Exes are the golden crust of your delicious beef patty, the mayonnaise to your corner store sandwich, the vinegar on your lightly salted chips— either they add the perfect touch to your already perfect situation, or they ruin it and leave your good day in shambles.
Often times when we decide to take back an ex, it’s after we attempted to move on and it didn't work out quite as we had hoped. And so, we begin to daydream. And all the memories you have of your ex become a lot more blurry, your heart becomes ten times more forgiving, and you end up wondering: was he/she the one who got away?
A Kansas State University study defiantly says the answer is 'no'! They found that couples in “cyclical relationships” tended to be “less satisfied with their partner; had worse communication... lower self-esteem” and even worse marriages.
If that’s not enough to convince you, take these 5 reasons into consideration the next time you decide to have a mild case of amnesia.
It’s Never The Same As The First Time
Remember those butterflies you used to have? The first time is always the sweetest because it’s new, exciting, and mysterious. You’re not sure where it’s all going to go and all you know is that you really like this person and this person really likes you.
Well, that all goes away once you break up. Whether it’s mutual or one-sided, the results are typically the same: disappointment, frustration, and a broken heart. The second time around, you’re a little less eager, much more guarded, and often holding to false belief that you know the person presumably well. Room to grow minimizes tremendously and who wants to be stuck in the same old box their entire life?
The Same Issues Come Up Again
After a rekindling, we’re often in this state of fairy dust trails. This person we’ve been missing and yearning for has returned. Rejoice in the new day, right!? Not really.
It takes a little bit of time, but eventually, you’ll come to remember why you broke up in the first place. Maybe it was little things that built over time. Maybe it was something that you thought he/she had fixed or changed or overcame. Eventually, all roads lead to the same gut feeling: a revelation that this may not be the right situation for you.
The Gray Area Leads To The Dark
A lot of times, we never really officially get back together with an ex. We might start talking more often, making time for one another, even a few public appearances, etc., and that nostalgia begins to grow into desire.
The problem is that we’re often more comfortable with keeping that feeling of desire there, hidden behind the truth, instead of addressing the elephant in the room. You may or may not know if you’re actually dating, or if the other person is looking to be committed again. Some of us even get into situations where we’re not even sure if they have a significant other or not.
It’s super messy, super stressful, and just not worth it. Find someone new to Netflix & Chill with, you deserve some spice in your night life!
People Change But Memories Are Forever
You may have read this title and thought, that’s exactly why i want to go back! In reality, we’re all meant to learn and grow from one another. It’s the only way we mature. You may have noticed that your ex is more level-headed, more grateful and gracious, more successful, and just overall a better person than when you had your first go-round.
And that’s great! I’d rather see my exes do well than to manifest some of my petty thoughts when things weren’t going so peachy. But at the end of the day, it still doesn’t mean they’re meant for you. You may have better equipped them for the next person, and it’ll be better for the both you that way. Not being able to move on from past disappointments is a real deterrent in relationships. You may see them doing well for themselves now, but could you really cherish them as they deserve with all of those negative thoughts you harbor from the past? Probably not. Write them off as a good deed and wait to reap your own benefits.
Trusting Yourself Starts With Leaving The Past Behind
You remember how it felt when it ended. You had plenty of thoughts, a lot of emotions, and even more plans for the future. Whether you were the dumped or the dumpee— you know that everything happens for a reason. Sure, if your gut is telling you to take this leap again, go for it, but if you’re unsure and insecure about the decision, choose to walk away.
A lot of times, we return out of fear: What else is out there? How long until I find true love? What if he/she changes? Sometimes, it’s not about whether or not they’ll change at all— it’s about choosing to find someone who you can love as-is and who can love you as-is in return. Growing together is just an additional bonus!