’d probably rather go to the doctor than a first date. Why? Because at a job interview, you usually get free coffee, and at the doctor’s office, you get to read trashy magazines from 3 years ago. First dates are too full of uncertainties. Will you like the person? Will the person be into you? Will the person want to wear your skin over his/her own skin? It’s all too much. But I’ve been on a few first dates and gotten out alive after most of them. So on the Internet, that makes me an expert, and I have a few tips for you.
The most important part of a first date is the questions you ask. You have to be a detective - a sexy detectives that also likes to drink a few cocktails on the job. But if you ask them the right questions, you can figure out if there will be a second date, or if this is a person you’re not interested in pursuing. I list these magical questions below:
1. . Where Is Your Favorite Place To Go When You're Stressed?
When I’m stressed, I like to curl up in a ball and watch trashy television with a large vat of rosé. This shows a potential partner that I’m a lunatic, that I’m an American, and that I’ll bite his fingers off if he changes the channel on a good reality tv show brawl. So you can understand why this is an important question. If he/she says “my mother’s house” ask more questions like, “is your mother alive? Do you dress up like her and murder people when they are in the shower?” If he/she says, “a basement I cover in sheets to commit my crimes” you might be surprised at how much you two have in common—you both love the television show Dexter, obviously! If they say “with my dog” start screaming and get married immediately.
2. . Is Your Favorite Movie Fight Club?
If you are in college and the answer is “Yes, it’s my favorite movie.” Okay! They can learn! If they are grown as all hell and this is their favorite movie--do not pass go, do not collect $200. We do not need to date any more people that like that boring “edgy” dog crap anymore. Like, cool, corporations suck. You can make soap out of human flesh. Edward Norton is tired. We get it, you drink whiskey at 2am and have a problem with commitment. Grow up and watch Mr. Robot.
3. . Are Dinosaurs Real?
I read this story on the Internet a long time ago, and it totally haunted me, and now I’m going to tell you because it should haunt you. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They get married. They have children. The child goes to school. Boy child learns about dinosaurs. The woman goes “it’s weird they teach them about dinosaurs. They aren’t real.” She wasn’t religious. She wasn’t a creationist. She just thought dinosaur bones were probably just big mammals that already existed, and we made up dinosaurs. Guy can’t live with this insane fact about his wonderful wife. He tries to change her mind. She won’t budge. Guy and girl get divorce. End of story. Ask about dinosaurs, and also what conspiracy theories they believe. Some people think the Earth is hollow, and evil people come from the middle and screw up the world. It’s good to check these things out.
4. . What Is The Most Important Thing I Should Know About You?
The current most important thing you should know about me is that I’m a writer who works out a lot, but also has a fantasy of eating so many of the new Burger King Mac and Cheetos, I have to crawl home. That says a lot about me. That’s not something I would necessarily write on a dating profile. Dating profiles are fantasy writing, but not in the George RR Martin way where it’s violently truthful. It’s fluff fantasy, and it’s mostly not real. But I promise you this, because Oprah told me this once—“if you ask somebody who they are, and they tell you, believe them.” You can learn a lot about compatibility by just listening to how people describe themselves. Tell people who you are, in person. Ask for the same in return.
5. . Who Are You Voting For?
Oh good lord, if you’re going to go on a first date in an election year, you better be prepared to talk about it. Unless you want to start dating again in December, now’s the time to be upfront about politics. And while we’re at it: it’s not your job to change the minds of the people you date who choose to be close-minded about the important social issues of this country. If they are ignorant, and they are close-minded, and you do not agree with their nonsense, there is nooooo need to date them. Period.